Brown Men's Soccer

Day 10

2008-06-20T10:33:00.006-04:00

Morning - Ricardo and Leo, the administrators of Premier Soccer Tours and organizers of the Brown team's trip, are both from Rosario. Leo grew up playing for Newell Old Boys, one of Rosario's two largest and most famous clubs, now known for being the club where Leonel Messi rose to fame. On the morning of Day 10, Leo showed the team the youth training academy, where they saw a group of six year-olds who could easily demolish any U-18 team in the U.S. Incidentally, these were the fields where Lionel Messi first played. There is a popular Mastercard commercial that features footage of a young Messi on the fields:

Needless to say, Leo was beaming with excitement as he showed the Brown players around the club. A little later, he arranged for the team to visit a discount jersey store, where they could pick up some inexpensive replicas. Perhaps by coincidence, the store only sold Newell Old Boys attire.

Afternoon - Later that day, the team headed to a local restaurant/bar to watch the Brazil-Argentina World Cup qualifier. Leo and Ricardo had to pull some strings to get a group of 25 Americans into the incredibly packed facility, but they somehow managed to do so. The team took in the match with a roomful of Argentines whose very well being--and that of their friends, families, and loved ones--seemed to depend on the outcome of the match. They oohed and aahed every time Messi touched the ball, and seemed totally perplexed any time he lost it. In the end the game ended in a 0-0 draw, with most local witnesses agreeing that Argentina should have won.

After the game, the team loaded back onto the bus and returned to the hotel to prepare for their final game of the trip, against the Newell Old Boys reserves. It remains to be seen which team Leo will cheer for.

Day 9

2008-06-20T09:13:00.003-04:00

Brown 2, Central Córdoba 1

Before the game - The morning of the match, the team is given a brief tour of Rosario. At first, most of the players seem a bit unenthusiastic. Then, the tour guide (a remarkably cute Argentine girl who speaks fluent English) appears. Suddenly, the team's collective posture improves dramatically, and everyone's messed up hair somehow becomes combed. "Wow," the girl says at one point in the tour. "You guys have a lot of questions. You must really be interested in Rosario."

2:50 pm - The team arrives at the field, fearing they might be late for the 3:30 kickoff. Instead, they find not a single member of the opposing squad.

3:30 pm - At the scheduled kickoff time, Central Córdoba have exactly two players. Coaches Noonan and Murphy survey the nearby road and place bets on which passing mopeds will drop off (or might be willing to drop off) players. Ryan Levesque heads to the highway and asks a pack of hitchhikers if they would like to suit up for the match.

4:45 pm - The opponents finally have eleven players, and the game kicks off more than an hour later than scheduled. A 35 year-old former first division star, who for some reason now plays with this second division side, begins to dominate the match.

28th minute - A Córdoba player uses what is known as "Argentinian On-sides" (5-10 yards offsides) and fires one home. 1-0 Central Córdoba.

37th minute - Several days of training finally pays off, as Brown strings together a lovely six-pass movement that culminates with a low Darren Howerton strike. 1-1 tie.

62nd minute - T.J. Thompson steals the ball from an opposing defender in the penalty area, cuts the ball back approximately sixteen times, and is eventually fouled by the frustrated, dizzied defender. Darren Howerton steps up to strike the ensuing penalty kick, and shoots low left as the keeper dives right. 2-1 Brown.

85th-89th minutes - As darkness sets in, Brown misses a series of easy headers and tap-ins from inside the six yard box. After each miss, a wolf howls at the moon and the sound of crickets fills the air.

90th minute - The final whistle sounds and the team stumbles through the darkness, hands raised in front of them, searching for the bus.

Day 8

2008-06-19T01:00:00.005-04:00

As many of you know, there is a huge farmer's strike taking place in Argentina right now. As best I can gather, the problem began when the government raised export taxes on beef and grain, two major staples of Argentina's economy. They also began devoting increasing amounts of land to soy production--soy is one of Argentina's most profitable crops. The government claimed these measures were necessary to combat rapid inflation and other warning signs that were eerily reminiscent of those that preceded the 2001 economic collapse.

On Day 7, as the boys waited for their bus at the hotel, thousands of protesters marched from El Obelisco to the Plaza de Mayo, passing directly in front of the hotel. They banged pots and pans and chanted slogans in support of the farmers, in support of preservation of the land, and in support of unity. As the players stood and took in the scene, many of the protesters waved and cheered, encouraging the Americnas to make noise in support of their cause. One woman even gave them a copy of a poem she had composed.

On Day 8, the team boarded a double-decker bus and departed for Rosario, a city four hours north of Buenos Aires, along the Rio de la Plata. The question on everyone's mind was, would the striking farmers lengthen the trip, or prevent it altogether? They were blocking many major roads near Rosario, a city of one million people near the heart of Argentina's farmlands.

But in the end, there were no blockades and no flying pitchforks. After a quick 3.5 hour drive, the boys arrived safe and sound to Rosario, and checked into the hotel.

Andele!

Day 7

2008-06-16T16:57:00.005-04:00

On the seventh day, the Brown Men's Soccer team rested.

In the morning, the boys explored the artist stands in Recoleta, where dozens of local artisans and craftsmen sell all things painted, knitted, and leathered for low, low prices. Unfortunately, several of the players were unable to purchase the things they wanted, as the merchants informed them that they had been given counterfeit money.

In the afternoon, the team returned to Ricardo's house, where they lounged around the backyard and ate fleftover beef and pork sandwiches. Needless to say, this second asado was just as delicious as the first, if not quite as epic.

In the evening, the boys were treated headed to the Argentina vs. Ecuador World Cup qualifier at the River Plate stadium. The match featured the best and worst of South American soccer -- bouncing fans uniting in song, flags everywhere, ten year-olds shouting insults at the opposing players, incredible displays of skill by Leonel Messi and the rest of the Argentine team, and time-killing tactics by the Ecuadorians that bordered on embarrassing. A last minute strike from Rodrigo Palacio rescued Argentina, and the game ended in a 1-1 draw, which every fan in attendance considered completely unacceptable.

Day 6

2008-06-16T16:26:00.002-04:00

Day 6 kicked off with a 30 minute spinning workout at the local gym, led by assistant coach Ryan Levesque. As Levesque sat on the raised bike at the front of the class, barking out commands like Richard Simmons or Billy Blanks, it became apparent that he has missed his true calling. The speakers pumped out the house mix ("musica electronica") as the boys burned off approximately a tenth of the calories they ingested at the previous night's asado.

The afternoon featured a training session at the Argentinos Juniors training ground, and the evening consisted of some free time to explore the city. Because none of the team events were particularly photogenic, I've posted some pictures of downtown Buenos Aires for your ogling pleasure. Enjoy!

Day 5

2008-06-14T18:30:00.008-04:00

Day 5 was incredibly packed. It included:

- A game against the Argentina Juniors reserves
- Lunch at a sports bar called 'Loco por el Futbol' to watch Italy vs. Romania
- A trip to Recoleta Cemetery
- An appallingly massive feast of pork and beef at tour director Ricardo (I don't know his last name)'s house
- A magic show!

Argentina Juniors 3, Brown 1
Warm-Ups: Neither team is allowed to warm up on the game field. Brown's field players play keep-away on a hard packed-dirt field, while assistant coach Ryan Levesque puts the Brown goalies through shooting exercises in a patch of land adjacent to a shack, with stray chickens. Levesque uses the chickens as token defenders, beating them with a series of clever stepover moves and curling in crosses, some of which deflect off overhead tree branches. The goal mouth is essentially a beach volleyball court, causing the goalies to be repeatedly sprayed in the eyes with loose sand on low shots, and to shake the dirt out of their shoes afterwards.

1st minute - Brown asserts itself immediately, putting Juniors under heavy pressure in the midfield. They force numerous turnovers and claim a good chunk of possession.

2nd - 30th minutes - The game goes back and forth, with neither side able to generate many great scoring chances.

33rd minute - A Juniors forward nods home a corner kick for a 1-0 lead.

38th minute - Darren Howerton plays a quick free kick to Jon Okafor, who motors down the right sideline and cuts the ball back to Nick Elenz-Martin, who fires in a low shot from 15 yards. 1-1 tie.

Halftime - Brown Coach Mike Noonan is highly encouraged by Brown's performance, and he tells them as much.

46th - 75th minutes - Both teams trade scoring chances and miss several clear scoring opportunities.

76th minute - Juniors breaks the deadlock with a nifty combination play and clinical finish. 2-1 Juniors.

83rd minute - Juniors seals victory on a great individual effort from their left midfielder. After running through the heart of Brown's defense, he blasts a perfect shot into the upper right hand corner. 3-1.

Lunch: Loco Por El Futbol
After the game, the team lunches at a massive sports bar in Recoleta. Eight large projectors complement the approximately 45 televisions that stretch from one end of the bar to the other, and hoards of international citizens scream in despair, joy, or disbelief with each play.

Recoleta Cemetery
After lunch, the team explores the Recoleta Cemetery.

Dinner at Ricardo's
The day concludes with a massive feast at Ricardo's house. As per the Argentine tradition, dinner begins around 10 pm and concludes when no one can eat any more meat, which is usually around 9 am the next morning. For reasons that are awesome if unclear, a magician showed up after dinner and starting doing tricks.

Day 4

2008-06-12T20:58:00.004-04:00

To be honest, not a whole lot happened on Day 4. It was all about rest and recovery. The highlight of the day was the afternoon training session, when the team met the Argentina Juniors youth players, who were performing a series of exercises at the clubhouse when assistant coach Anders Kelto approached them and started asking them questions. Within moments, all exercises had come to a halt as the young Argentines swarmed the Brown team, hoping to learn more about their American guests, and maybe trade some gear. Here is a list of the most commonly asked questions:

"Where are you from?"

"What state is that in?"

"What position do you play?"

"Do you play well?"

"Is it true that college parties in America are crazy? They look crazy. I have seen all of the movies. There are many girls."

"Do you have anything that you can trade with us?"

Assistant Coach Ken Murphy slipped an 11 year-old player a piece of gum through the fence and instantly became the boy's favorite member of the squad. The boy was instantly surrounded by his friends, who insisted on getting a piece of his piece, leaving him with approximately 1/16th of his original stick.

Assistant Coach Nic Rossi meets a future Carlos Tevez.

Day 3

2008-06-11T23:15:00.003-04:00

The team played its first match against the reserves from Estudiantes de la Plata today. For those of you who don’t follow Argentine professional soccer (there are probably a few of you), Estudiantes is one of the strongest clubs in Argentina. While they don’t garner the same international attention as Boca or River, they are one of the country’s most storied and successful clubs: World Club Champions in 1968, a slew of league championships, a first place finish last year, and a second place finish this year.

Estudiantes fielded a young but very strong reserve side – a combination of their best academy (U-18) players and young professionals, including three players who have played for the professional first team. For a Brown team that has trained together for only a week, and lacks a bit of fitness, the task proved too formidable. They were thoroughly outplayed (and at times run in circles), and lost 3-0. On the plus side, Estudiantes were fun to watch!

Here is your post-game report:

Warm-Ups: The referee asks to speak with the team captains. When he learns that Brown has two captains, he says, “Two?! But why?!?” After a brief explanation, he continues to shake his head, utterly unable to comprehend the concept.

1st minute – Estudiantes immediately finds its rhythm, moving the ball effortlessly from player to player. On the rare instance that Brown intercepts a pass, they maintain possession for only a few passes.

2nd minute – A blatanly offside player is waved on, signaling that it might be a long afternoon for the Brown backline.

15th minute – Estudiantes strike early. A corner kick finds its way through the crowded box, and an open player blasts it home from fifteen yards. 1-0 Estudiantes.

27th minute – After a nifty buildup on the left side, Estudiantes’ mullet-ed left midfielder curls in a perfect ball, which a towering forward clinically heads into the goal. 2-0 Estudiantes.

30th minute – Steve Sawyer takes a shot in the lower stomach and stays down. The Estudiantes trainer appears on the scene and administers a bizarre treatment that cannot be adequately described here—let’s just say it was a combination of groin stretching, Lamaze breathing, and an upper back massage, with whispered Spanish instructions in the ear. Athletic trainer Matt Culp is unclear what to do in this situation, so he remains on the bench, laughing.

33rd minute – A ball over the top is met by Estudiantes’ incredibly quick – but apparently offsides -- right midfielder, who skips toward goal and blasts a shot into the left side of the net. 3-0 Estudiantes.

41st minute – Paul Grandstrand saves a semi-breakaway from the left side, pushing the ball wide of the right post.

50th minute – Estudiantes’ central defender turns to striker Dylan Sheehan, who often appears fatigued, and asks, “You smoke? You no fit!”

58th minute – Another Brown player goes down, and trainer Matt Culp hustles onto the field. Once again, however, he is beaten to the scene by his new arch nemesis, the deceptively quick trainer. He politely asks the man if he can administer care to his player, and the man eventually complies.

60th – 90th minutes – Estudiantes continues to put on a clinic, missing shot after shot by several inches. Brown musters a handful of attacks, but is clearly outmatched. After the game, the players exchange “Good Games” and “Bien Hechos,” and Coach Noonan ceremoniously exchanges gifts with the opposing team’s representative.

After the match: The ever-gracious Estudiantes hosts escort the Brown team to its locker room, asking question after question about the team, the university, and life in the United States. After showering, the team enjoys a wonderful meal in the clubhouse, licks its wounds, and heads back to the hotel.

Day 2

2008-06-10T13:44:00.004-04:00

On Day 2, the boys traveled to Argentino Juniors and practiced on the fields that such legendary players as Diego Maradona, Fernando Redondo, Juan Ramon Riquelme, and Juan Pablo Sorin used as youth players. When practice began, Darren Howerton ingested approximately three pounds of field grass, hoping to achieve a Maradona-like touch. Whether or not this tactic worked is still unclear. After the morning session and a light afternoon session, the team boarded a bus and took a tour of Buenos Aires. The highlight was a stop at the Boca Juniors stadium, where they snapped photos like a team of wedding photographers and flooded the gift shop like 18 Paris Hiltons. Two photo albums from the day's events are posted below. Enjoy!

Day 1

2008-06-09T18:47:00.003-04:00

3:55 pm - The team bus from Providence to New York somehow manages to avoid the Puerto Rican Day Parade, which has turned Manhattan into a sea of red, white and blue flags, jerseys, bandanas, mini-shorts, mini-skirts, mini-panties and nudity.

8:35 pm - The flight from New York to Washington D.C. departs over an hour later than scheduled. When it touches down, the team is left with only a 25-minute window to make its connection.

9:20 pm - As the players rush through the Dulles airport, they are faced with a difficult choice: make their flight, or pick up a Bacon Double Cheeseburger Extra Value Meal at Wendy's. Within seconds, a line of thirteen hungry college athletes has formed at Wendy's. Through an act of divine intervention, the players all make the flight, vanilla Frosties in hand.

9:45 pm - 11 hours of flying begins, with the expected jostling and jockeying for position.

9:45 am - 11 hours of flying comes to an end.

10:15 am - The team boards its bus and passes through the sprawling suburbs of Buenos Aires. They observe the odd juxtaposition of dilapidated brick and concrete residences with colorful billboards for designer clothes and high end perfumes.

11:30 - The team checks in at the 725 Continental Hotel. Located just a few blocks off Calle de 9 de Julio, and within sight of el Obelisco, it is right in the heart of the downtown district.

3:30 - After lunch and a quick nap, the team heads to a training session at Club Atletico Platence. The stadium is a classic South American venue, with cement bleachers, decaying brick walls, patchy yellow grass, and barbed wire. They are let into the stadium by a friendly team of security guards and escorted to the sidelines of the game field. After a spirited session, they get back in their transport vehicles (aka "The Ice Cream Trucks") and navigate the crowded avenues and side streets of Buenos Aires. Despite the chilly temperature (high 40s), the streets are bustling with people. Trucks jockey for position with motorbikes that weave in and out of Calle 9 de Julio's fourteen busy lanes, while pedestrians slow traffic as they fight their way through the crowded side streets.

7:55 pm - After dinner at the hotel, the team settles into their rooms and takes in replays of the Euro 2008 games. After a long day of travel and training, it's early to bed...and early to rise.

It's (briefly) Alive (again)!

2008-06-03T11:37:00.013-04:00

What do Michael Jordan, New Kids on the Block and the Brown Men's Soccer Blog all have in common? No, the answer is not "they revolutionized their art form" or "they are all stunningly attractive," though those are both technically true. The answer is...comebacks! All three announced their retirement and then later announced their return to the game, in grandiose fashion.

Jordan's comeback was a tremendous success -- I'm pretty sure he won sixteen championships after rejoining the NBA. The New Kids on the Block will be a miserable failure -- boy band success does not equal man band success. And the Brown Men's Soccer blog will, by all accounts, set a new standard for comeback excellence, eclipsing even Jordan himself.

Though I am no longer a member of the men's soccer staff, I, your humble correspondent, will be traveling with the team to Buenos Aires on June 8, as they tour the country, play professional teams, learn important cross-cultural lessons, and discover that Madonna was not, in fact, the president of Argentina. It is destined to be an educational and unforgettable trip, and I look forward to inadequately describing it.

In all seriousness, I traveled to Brazil in 1999 with the Brown team, and it was one of the most unforgettable, eye-opening experiences of my life. This trip should be no different, and I look forward to sharing the team's many wonderful experiences with you. On that note, please don't forget to donate money toward this valuable cause.

See you (sort of) in Arr-hen-teen-ah!

-Anders

Bruno In Command

2007-12-04T10:45:00.000-05:00

(with apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer)

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Brown eleven that day;
The score stood one to nil with just the second half to play.

Ten minutes passed and already a goal had been conceded,
A shot from nearly forty yards—most fans were still not seated.

Grandstrand thought it Bernstein’s ball and Bernstein thought it Paul’s,
Both players stopped, the ball skipped in, onlookers were appalled.

The halftime whistle sounded and the home fans longed to boo.
How could the mighty Bears come out and lose to ODU?

A straggling few got up to go in deep despair. The rest
Clung to the hope that springs eternal in BrowNation’s breast:

They thought, “If only we could score and knot the game at one,
We’d surely score the second goal—this game could still be won.”

The players marched back to the field this crisp November night,
Their uniforms now glowing in the incandescent light.

They scanned the urging masses as they closely huddled in,
And on a three count bellowed out a bleacher-shaking, “Win!”

And soon it was apparent that these boys were not distraught,
They passed and dribbled skillfully, they clawed and kicked and fought.

Five minutes in, a Davies shot, beyond the reach of all,
It kissed the bar and stirred the net, a dipping, perfect ball.

The striker leapt into the sky and pumped his arms—relief!
While manic coliseum fans now burst with self-belief.

Then shot and shot flew at the goal like missiles—whizzing, humming,
As hecklers yelled to injured foes, “The waa-mbulance is coming.”

Shots hit defenders, missed the net, were cleared to left and right,
and clattered off the posts—metallic echoes in the night.

Oh, with such joy and fortitude the players played to win,
Their spirits flowed with confidence, their upward lifted chins.

Then overtime—a corner kick—the fans got to their feet,
and stomped with raucous vigor as if sound could send defeat,

Three thousand throats united in a cry that shook the earth,
And players danced inside the box, prepared for winner’s mirth.

Then as the player set the ball and lifted high his hand,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt ‘twas Bruno in command.

The ball came swerving in and half a dozen rose to meet it,
Mittens hurled skyward with the enemy defeated.

But wait—the ball was cleared away? A counter had begun—
The ball was launched directly to a streaking striker’s run,

He blocked a tackle, ran to goal and with the keeper set,
Released a shot that bulged that awful, god-forsaken net.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,

And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout,
But there is no joy in P-Town—the Bears have been knocked out.

Much later, when the lights go out, the stadium is cleared,
There linger but faint traces of a faded, distant cheer,

Coach Noonan sits with head in hands, that loss—so quick, so near!
He solemnly confesses, “I thought this was the year.”

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Loyal readers: Thank you for following the Brown Men’s Soccer team during this historic 2007 season. It has truly been a pleasure to coach, play with, and write about this very special group of young men. If you are a regular reader of this blog, please do me a favor: post a comment below. I know the players and coaches read the blog regularly, and it would be great for them to hear your thoughts on the season.

Thank you for spilling coffee on your keyboard every time Brown scored this year, and thanks for reading.

-Anders

The NCAA is Evil

2007-11-28T10:53:00.000-05:00

I am told that B2 Networks will NOT be video webcasting the game tonight because, as I understand it, the NCAA does not allow outside organizations to make money from NCAA Tournament events. Of course, this would make more sense to me if the NCAA offered its own video webcast which, of course, they do not.

But fear not, there is good news. There will be both a Game Tracker and an audio webcast with Mike Rubin available on the Brown athletics website: www.brownbears.com

The All-Ivy Selections

2007-11-21T15:01:00.001-05:00

Ivy League Player of the Year - Matt Britner ’07.5
Ivy League Rookie of the Year - Paul Grandstrand ‘11

First Team All-Ivy
Matt Britner ’07.5 (unanimous selection)
Rhett Bernstein ‘09
Nick Elenz-Martin ‘10
Kevin Davies ‘08
Dylan Sheehan ‘09

Second Team All-Ivy
Paul Grandstrand ‘11

Honorable Mention All-Ivy
Darren Howerton ‘09
Chris Roland ‘10

http://www.ivyleaguesports.com/article.asp?intID=6307

Brown 3, Columbia 2 (OT)

2007-11-19T20:47:00.001-05:00

Friday - On the way to New York, the team stops at Mario's (an Italian restaurant in Westport, CT) for dinner. While parking, the bus driver rams the bus into a cement barrier. Without assessing the damage to bus or barrier, he pulls out from the restaurant and begins what should be a quick 45-minute jaunt to Tarrytown, NY. Three hours, fifteen minutes, and one very unhappy head coach later, the team finds the hotel. The path followed is so nonsensical that it simply had to be recreated here. Follow the team's amazing adventures by clicking "View Larger Map" below and reading the text bubbles. Like terror levels, bubble colors correspond to Coach Noonan's anger levels. Green = Happy, Yellow = Agitated, Red = Blistering Rage. Enjoy!

View Larger Map

Saturday - So, the word on Columbia was that they had thrown in the towel. Evidence would support this theory, as the Lions were 3-12-1 coming into the match and had lost their previous four games by a combined score of 15-5...(dots indicate ominous foreshadowing)

Warm-Up - Columbia's seniors are introduced to a small but vocal group of supporters. Having already been eliminated from the post-season, this will be the last game of their career.

1st minute - Columbia comes out playing like, well, it's the last game of their career. They are full of energy and fight, very unlike the team that had been scouted.

15th minute – During a quick counter-attack, Columbia plays the ball to its left striker, who cuts it back to the top of the eighteen yard box. A teammate sprints in and fires an inside-of-the-foot shot past a helpless Paul Grandstrand. Brown is still asleep, and it is 1-0 Columbia.

16th minute – Columbia decides that one goal should do it, and they spend the next thirty minutes slowly withdrawing from the Brown half like a Galapagos tortoise cautiously retracting its head.

17th – 45th minutes – Lots of Brown shots, no Brown goals.

Halftime – “If you panic, you will lose this game. Don't try to be the hero. Relax, pass the ball, and play soccer.” Sage advice from Coach Noonan.

46th minute – A much better-looking Brown team takes the field, and I don’t just mean that Jarrett Leech replaced Paul Grandstrand at halftime. Brown begins to move the ball crisply.

47th – 65th minutes – Brown has many, many, many chances but still cannot score.

71st minute – A corner kick eludes everyone and finds Chris Roland beyond the far post. He settles the ball and curls in a vicious cross, which Jon Okafor meets with a slashing run before volleying home at the near post. Finally, a 1-1 tie.

75th minute – Having drawn blood, Brown continues to surge forward. A nifty passing sequence culminates with a spectacular miskick by a Columbia defender, and T.J. Thompson pounces on his poor clearance to fire into the lower corner of the goal. 2-1 Brown. With the shot count at 17-4, surely victory must be Brown’s!

83rd minute – On just its second scoring chance of the half, Columbia launches the ball forward into the Brown penalty area from just inside midfield. A Columbia forward rises and somehow gets his head on the ball, popping it over both keeper and defender and into the open goal. 2-2 tie.

OT –The Columbia keeper makes several saves. One of them might have been the best save in the history of college soccer. I really can’t remember; it's all a blur.

2nd OT – Coach Noonan subs in Okafor and tells him to “get on the goalkeeper.” Darren Howerton puts a corner kick in the box, right on top of the keeper. Okafor leaps and appears to disrupt the keeper, who pushes the ball toward his own net. In the ensuing melee, the ball somehow finds its way into the net. 3-2 Brown, a golden goal.

Brown parents and alumni rush onto the field to celebrate the team’s win and perfect Ivy season. The 2007 Brown team becomes just the second Ivy League team in the past twenty years to post a 7-0 record in league play. A t-shirt to the first person to name the other.

Overall Record: 15-1-1
Ivy Record: 7-0
Next Game: Wednesday, November 28th @ 7 pm vs. Providence/Old Dominion

Brown 1, Dartmouth 0: Ivy League Champions!

2007-11-12T09:18:00.000-05:00

On a wintry Saturday night at Stevenson Field, the Brown Men’s Soccer team defeated perennial rival Dartmouth 1-0 and secured the 2007 Ivy League title. Dylan Sheehan provided the late game-winner, heading a Darren Howerton flip-throw into the net in the 83rd minute. Paul Grandstrand made several saves in goal to improve to 10-0-1 on the season, and the Brown backline of Matt Britner, Rhett Bernstein, Steve Sawyer and David Walls earned their fourth consecutive shutout. Brown now has not been scored on in six hours and fifteen minutes of play. The title is Coach Noonan’s seventh in thirteen seasons at Brown and the program’s nineteenth overall. The Bears conclude the regular season at Columbia on Saturday, November 17th and, now guaranteed a spot in the NCAA tournament, await the selection show on Monday, November 19th.

Here is your post-game report:

Pre-game – Seniors Jon Behrendt, Laurent Manuel, Kevin Davies, Matt Britner, and manager Wesley Royce take the field with their parents to be honored for four years of loyal service.

National Anthem – Long-time Brown Soccer announcer Chris Wahl asks the crowd to “Please rise and honor America with the singing of our national anthem.” A prolonged silence ensues. Players, coaches and fans cast inquiring glances toward the scorer’s table, where frantic employees press play on the unresponsive CD player. Then, in a performance that will forever live on in Brown Soccer lore, the vocally untrained Chris Wahl grabs the microphone and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in the SINGING of our national anthem…Oh-ho saaay can you seeeee….” As Wahl bellows out the tune like a hungry, slightly intoxicated Johnny Cash trying to get through a pre-dinner prayer, crowd members alternately laugh and sing along. He changes keys three or four times, but gets nearly all of the words right and, at song’s end, tips his hat to the crowd and receives a much-deserved standing ovation.

Hear Wahl's American Idol worthy performance here:

1st minute – As per the Brown—Dartmouth tradition, the game starts (and ends) like an oversized match of ping pong. Both teams launch the ball back and forth, with most contacts being headers or aerial volleys.

14th minute – Steve Sawyer plays a beautiful ball up the left wing to Kevin Davies, who strips the ball from a Darmouth defender, cuts it past a second defender, sprints into the box and lines up a wide open shot, only to completely misfire.

23rd minute – Darren Howerton receives a shove from a Dartmouth player and falls to the ground. The referee blows his whistle and runs over to issue a yellow card to the offending player, who ignores him and pursues Howerton, accusing him of diving. Pointing an accusatory finger, he shoves Howerton again, this time sending the wide midfielder sprawling to the ground. The outraged Colosseum masses hurl vile insults at the Big Green player and, as the referee reaches for his pocket, turn their thumbs downward. Off with him! He’s gotta go! The stadium official, Eric The Merciful, issues only a yellow card, sending the great unwashed into chants of protest.

30th minute – A Dartmouth forward sneaks between Brown’s two central defenders, chests down a cross, and fires a shot just over the crossbar.

32nd minute – Central midfielder Chris Roland collects a ball twenty-five yards from goal and shoots as hard as he can. His drive knuckles and finds its way through a crowd of players, but is gobbled up by Dartmouth’s Goliathan keeper.

Halftime – An impressive queue forms at the hot chocolate booth as the last few seats are filled by late-arriving fans hoping to suffer through just 45 minutes of November cold.

46th – 60th minutes – Dartmouth keeps Brown pinned in its own end. Matt Britner and Rhett Bernstein take turns breaking up Big Green attacks with well-timed slide tackles, while Paul Grandstrand punches away several dangerous crosses. The crowd urges them on.

67th minute – A Dartmouth forward strips David Walls of the ball and finds himself aggressively pursued by the fiery Englishman. Walls focuses his crosshairs on the player’s right shin and moves in for the kill, missing with his first swipe but connecting solidly with his second to send ball and player crashing out of bounds. The crowd raucously applauds his crunching tackle, and Walls proudly joins the ranks of the yellow carded.

74th minute – After another tussle, two more players are issued yellow cards.

83rd minute – As the crowd crescendos with anticipation, Darren Howerton hurls a flip-throw into the Dartmouth penalty area. Dylan Sheehan posts up his defender and flicks the ball toward the back post with the top of his head. The stadium holds its breath, wondering who will get the next touch, and to the surprise of nearly everyone, the ball skips to the back post and into the side netting. Brown celebrates wildly. Another Ivy League battle, another goal from a flip-throw. 1-0 Brown.

87th minute – After a Dartmouth corner, Jon Okafor collects a loose ball in his own half and charges forward, flanked by a battalion of teammates. Pulling away from his inferiors, he pushes the ball forward and charges beyond midfield, drawing Dartmouth’s final defender. The defender lunges to win the ball but arrives late and sends Okafor soaring through the air. Scores of Romans explode into a fit of rage, again demanding red from the referee, but again seeing only yellow. Outrage!

90th minute – Dartmouth’s final attack is smothered by Brown’s defense and the clock counts down to zero. Fans pound their chests and Brown players storm the grounds to celebrate their Ivy League title.

Post-Game Reception - Coach Noonan officially accepts the Ivy League trophy and returns it to what he calls, “It’s rightful place” (the glass cabinet in his office). After closing and locking the cabinet door, he melts the key down, swallows it one gulp and utters, “Try to get it back NOW.”

Final Score: Brown 1, Dartmouth 0
Overall Record: 14-1-1
Ivy Record: 6-0
Next Game: Saturday, November 17th @ Columbia, 7 pm

Brown 2, Yale 0

2007-11-05T11:20:00.000-05:00

Saturday - Perhaps as a reminder that the Christmas season officially begins after Halloween (sorry, Thanksgiving, you had your time) Tropical Storm Noel travels up the eastern seaboard, producing heavy winds and rain from New Hampshire to New Jersey. Both teams agree to postpone the match until Sunday, and Brown passes the afternoon with a light jog to the Providence Hurricane Barrier and back. Said Coach Noonan, "I figured there was a hurricane, so we should go to the Hurricane Barrier." Makes sense to me!

1st minute - Brown immediately sets the tone by stripping Yale of the ball and stringing together a long sequence of passes. They control from the start.

12th minute - Another great series of passes frees Darren Howerton down the left flank. His perfect cross finds Dylan Sheehan at the back post, but Sheehan's close range header is saved by the keeper.

27th minute - Jon Okafor launches a rocket just over the crossbar.

36th minute - Rhett Bernstein catches an elbow to the face and hears a colossal "pop." Athletic trainer Matt Culp arrives on the scene and asks what happened, to which Bernstein replies, "Oh, he broke my nose." Aided, as always, by his adamantium-reinforced bones, Bernstein shakes it off and reenters the game. In the broken nose derby, Bernstein now trails assistant coach Ken Murphy 5-3.

These glasses now sit a bit more crookedly

38th minute - Rhett Bernstein delays the game for approximately three hours, attempting to tie his right shoe. As fans begin to nod off from boredom, the Brown coaching staff wonders if the blow that broke Rhett's nose also knocked out his memory of the "bunny ears" technique. Bernstein later blames it on "cold hands."

43rd minute - TJ Thompson beats two players and clatters the crossbar with a swerving, gyroscopic shot.

HALFTIME - After 45 minutes of utter domination, Coach Noonan tries to think of what to say at halftime. "What do I tell them?" he asks, scratching his head. The shot count stands at 13-1, and Brown has played arguably its best half of the season. They have simply played Yale off the field. The entire staff looks off into space for five minutes, coming up with nothing, but (importantly) giving the team the impression that they are discussing important matters.

70th minute - Chris Roland curls a teasing ball into the penalty area. Darren Howerton beats both keeper and defender to the ball and pops it to Kevin Davies with his head. Davies fires a quick volley into the half-open net, finally breaking the deadlock. 1-0 Brown.

73rd minute - Rhett Bernstein badly mistimes a bicycle kick. Then, as if playing Rhett Says, Steve Sawyer attempts to bicycle kick Bernstein's bicycle kick. This proves to be a terrible, terrible idea.

84th minute - Right back Laurent Manuel plays a beautiful forward pass to central midfielder Nick Elenz-Martin. Elenz-Martin races toward goal, draws the goalkeeper and defender, and drills the ball across the goal to sliding striker Dylan Sheehan. The ball pops up, rolls up Sheehan's shee-in, settles on the Canadian's belly, and toboggans into the net. 2-0 Brown.

After the game: Dance party in the shower!

Final Score: Brown 2, Yale 0
Overall Record: 13-1-1
Ivy Record: 5-0-0
Next Match: Saturday, November 10th vs. Dartmouth, 4 pm @ Stevenson Field

Brown 2, Rutgers 0

2007-11-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

A winning machine. That's the best way to describe the current state of the Brown Men's Soccer team. Even when they don't play well, as was the case against Rutgers on Wednesday night, they get the result. The boys slipped and slid around the deceptively slick field for 90 minutes, rarely stringing together nice passing sequences. But they clamped down on defense and produced just enough good chances to get two goals and the victory. Man of the Match Kevin Davies had a goal and an assist, David Walls scored his first collegiate goal, Matt Britner shined in defense, and Jarrett Leech earned the shutout in goal.

Now, here is your post-game report:

1st minute - Brown inserts several new players for its last non-conference game of the year.

2nd - 14th minutes - Bad soccer. Both teams.

15th minute - Kevin Davies strips a Rutgers defender of the ball and sprints toward goal on a clear breakaway. His low shot is saved by the keeper.

HALFTIME - With the score knotted at zero, Coach Noonan warns the boys that they are in danger of another "BU performance" (Brown played poorly and lost 1-0 to BU earlier this season). "It's gotta be better!"

53rd minute - Jon Okafor dashes into the box from his right wing position and has his feet taken out from him by a sliding defender. Referee!!!

62nd minute - Matt Britner curls a perfect 40-yard ball into the space between the Rutgers central and left defenders. Kevin Davies spins off the central defender and outruns him as the keeper charges off his line. But the diminutive Davies is too quick for both of them as he toe pokes the ball over the keeper's shoulder and into the net. After the game, he claims that he actually shot the ball with his cleats. 1-0 Brown.

88th minute - With time running out and Brown protecting a 1-0 lead, David Walls sets up a free kick at midfield. Inexplicably, the referee issues him a yellow card for "time wasting." The card is Walls' fifth, meaning he will miss the Yale match.

89th minute - Kevin Davies begins an epic clutch-and-grab battle with a Scarlet Knight defender. Sprinting side by side over thirty yards, they jostle this way and that as the ball heads toward the sideline. (Picture in slow motion, with groans and moans.) Both players eventually slide out of bounds, but Davies somehow manages to keep the ball in bounds, while the Rutgers defender collapses, exhausted. The defender remains on his back in total fatigue, and appears to make a mud angel as Davies scampers toward goal with the ball. Finding himself on the first 4-on-1 of his career (that's four Brown attackers, one Rutgers defender), Davies ignores cries of "take it to the corner" and charges toward goal. How can you blame him? He plays it across the goal to David Walls, who takes a touch and calmly slots it past the Rutgers goalie. After the game, when asked what in the world he was doing so far forward on the last play, Walls replies, "Well, I figured I had me ten days rest, so I'd knock one home."

At least that's what I think he said.

Final Score: Brown 2, Rutgers 0
Overall Record: 12-1-1
Ivy Record: 4-0-0
Next Game: Saturday, November 3rd @ Yale

Brown 3, Penn 0

2007-10-31T07:50:00.000-04:00

The #4 ranked Brown Men's Soccer Team tacked on another win Saturday as they dismissed the Penn Quakers 3-0 at Stevenson Field. Darren Howerton '09, Laurent Manuel '08 and Kevin Davies '08 tallied for the Bears, who improved to 11-1-1 overall and 4-0 in the Ivy League. Freshman Paul Grandstrand '11 earned the shutout in goal, making several fine saves along the way, and remains undefeated on the season. The Bears continue tonight when they travel to Rutgers for their final non-conference match. Kickoff is set for 7 pm.

Now, here is your post-game report:

During the week - The boys discover that Facebook can be used for something OTHER than looking at 613 pictures of some cute girl from Engin 9 who they are too afraid to talk to. They create a Facebook Event called "#4 Brown Soccer vs. Penn" and invite virtually the entire school (including, we assume, the girl). It appears to pay dividends, as the stadium side of Stevenson is full on a wet Saturday night during Parents Weekend, when most students just go out to dinner with their folks. Hey, bring home the National title and that girl just might write on your Facebook wall, guys.

Pre-game: Penn arrives at the field mascot-less and angry, perhaps because of this video. Well done, Brown students!

1st minute - Brown comes out of the gates like a pack of racehorses that has been cooped up for too long. The first fifteen minutes are all Brown.

23rd minute - Penn clears a corner kick from its own penalty area and Jon Okafor hammers a volley from 30 yards. The phrase "it was rising all the way" is used way too much in soccer and is almost never true, but in this instance it actually is true. Okafor's blast beats everyone cleanly, rises toward the upper right corner, goes just wide, and bends the metal support pole behind the net. Which reminds me, Stevenson now has those World Cup style nets--you know, the ones you and I always wanted.

42nd minute - Left back Steve Sawyer throws the ball forward to striker T.J. Thompson, who controls it and lays it off to left midfielder Darren Howerton, who is "underlapping" him. As the keeper advances, Howerton takes one touch and slots a quick left footed shot past him. It's that easy. 1-0 Brown.

63rd minute - With his typical insouciance, Nick Elenz-Martin saunters forward with the ball. A beaten Penn defender grabs a handful of jersey and goes water skiing, leaving Nick to look something like this. Elenz-Martin shrugs him off (literally) and cuts across the top of the box, where Laurent Manuel magically sprouts from the ground like a French Lilac and fires a low left-footed shot past the Penn keeper. A confused Elenz-Martin looks around, wondering what underground vault Manuel was hiding in, while the goal scorer runs around smiling like a sweaty French kid with a popsicle, and then performs the Thierry Henry double knee slide. 2-0 Brown.

82nd minute - T.J. Thompson collects the ball and runs across the top of the box. As defenders close him down, he holds onto the ball for what seems like too long. As Kevin Davies criss crosses with him, Thompson back heels to Davies, who takes a quick touch, nutmegs a Penn defeder, and fires into the net from ten yards out. Cheeky! 3-0 Brown.

90th minute - The final whistle blows and Brown salutes fans on both sides of the pitch. Their onward march continues.

Overall Record: 11-1-1
Ivy Record: 4-0-0
Next Game: Wednesday, October 31st @ Rutgers

Addendum: My post on national rankings and how they work has been updated to include the NCAA's RPI rankings (Brown is currently #5). This is the system used to seed teams for the NCAA tournament. Click here to read more.

Brown 3, Cornell 1

2007-10-25T16:01:00.000-04:00

The #4 ranked Brown Men’s Soccer team improved to 3-0 in Ivy League play and 10-1-1 overall this past weekend with a 3-1 victory at Cornell. Dylan Sheehan ’09 scored his team-leading eighth goal of the season, and Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Jon Okafor ’11 tallied their first goals. Paul Grandstrand earned the victory in net, making a whopping one save along the way. With the win, Brown retains sole possession of first place in the Ivy League, and they continue their season on Saturday, October 27th when they host Penn at Stevenson Field. Kickoff is scheduled for 7 pm.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Things that take six hours:

- Lord of the Rings parts I and II (unless we’re talking the director’s cut, in which case you’ll get through Fellowship of the Ring and part way through The Two Towers, depending on how many times you replay the “You shall not pass!” scene. Such a money line.)

- 21,600 push-ups

- One conversation with a Red Sox fan about Josh Beckett.

- Bus ride to Cornell

Just as a refresher, Cornell has a huge student body, some weird public/private hybridization, and they are SIX HOURS away. We’ve got nothing against Cornell, but sometimes you've gotta wonder why they're in the Ivy League.

Friday Afternoon - The boys break up the six hour ride to Ithaca by stopping and practicing at Union College, home of former Brown Assistant Coach Jeff Guinn. Guinn takes the opportunity to attempt to convince several of Brown's students to transfer. Just kidding, Guinny! After breaking a sweat and stretching their legs a bit, the team continues to the great beyond and settles in for the night.

Saturday Morning - After a morning of video, scouting reports, and stretching, the boys finally prepare for a 4 pm kickoff.

1st minute – Both teams come out of the gates looking full of energy. It must be the nicest weather in the history of Brown @ Cornell - sunny, 60 degrees, and dry.

9th minute – Brown plays a little game of 5 v 2 in the Cornell penalty area. Even without Coach Murphy in the mix, they maintain possession easily. Sheehan passes to Davies, who passes to Okafor, who passes to Elenz-Martin, with each pass being approximately two yards. The ball finally comes back to Sheehan, who takes a touch past a dizzy Cornell defender and easily kicks the ball in from six yards. 1-0 Brown.

10thth – 40th minutes – Brown alternates between following Coach Noonan’s game plan (calm coaching staff) and not following Coach Noonan’s game plan (angry coaching staff). When following the plan, Brown creates a lot of chances. When not following the plan, Cornell somehow does not. Brown finishes the half with an 11-1 shot advantage.

43rd minute – In a classic blooper reel clip, Dylan Sheehan whiffs on a scissor kick and the ball falls to a wide open Darren Howerton ’09, who misses badly. Sometimes you just have to laugh it off, as Sheehan does.

HALFTIME

63rd minute – Darren Howerton ’09 hits an in-swinging left-footed corner kick. As he often does, Rhett Bernstein soars high at the far post and wins the header, heading it back across the face of goal. A Cornell defender on the post has what appears to be an easy clearance, but completely mistimes his header and fires the ball sideways into the side netting. Think volleyball player trying to set a teammate, but instead shanking the ball into the net. Because his initial header was going in, Bernstein is credited with the goal, finally breaking his goalless drought. 2-0 Brown.

72nd minute – Right midfielder Jon Okafor ’11 plays the ball to overlapping right back David Walls ’11 and then breaks toward the goal. Walls takes a touch and then plays an intelligent ball back to Okafor at the near post. The keeper charges to smother the ball, but Okafor beats him to it and fires a first-time right footer inside the near post. 3-0 Brown.

75th minute – Brown is whistled for a foul just outside the penalty area. As Grandstrand sets the wall, a Cornell player takes a quick free kick and sneaks it into the goal before defenders or goalkeeper are ready. It constitutes Cornell’s second shot on goal, giving them an impressive .500 conversion rate. 3-1 Brown.

90th minute – The final whistle blows and the boys prepare for the long journey home.

On the bus – Brown continues a truly spectacular tradition – songs! Freshmen and anyone who has never sung before take turns belting out a capella versions of their favorite pop hits. Please note that Assistant Coach Ken Murphy has never sung, and refuses to. If you disagree with this policy, please email Ken_Murphy@brown.edu.

Some of the highlights include:

Tom Thunnel ’10 doing Kelly Clarkson’s, “Since You’ve Been Gone,” complete with barefoot hopping up and down.

Jon Behrendt ’08 doing the Beach Boys, “California Girls,” an apropos choice for the Marin native.

Isaac Jabola-Carolis doing Chumbawumba’s “All-Star,” featuring an interactive audience and a truly heartfelt performance.

Jarrod Schlenker ’10 doing a gutsy, never-before-attempted FALSETTO “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” Serious props.

I’ll see what I can scare up for footage when I get back to Rhode Island (again).

Brown is #4 (...or #2,...or #5...or #28)

2007-10-24T16:06:00.000-04:00

Rankings are good for two things: generating excitement among fans and recruits, and helping you blow your season. Fearing the latter, the Brown Men's Soccer coaching staff never addresses its national ranking at practices, games or meetings. The players, of course, check them out because, hey, you've gotta be able to let fans and coeds know exactly how good you are, right? But players are often reminded to focus on their performance and tangible team goals, and to let other people worry about rankings.

Other people like me!

In the only rankings that matter, Brown is now ranked #4 or #5 in the country (the "power rankings" and the RPI). In media and coaching polls, we are #2, #5, #6, and #28. Here is a breakdown of the rankings, how they work, and where Brown stands in each one. Just remember that by reading the information below, you risk convincing yourself that it actually matters.

Soccer Ratings - #4
This is the mathematical rating system used by the NSCAA (also known as "power rankings"). In other words, it's the only ranking system that really "matters" during the regular season. It uses a complex formula known as the Elo system, which is also used to rank world chess players. You can read more about the methodology here. So, yeah, the system is all fine and dandy, but we're still waiting for a mathematical formula that can tell us if Rhett Bernstein '09 can beat Gary Kasparov in a chess game played in a crowded penalty area. We think he can, and this will be Kasparov's reaction.

NSCAA - #6
So, the NSCAA gets a weekly report from SoccerRankings.com, the system described above. But then they do an interesting thing. Believing that "objective statistics" are inferior to their own unassailable opinions, they toss these rankings in the trash and vote however they want. It's sort of like handing a rigorous economic report to a Senate appropriations committee, and then watching them dole out the cash to their buddies. As you might imagine, Brown always seems to slip a couple of notches.

RPI (NCAA) - #5
This is the ranking system that the NCAA selection committee uses to select and seed teams for the NCAA tournament. In that sense, this is the ranking system that REALLY matters. Their methodology is murky, but any outfit that bans student athletes from using the soccer office printer because it constitutes an unfair advantage (Bylaw 17.1.2.4, paragraph 2) must know what they're doing, so we put our blind faith in the NCAA, our paragon of academic fortitude.

National Soccer Ranking - #2
NSR claims to be the preeminent soccer ranking site in the country. Not to knock their brag, but one would think that the preeminent ranking site in America would upgrade its site every six or seven years, and maybe hire someone with HTML skills that surpass mine. Nonetheless, whatever undisclosed formula or divining rod they are using has Brown at #2, so we proudly trumpet their clip-art-button fantastic-ness from the College Hilltops.

Soccer Times - #5
Known for their coverage of Americans abroad and their reluctance to remove outdated articles from their site, Soccer Times is the brainchild of chat room soccer junkies (image: sweaty men with beefed up video game thumbs clicking mice and following twelve matchtracker reports). Their methodology is not disclosed, but it's safe to assume that they poll each other, and run things by forum overlords soccrguy47 and iamzizu2006.

College Soccer News - #6
Yet another website (nope, no magazine) with an official sounding name and just god-awful graphics. Can these people PLEASE hire a 15 year-old geek to clean up their site?? Their rankings seem to be somewhere between dead reckoning and People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful Soccer Programs.

Soccer America - # ???
You can read the New York Times for free online, but you have to pay to read Soccer America. Am I missing something here? Come on, SA, give people access to your mediocre mag online. Anyone who forks out fifteen bucks is only going to find Paul Gardner's opinion pieces that much more uninspiring.

Top Drawer Soccer - #28
Come on, guys. Twenty-eight? That's just redonkulous. In fact, I'm not even linking to your page. You should stop ranking right now and stick to your hearsay lists of recruit commitments.

So the moral of the story is that, just like "Top 10 Celebrities" lists, rankings are a complete and total crock. But they matter because people read them, and because people talk, which is why we'll be spamming our ranking to recruits and fans far and wide. We're #4!! We're #4!!

Hail to the Chief

2007-10-16T10:06:00.001-04:00

Had to post this picture. Note the way Steve Sawyer '09 calmly yet firmly elbows #4 in the back, brushing him aside like a giant felling an old tree. Note the way #7 cries out in pain as he is bowled over. And note the way Sawyer doesn't even bother to look at his victims. What a Gladiator. Are you not entertained?

(Photo courtesy of Rebecca Sawyer)

Brown 3, Harvard 2 (OT)

2007-10-15T11:09:00.000-04:00

I’ve seen a lot of college soccer games. Some have been bad, most have been pretty good, and some have been very good. And then there have been a few that I would label as true classics—spirited battles between highly competitive teams, loads at stake, many goals, boisterous fans, hard tackles, controversial refereeing, passion, all on a crisp fall afternoon. In short, these are the games that college soccer is all about.

The Brown vs. Harvard game this past Saturday clearly belongs in this “classic” category. It wasn’t always the prettiest soccer (Rhett Bernstein walked off the field and said, “That was the ugliest game of soccer EVER!”) but it was undeniably and endlessly entertaining. For a hundred minutes, it was filled with drama and passion, and for a hundred minutes, no one could look away.

Last year, Harvard handed Brown a good old fashioned spanking, 6-1 at Stevenson Field. This year, Brown entered the game ranked #11 in the country, with Harvard ranked # 9. Both teams were 1-0 in the Ivy League, both had significant wins out of conference, and both knew each other very well. In other words, there was a lot at stake. In the end, Brown emerged the winner, putting itself in sole possession of first place in the league. Combined with the midweek win over BC, they might also be poised to crack the top ten national rankings. Brown continues their season on Saturday, October 20th when they travel to Ithaca, NY to play Cornell.

Now, here is your post-game report:

1st minute – Two teams that looked very relaxed in warm-up begin to play at a furious pace. No one takes more than two touches, and no one seems to complete more than four passes. Tackles fly, tempers flare.

12th minute – Kevin Davies fires a sharp angled shot that surprises the Harvard keeper, but which he manages to save.

17th minute – An incredibly speedy Harvard forward turns and fires a quick left footed shot from fifteen yards out, but Paul Grandstrand holds it cleanly.

22nd minute – Brown strings together several wonderful passes and releases Darren Howerton down the left side, but his first time effort sails wide of goal.

23rd minute - Howerton tosses in a flip throw. The goalkeeper drops the ball, creating a great scoring opportunity, but a Brown player is whistled for a phantom foul. Five minutes later, the same thing happens. What contact are you seeing, sir?

25th minute – Harvard appears to shove as they challenge for every head ball, but the referee blows his whistle selectively. It seems every call is going the way of the home team.

28th minute – Howerton tosses another lethal flip throw into the Harvard box, and several players rise to meet it. The goalkeeper can’t get his hands to the ball, and if falls into the scrum. After a couple of whacks, it comes to Dylan Sheehan, who easily slots a low left footed shot into the goal. The Brown bench explodes to its feet and the Brown coaching staff exchanges fist pumps and high fives. 1-0 Brown.

29th minute – Just fifteen seconds later, Harvard plays the ball forward into the Brown penalty area. Getting good position on defender Matt Britner, a Harvard forward takes a touch toward the end line. Realizing he has pushed the ball too far and has no other options, he slows up to draw contact, and flops to the ground. Unbelievably, the referee whistles for a PK, as the Brown coaching staff sprints down the sideline in protest. As if steered by the fates, the ensuing penalty kick glances off the left post and out of bounds. The law of universal justice is preserved, and order is restored to the cosmos. As the saying goes, “The ball never lies.”

32nd minute –A good turn and quick shot by forward TJ Thompson is saved by the Harvard goalkeeper.

41st minute – The linesman turns to respond to a Mike Noonan inquiry about a hand ball. At that exact moment, the ball is flighted over the Brown defense, and the linesman is caught out of position. Noonan screams, “He’s offsides!” As if mind controlled, the linesman raises his flag and halts a Harvard half-breakaway. We’ll have to take a closer look at that one on the film.

HALFTIME – Brown gets some much needed water. Coach Noonan tells the boys they played great until the last twelve minutes, and they need to keep the energy levels high.

53rd minute – A Harvard player cuts the ball back and serves in a left footed cross from the right wing. A Harvard forward leaps and sends a glancing header just beyond the impressively long outstretched wings of a leaping Grandstrand, into the upper left corner of the goal. The Crimson Crazies celebrate wildly. 1-1 tie.

54th minute – Thirty seconds later, left back Steve Sawyer takes a touch and nails a right footed laser into the Harvard penalty area. Dylan Sheehan leaps forward and smashes a header on goal, and the Harvard keeper does well to make the initial save. Kevin Davies, however, sniffs out the rebound like a well trained schnauzer and quickly kicks it into the net. The goal comes so quickly after the Harvard goal that the scorekeepers have to announce them together. 2-1 Brown.

57th minute – Rhett Bernstein heads a ball off the left post.

58th to 82nd minutes – The teams go back and forth and back and forth, with plenty of hard tackles and shots.

83rd minute – In a highly controversial series of plays, Nick Elenz-Martin slides and taps the ball, disrupting a Harvard player as he shoots and causing him to blast the ball over the net. The referee wrongly whistles for a Harvard corner kick, then compounds his mistake by allowing them to take the kick while two balls are on the field. As goalkeeper Paul Grandstrand clears the second ball off the field, a Harvard player takes the short corner and sends a hard, driven ball cross across the face of goal. Another Harvard player first times it easily into the net. The Harvard fans behind the net dance and celebrate as Grandstrand stands with his palms upturned, wondering why play had been allowed to continue. 2-2 tie.

100th minute – The fates once again exert their influence on the match. A Harvard player attempts to clear the ball up the left sideline but kicks a large, invisible lump of turf. The player looks down in confusion as the ball rolls out of bounds. How did that happen? As Howerton saunters across the field, Brown fans scream, “Hey Harvard, another flip throw coming at you. Let’s see you deal with THIS!” as Howerton chucks the ball into the six-yard box. Dylan Sheehan rises and nods it on to the far post, where a six-man Brown/Harvard caravan arrives and somehow ushers it into the goal. For the third straight game, the Brown bench (accompanied by a number of fans) rushes the field to celebrate an overtime victory.

And order is once again returned to the cosmos.

Final Score: Brown 3, Harvard 2 (OT)
Overall Record: 9-1-1
Ivy Record: 2-0-0

Next game: Saturday, October 20th @ Cornell

Brown 1, #5 BC 0 (OT)

2007-10-15T11:00:00.001-04:00

It seems you don’t want to be ranked #5 in the country when you play Brown. For the second time this season, Brown knocked off the #5 ranked team, beating Boston College on Wednesday night at Stevenson Field. Boston College entered the match with a 7-1-1 record, 4-0-0 in the ACC, with recent victories over Maryland, Duke, and North Carolina. Needless to say, it was a victory that should bring even more respect to Brown and the Ivy League. Or, as Coach Noonan put it, “it should make us stop picking up other conferences’ poop.” That’s verbatim.

Senior Laurent Manuel was the hero of the game, notching his first career goal with a superb strike from 30 yards. Freshman Paul Grandstrand earned the shutout in goal, his third of the season.

Now, here is your post-game report:

1st minute – Brown comes out looking a bit tentative, playing most of their passes backward and sitting deep in their own end.

15th minute – Brown emerges from its shell and applies steady pressure to the BC backline.

16th minute –Darren Howerton ’09 whips in a corner and Rhett Bernstein ’09 heads it just over the bar. Bernstein, who scored seven goals on headers last season, continues to be just off the mark this year.

33rd minute – Columbia transfer Will Lee ’09 plays a delicate ball from central midfield to Jon Okafor ’11. The uncatchable Okafor pulls away from his defender and moves toward goal on a breakaway, but his blast from fifteen yards is saved by BC’s monstrous goalkeeper.

Halftime – Coach Noonan points out that the boys have been in this position before—tied at halftime against a highly ranked team, having outplayed them for the first 45 minutes.

46th minute – Off the kickoff, BC looks hungry. They pick off an errant pass and immediately create a good scoring chance. Don’t play square balls off the kickoff, boys!

53rd minute – A BC player clears the ball high and into the stands. A cheer swells up from the targeted section as the ball approaches. Perhaps intending to prove that he is in fact the aerially dominant Rhett Bernstein’s father, or perhaps to show his son proper technique (in an attempt to jumpstart his son’s scoring streak), Rhett Bernstein’s father rises to his feet, removes his hat and, with perfect form, heads the ball back onto the field. The crowd erupts in joyful praise. He acknowledges his cheers with a brief wave of the hat to fans on both sides, then puts it on and takes a seat.

The guy who gave Rhett his aerial dominance.

58th minute – Freshman David Walls, whose play as a right back has been simply exemplary all season, goes in on a hard slide tackle and takes a finger to the eye. He jogs off the field, saying he has lost a contact lens. Athletic trainer Matt Culp is unable to locate the lens anywhere in Walls’ eye, and asks if he has a spare. He says no. Freshman Andy D’Avanzo asks Walls what his prescription is, but Walls doesn’t appear to have any idea. “Is it by any chance negative 1.75?” D’Avanzo inquires. “Yeah, that’s it!” Walls exclaims. Without hesitating, D’Avanzo takes out his lens and hands it to Walls, who gives it a quick saline bath and pops it in. Good as new, he steps back onto the field. D’Avanzo watches the rest of the match with his right hand over his right eye.

67th minute – One of BC’s dangerous forwards makes a slashing run, beating two Brown defenders before blasting a ball across the face of goal. It somehow manages to elude all defenders and attackers, and rolls just wide at the far post.

75th minute – A BC free kick takes an unfortunate deflection and falls directly to a BC player twelve yards from goal. With plenty of time, he misfires and sends the ball wide of goal.

82nd minute – Kevin Davies dipsy doodles up the right sideline, cutting inside and outside and inside, then serves a low cross toward goal. It caroms off a BC defender and falls directly to Nick Elenz-Martin. N-E-M’s first time effort flies just wide of goal.

90th minute – The final whistle blows. Overtime again!

OT – David Walls plays an intelligent ball into the feet of forward Dylan Sheehan. Sheehan posts up his defender Shaq-style and holds it for a second or two. He then lays it back to Laurent Manuel, who decides to have a very optimistic attempt from 30 yards. He connects perfectly and sends a low driven shot screaming into the lower right corner of goal, beating the keeper cleanly. In unmistakable ecstasy, he sprints toward the bench, a huge grin on his face, his pointer finger to the sky. For the second straight game, the Brown players flood the field to celebrate an overtime victory. When asked after the game if the shot deflected slightly, and why he didn’t come up with a more creative celebration, Manuel responds, “I have no idea. I blacked out.”

Final Score: Brown 1, BC 0
Overall Record: 8-1-1
Ivy Record: 1-0-0

Brown 2, Princeton 1 (OT)

2007-10-15T10:47:00.000-04:00

Most stereotypes are baseless. Blonds are air heads, jocks are dumb, men are unsensitive--I personally destroy at least three commonly held stereotypes. Some, however, seem grounded in fact, like the stereotype that Princeton students are really bad at dancing. Click here for proof.

When Brown and Princeton meet in any event, there seems to be a culture clash of sorts, and it often leads to an especially heated battle. Now when you put Brown and Princeton on the soccer field and make it an Ivy League opening match, you have the recipe for an especially spicy salsa.

In a match filled with several truly classic moments, Brown eventually emerged victorious. Nick Elenz-Martin scored the winner in OT, and Jarrett Leech earned the victory in goal. The Bears are now 1-0 in Ivy League play and back in the habit of winning.

Here is your post-game report:

Minutes 1-39 – The two teams scrap and battle and kick and fight with typical Ivy League game vigor. Players from both teams swarm the ball, leading to lots of turnovers. It might not be pretty, but it certainly is spirited.

40th minute – Princeton plays a ball over the Brown back line. Goalkeeper Jarrett Leech leaves his penalty area and decides to play it safe, blasting the ball out of bounds. Enter Coach Ryan Levesque’s U-13 Bruno United team, stage left sideline. For the record, the Bruno U13 boys are very good at soccer (4-0-1, 1st place in MAPLE Division 1). But they are even better at ball boy-ing. As Leech makes contact with the ball, one of the lads is already in position and tosses his hot potato to an onrushing Princeton player, who immediately chucks it inbounds. A teammate spots Leech out of position and lobs a first-time shot over his head. It curls up and away, toward the goal, and eventually rolls into the open net. Leech stands with his hands on his hips, coaches and fans consider the bittersweet irony of the goal, and the scorer’s table credits the ball boy with an assist. 1-0 Princeton.

46th – 86th minutes – Brown controls the match and creates a number of good scoring chances. Princeton’s backline, however, stands strong.

87th minute –A corner kick lands in a mess of people. Princeton is unable to clear as a brief scramble ensues, and the ball eventually falls to midfielder Chris Roland. Roland, whose typical warm-up involves shooting the ball as hard as he can before stretching, fires the ball on goal. It finds its way through traffic, perhaps taking a slight deflection, and powers into the side netting. Given Brown’s crescendo of forays, it seems like the kind of equalizer that HAS to lead to a winner. 1-1 tie.

90th minute –Brown wins a throw-in with 0:01 left on the clock. The referee blows his whistle, puts both hands above his head to stop the clock, and announces to an oddly silent stadium that, “Because Brown’s BALL BOYS got the ball to Princeton so QUICKLY on their GOAL, I’m going to add 15 seconds to the clock for this throw-in.” Princeton’s bench goes totally and completely bananas, as well they should. Where, they demand, is this rule?!? The referee looks it up in his internal rule book (located in his lower right gut) and ignores their protests, showing them a palm to suggest they settle down. The scorekeepers look at each other and shrug their shoulders, then obligingly add 15 seconds to the clock. Fortunately for the game and the referee, Brown does not score on the throw-in.

(OT) 98th minute – Like a delicious flank steak marinated in soy, Worcestershire, honey, ginger and lemon juice (try it), the ball rolls to Nick Elenz-Martin on a proverbial silver platter. Licking his freckled chops and trying not to get TOO excited, the talented midfielder connects, launching the hunk of meat from 25 yards. His drive spirals, screams across the face of the goal, beats the goalkeeper, ricochets off the underside of the crossbar, bounces down, and bounces back up into the net. It is, literally and figuratively, a golden goal.

And it just might have saved a 13 year-old boy’s life.

Final Score: Brown 2, Princeton 1 (OT)
Overall Record: 7-1-1
Ivy Record: 1-0-0
Next Match: Wednesday, October 10th vs. Boston College

Brown 0, BU 1

2007-10-15T10:46:00.001-04:00

Entering last week’s game against Boston University, the Brown Bears were 6-0-1 and ranked #14 in the country. They had won their own tournament, they had beaten two ranked opponents, and they had played a lot of good football. They had also beaten BU each of the last two seasons. So what exactly was going to motivate them for this non-conference, midweek game in the middle of midterms?

The answer, sadly, was nothing.

BU outplayed, outhustled, and outclassed the Bears and, in the end, handed Brown a much-deserved 1-0 loss. There was, however, a silver lining: the loss might also have been much-needed, the way a good beating can make a boxer fight with more heart.

The highlights were few and really far between, so instead of the usual minute-by-minute summary, I instead offer this report on the twelve hours after the game, as provided by Assistant Coach Ryan Levesque.

“We didn’t think we had played WELL but we thought we had at least played OKAY. Then, the next morning, Coach Noonan walked into the office looking really pale, like he was sick or had seen a ghost or something—he had just watched the film. Then we watched the film together, along with footage of Princeton, and we concluded that, if we played like that against Princeton, we would definitely lose.”

Princeton, the school that puts the “P” in “H-Y-P” and the “I” in “I am better than you” usually provides motivation naturally. But just to be sure the boys avoided another lackluster performance, Coach Noonan and Co. thought they should watch some film. So watch some film they did. And by “some” I mean a lot.

And, like a battered fighter, the motivation returned.

Brown 3, USD 2.....Brown 2, Cal Irvine 2

2007-09-27T02:17:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: The following summary has been provided by Thomas Thunell '10 and does not necessarily reflect the views or expressions of Anders Kelto Inc. or any of its affiliates or subsidiary companies. It DOES, however, provide a hilarious summary of the weekend and should be read in great detail. Anders is thankful to Thunell for providing this account while he trounces around Northern California passing out flyers and convincinng impressionable high school students that they should apply to Brown.

Here is your post-weekend Brown Soccer report:

This past weekend, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team took a trip to San Diego. For those of you who have seen the movie Anchorman you already know that the beautiful city was “discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.”

After a tiring cross country trip, the Brown soccer team squared away against the host University of San Diego Toreros. Even though the boys were unsure what a torero was, the Bears put in two goals in the first half of play. The first goal, a beautiful set piece from San Diego native Rhett Bernstein to scoring machine Kevin Davies put Brown up 1-0 thirty minutes in. Davies found the net again when another San Diego native, Nick Elenz-Martin, set up his favorite Long Island striker who slotted the ball perfectly in the back of the net. In the second half, Brown scored its third and final goal of the game when Davies set up Dylan Sheehan. This goal proved to be the red clothing for any experienced bull fighter, and the toreros were knocked out for good. USD scored on two “questionable” penalty kicks.

Saturday, the men of Brown were able to spend some time enjoying the finer side of life in San Diego. Although threats of the worst storm in San Diego history loomed, the seventy degree and sunny weather proved to be bearable as the team spent the afternoon at Nick Elenz-Martin’s aunt’s house. Great food, greater company, and Skyler eating his entire birthday cake proved to be enough entertainment for the boys on Saturday. However, the fun would not end there. That night as the team went out to dinner at a fine Italian diner, the always friendly guys were hit on by TWO bachelorette parties at the restaurant. The better looking players received stickers from the lovely ladies. Matt Britner received a sticker for best jaw line, Jarrett Leech for best upper body, and Thomas Thunell for nicest (or was it nicest on the eyes???).

Sunday Brown squared away against the #20 University of Cal Irvine Anteaters. In this much anticipated match-up of top twenty teams, neither team was able to get ahead in the first half of play. In the second half, Brown came out firing scoring two goals (Davies and Davies). However, the UCI Anteaters or the California Refereeing Association would not let Brown go down without a fight. The Anteaters were awarded two penalty kicks, capitalized on both, and tied the game. The game went to overtime where neither team mounted any serious scoring threats and the game ended as a tie.

After the game, the soccer team was treated to another lovely get together by Rhett Bernstein’s family and friends. California burritos and the Chelsea vs. Manchester United game proved to be a deadly combination and everyone enjoyed themselves. After eating, the team packed their bags and headed to the airport for their cross country trek with smiles on their faces after a successful weekend and an awesome trip to San Diego.

Brown 1, St. Francis 0

2007-09-21T07:55:00.000-04:00

St. Francis must have been one inspiring dude. The 13th century friar, canonized for choosing a life of poverty and humble service, has had more schools named after him than Maria Montessori. And that’s saying something. There’s St. Francis College in Loretto, Pennsylvania, St. Francis College in Fort Wayne, Indiana, St. Francis University in Joliet, Illinois, and St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights, New York. Throw in overseas colleges and universities in Brisbane, Sao Paolo, and Lucknow, India, tack on high schools in the U.S. and abroad, and you've got a list of schools called “St. Francis” that’s longer than, well, a Roman Catholic family tree.

The Brown Men’s Soccer team defeated St. Francis College of Brooklyln Heights, New York (we think) by a score of 1-0 this past Tuesday. Dylan Sheehan ’09 scored on a header in the first half, Paul Grandstrand earned the shutout in goal, and the Brown defense of Matt Britner ’07.5, Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Steve Sawyer ’09 kept things tidy in back. But the real story of the game was Brown’s inability to get that crucial second goal, owing in part to bad finishing, a bit of misfortune, and perhaps some intervention by St. Francis himself.

Here is your post-game report:

Kickoff – Roughly two hundred fans show up for the Tuesday night, 7 pm kickoff. While not a record-setting number, it certainly is an impressive showing. Goes to show what a winning streak can do.

1st minute – Brown gets into the flow immediately, deftly moving he ball between backs and midfielders. Nick Elenz-Martin ’10, finding his form, gets on the ball with great regularity and begins to set the rhythm of the game.

22nd minute – During a corner kick, Brown packs the six-yard box to make things difficult on the diminuitive Terrier goalkeeper. Darren Howerton ’09 swings in a beautiful corner kick, and several players gravitate towards the ball. Five players jump simultaneously and the ball hovers above them, weighing its options like a hungry farmer choosing the right bird for dinner. Ultimately, it chooses Dylan Sheehan ’09, who redirects the ball into the goal from six yards out. Just another day at the farm for Sheehan, who notches his fifth goal in five games. 1-0 Brown.

30th minute – Sheehan gets by his man and winds up to shoot. As he swings his right leg back, a St. Francis player clips him, sending Sheehan tumbling to the ground. While not intentional, it is clearly a foul and Brown is awarded a free kick. Matt Britner ’07.5 walks forward and places the ball on the penalty spot. After backing up a few steps, he approaches the ball with his usual relaxed confidence. But on this occasion, his best quality—calmness bordering on insouciance—becomes his worst enemy as the keeper dives right and easily saves the softly hit shot. Britner shrugs it off. Still 1-0 Brown.

Halftime – Seeing no need for tactical adjustments, Coach Noonan tells the boys to keep it up. Get back out there and get the second goal!

63rd minute – Kevin Davies ’09 and Elenz-Martin find themselves on a 2-on-1 break. Davies draws the defender and slips the ball to a wide open Elenz-Martin. The latter sets up for a left-footed shot and, as the keeper slides across to close down the angle, blasts the ball just wide of goal. It glances off the supporting pole and into the fence, which reminds me—Stevenson field now has “World Cup style” nets, the kind with poles that pull the net back. And they’re really sweet.

70th minute – Sheehan plays a well-timed ball laterally to Davies, who waterbugs past the Terrier defense and moves toward goal. On a clear breakaway, and with the entire net to shoot at, he somehow blasts the ball directly into the St. Francis goalie, the way a vice president might blast a quail hunting friend in the face. The startled St. Francis goalkeeper collects the ball. Still 1-0 Brown.

85th minute – St. Francis gets the chance that everyone knew it would. Their talented Swedish forward makes a well timed run, receives a diagonal ball, and slides to hit a first time left footed shot. With Grandstrand looking beaten, Rhett Bernstein materializes from and, at the last possible instant, blocks the shot. Still 1-0 Brown.

90th minute – The final whistle blows and Brown players, coaches and fans emit a collective sigh of relief. It probably never should have been this close, but it’s a result nonetheless. St. Francis, “The Small College of Big Dreams,” leaves Stevenson Field still dreaming of victory. We just hope they returned to the right campus.

Brown 1, St. Francis 0

Brown 1, URI 0

2007-09-16T16:07:00.000-04:00

Der·by [Brit. dahr-bee]
4. Any endeavor or venture regarded as a competition, especially one involving rival opponents from nearby areas. Ex: The Brown vs. URI soccer derby is always highly competitive, and used to feature unbelievable hair.

- - - Brown vs. URI in the 1977 NCAA Tournament - - -

As any good Englishman can tell you, derbies are often heated affairs. There's always a little more at stake--local bragging rights, local pride, maybe even some dormant, primeval need for alpha dominance. Whatever fuels the fire, the contests are almost always combustible, and the latest chapter in the Brown vs URI saga was no exception. The two rivals slugged it out for 90 minutes on Stevenson Field, with Brown eventually emerging victorious. Dylan Sheehan '09 scored the game winner (that's four goals in four games) and Jarrett Leech '09 earned the shutout in goal. Brown improves to 4-0 on the season while URI falls to 1-4, with losses to #9 Notre Dame, #2 Indiana, #15 Harvard and #21 Brown. Brown continues its season on Tuesday when they host St. Francis at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m., the last game in a five-game season-opening home stand.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Up - Anticipating yet another afternoon of aerial dominance, Rhett Bernstein warms up with a couple of practice headers. Perhaps a little TOO excited to smash an imaginary ball with his head, he snaps his torso forward and accidentally pulls a muscle in his neck. Afraid that he might not be able to play, Bernstein summons his Wolverine-like healing powers, twisting his adamantium-laced cranium left, then right, then walking back onto the field.

Kickoff - Brown assumes a 3-5-2 formation, a departure from its usual 4-4-2 set-up.

1st minute - URI launches the ball deep into Brown territory and sends an entire fleet of players after it. Clad in URI blue, they colonize the southern end of Stevenson field for the next twenty minutes.

21st minute - A towering URI Englishman identifies himself as a prime heckling target by barking at the referee in completely indecipherable British jargon, then shouting similarly incomprehensible commands to his teammates. After several minutes of debate, two Brown players conclude that Brown freshman David Walls' accent is much better.

28th minute - Darren Howerton '09 performs his first of two-hundred-and-twenty-seven flip-throws, nearly tossing the ball into the net, but the keeper manages to push it over the crossbar.

35th minute - A beautifully taken Howerton free kick drops into the penalty area, somehow eluding numerous Brown and URI players. It skips to Bernstein at the back post, but the defender slightly misjudges the bounce and heads it over the crossbar. Maybe it was that pulled neck muscle.

HALFTIME - Coach Noonan tells the team to go back out and enjoy the day...play soccer, guys! Play for the pure enjoyment of it! You're better than you showed in the first half! However, due to some slightly confusing inflection, no one is quite sure when the speech is over. One guy claps, then two guys clap, then everyone begins clapping before they retake the field.

60th minute - Howerton draws a free kick in the right corner and hits an in-swinging left footer. It lands at the far post where Dylan Sheehan, falling away from goal, heads it toward the near post from just three yards out. The goalkeeper dives to save but can only push it into the net. Sheehan celebrates by sprinting toward one corner flag, changing directions, then sprinting toward the Brown bench and leaping onto Skyler Patrick '10 like a koala bear to a eucalyptus tree. 1-0 Brown.

64th minute - The referee, whose performance was described by sideliners as "embarrassing," "shocking," "a nightmare," and "a horror show," continues to make perplexing calls.

74th minute - Two URI players collide just outside the Brown penalty area, and the one with the ball goes down hard. The referee whistles for a free kick, and the URI player stays down, perhaps trying to draw a yellow card on his teammate. Inexplicably, the Rams are awarded a free kick and the entire Brown defense protests. A URI forward's curling effort sails over the crossbar, proving once again that the ball never lies.

90th minute - As announcer Chris Walls counts down the last few seconds (nine, eight, seven...) URI fires the ball toward the Brown penalty area. Bernstein leaps to head it away and receives a solid push in the back from a URI forward. His hands fly up and make contact with the ball, and the referee blows the whistle, stops the clock (which he apparently is not supposed to do), and awards a free kick 18.1 yards from the Brown goal. The Bears builds a seven-man wall as every single URI player, including the goalkeeper, invade the area. After about ten minutes of scuffling and jockeying for position, including the flooring of Darren Howerton, URI takes what surely must be the last shot of the game. A URI midfielder approaches and blasts a chest-high effort directly into the wall, where David Walls takes it firmly in the sternum. The rebound falls to a second URI player, whose shot goes well wide of goal. Brown celebrates and the fans applaud both teams for their tremendous effort. After some slight coaxing from their head coach, the URI players agree to shake hands.

Final Score: Brown 1, URI 0
Overall Recored: 4-0
Next Game: Tuesday, September 18th vs. St. Francis @ 7 pm

Starters: Leech, Bernstein, Britner, Sawyer, Walls, Roland, Elenz-Martin, Okafor, Howerton, Davies, Sheehan

Subs: Thompson, Lee, Behrendt, McGrath

After the game: Standing behind the Brown bench, Thomas Thunnel's eight-year-old cousin announces her presence at full volume...for the eighth time. Seeing as he has already said hi to her the first seven times, Thunnel pretends not to hear her, to which she turns and stammers, "I'm here, and he doesn't even CARE!"

Brown 2, Maine 1

2007-09-15T12:05:00.000-04:00

So, you're dating this girl and everything seems to be going just fine. After the first date, she seems almost perfect, and the second date only reaffirms your excitement. But then, you go out with her a third time and suddenly, incredibly, she seems like a different person - uninspiring, maybe even a bit dull.

Such disenchantment must have been felt by fans who attended the first half of the Brown vs. Maine game on Thursday afternoon. Coming off very impressive performances against Santa Clara and Fordham, Brown came out for date #3 looking lethargic, almost lifeless. Maybe it was the midweek afternoon kickoff, or maybe it was the fact that Maine had only won one game in the last two years and therefore didn't seem to pose a challenge. Whatever the reason, the Brown coaching staff spent 45 minutes watching a group that seemed nothing like the group they had recently developed a crush on.

Fortunately, the team managed to pull it together in the second half. As a result, the coaching staff will probably NOT begin drinking too much, asking the team why they don't love them, and sobbing on the phone to friends. But we can't guarantee that.

Now, here is your post-game report:

1st minute - Brown gives the ball away at midfield.

10th minute - Brown gives the ball away in its own end.

17th minute - Brown gives the ball away on a square pass in its own box.

25th minute - A Maine punt bounces at midfield and is controlled by a Blackbear forward. He turns and releases what appears to be a harmless shot from 25 yards, but it somehow slips beneath the outstretched right arm of Paul Grandstrand '11. A clipboard flies, a bench is rattled, and the Brown coaching staff takes turns vomiting on the scorer's table. 1-0 Maine.

32nd minute - A Maine forward fires a free kick over the wall, and it clatters off the right post.

40th minute - Brown finally creates some scoring chances, but to no avail.

45th minute - Maine fails to clear the ball from its own box. It falls to Dylan Sheehan '09, who releases an arcing right footed shot from just inside the penalty area. The ball floats toward the back post, carving a perfect rainbow in the sky before beautifully bulging the net. Sheehan celebrates as if the strike had not been a mishit. 1-1 tie.

HALFTIME - With the emotional control of a practicing yogi and the color of a seasick sailor, Coach Noonan asks the players to please - PLEASE - not let this be the greatest day in Maine soccer history.

46th minute - Brown responds with much greater energy (including a very vocal bench) but the sloppy play continues.

50th minute - At last, the boys execute some good ball movement and get a handle on the game. The territorial domination begins.

64th minute - Acrobat extraordinaire Darren Howerton '09 performs his always-crowd-pleasing flip throw, this time with a low trajectory. The ball screams into the penalty area at head height, where it crashes into a mosh pit of soldiers. The head of Private Jonathon Okafor '11 rises above the rest and redirects the projectile into the net, and he celebrates with the giddy excitement of a six year-old who has blown his first bubble gum bubble. 2-1 Brown.

65th - 89th minutes - Brown keeps Maine pinned deep in its own end, but fails to score on several great opportunities, including one especially strong Kevin Davies '08 effort.

90th minute - The final whistle blows and the color returns to Coach Noonan's face. It wasn't pretty, but it was a result. As in love, I suppose you've gotta take the bad with the good.

Final Score: Brown 2, Maine 1
Overall Record: 3-0
Next game: Sunday, September 16th vs. URI

Starters - Grandstrand, Britner, Bernstein, Sawyer, Walls, Howerton, Okafor, Lee, Roland, Davies, Sheehan

Subs used - Thompson, McGrath, Behrendt, Eldgredge, Melitsanopolous

Just hours after scoring the game winner, Jon Okafor '11 begins studying Coach Noonan's dissertation/scouting report on URI

Brown 3, Fordham 1 - Brown Soccer Classic Champions!

2007-09-13T20:40:00.000-04:00

Winning your own soccer tournament is sort of like winning pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey at your own birthday party. Sure, you deserve the victory, but you feel kind of bad for beating all your guests.

If the Brown Men's Soccer team felt any such guilt, they certainly didn't show it on Sunday afternoon. They beat Fordham 3-1, clinched the Brown Soccer Classic title, and then celebrated wildly. Dylan Sheehan '09, Kevin Davies '08 and Darren Howerton '09 scored for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech '09 earned the victory in goal. As you might expect, the awards also followed: Sheehan was named Offensive MVP, Rhett Bernstein '09 was named Defensive MVP, and Sheehan, Bernstein, Chris Roland '10 and David Walls '11 were named to the All-Tournament team.

And if those awards weren't enough, Sheehan was named Ivy League Player of the Week, Walls was named Ivy League Rookie of the Week, and Bernstein was named to Soccer America's National Team of the Week. All in all, it was a very successful weekend and a promising start to a promising new season.

And yes, I am aware that it is now Thursday, making this old news.

Nonetheless, here is your (belated) post-game report:

Saturday - Heading into the match, Coach Noonan worries that, after such a dramatic Friday night victory, Sunday's game might be a "hangover" match--a hot afternoon, a small crowd, and heavy legs leading to a sluggish performance.

1st minute - The boys show they have taken the soccer equivalent of two aspirin and a glass of water (and maybe some late night pizza), looking fresh from the opening whistle as they apply trademark Brown pressure all over the field.

26th minute - Steve "Chief" Sawyer '09 plays the ball wide to Darren Howerton '09, who plays a first time ball forward to Sheehan. The Fordham defender misjudges the bouncing ball, and Sheehan sneaks behind him toward goal. As the keeper advances, Sheehan releases a low shot that slows as it slips between his feet, then trickles across the goal line as a late defender slides to save it. Sheehan celebrates by running toward a section of the crowd and having a short conversation with a friend. 1-0 Brown.

32nd minute - A bouncing ball outside the box is met by Darren Howerton '09, who spends most of his free time practicing watching internet soccer highlights. Howerton's first-time volley from twenty-two yards out is itself worthy of a highlight video, as it sneaks through a crowd of defenders and finds its way into the lower right corner of the net. Howerton celebrates by running toward the same set of fans and apparently having the same conversation with the same guy. Is this where the boosters hand out cash prizes for goals? 2-0 Brown.

46th minute - Fordham pulls a goal back. A long throw-in is poorly cleared by the Brown backline, and a Ram player gets his head on the ball. Jarrett Leech saves the initial effort, but a second Fordham player hurls his body toward the rebound and heads it in. 2-1 Brown.

69th minute - Jon Okafor '11 makes what is fast becoming a trademark run down the right wing. Getting past two defenders, he lines up a shot but misfires across the face of goal, where Kevin Davies '08 is surprised to find an easy tap-in. 3-1 Brown.

70th - 90th minutes - Brown misses a plethora of chances, several in dramatic fashion. Fortunately, they don't concede any goals, so these missed opportunities never come back to haunt them. Not yet, anyway.

Final Score: Brown 3, Fordham 1
Overall Record: 2-0

Brown 2, Santa Clara 1

2007-09-08T10:39:00.000-04:00

The Brown Men's Soccer team kicked off the 2007 season in style with a 2-1 victory over Santa Clara on Friday night at Stevenson Field. Heading into the match, Santa Clara was ranked #5 in the NSCAA Coaches Poll after going 13-5-5 and reaching the NCAA Quarterfinals last season. Though the Broncos were good, nearly everyone in attendance would agree that the result was fair, as Brown played well and earned more quality scoring chances. Strike partners Dylan Sheehan '09 and Kevin Davies '08 scored for the Bears, and freshman Paul Grandstrand '11 earned the victory in goal. The Bears continued the Brown Adidas Classic on Sunday afternoon with a 3-1 victory over Fordham, who was not ranked #5 in the nation.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Februrary, 2007 - Architects and Engineers discover that the Smith Swim Center is structurally deficient, citing rotting wooden beams. Brown closes the building down and begins construction on a temporary swim center in the back parking lot.

September 7th, 2007, 6:00 pm - The pre-game Adidas Classic BBQ, now a featured part of freshman orientation, is held in front of the OMAC due to the temporary pool (which I like to picture as an above ground pool). As per the BBQ tradition, the scent of broiled burgers and french fries mixes with freshman pheromones, creating that unmistakable back-to-school sports atmosphere.

Warm-Up: As the stands begin to fill, the boys warm up to an appalling medley of girly Pop/House/Hip-Hop. Assistant Coach Anders Kelto receives inquisitive looks as the players ask who submitted this wretched compilation. Kelto pleads ignorance as the players do high knees and heel kicks to the sounds of a technofied Cindy Lauper and the Black Eyed Peas doing "Ole Ole Ole." The CD's origins remain unknown.

Introductions: Six members of the Bruno United Boys U13 soccer team are given the honor of serving as ball kids and running onto the field with the Brown players. In Europe, junior players take the field holding hands with the players, but American boys are, for obvious reasons, much less comfortable with this arrangement. The result becomes a hilarious series of "Do I hold or not hold?" decisions, with some boys going "European," some offering just a wrist, and some proving their manhood by breaking free of all physical man-to-man contact. Kids.

1st minute - Amidst perfect conditions, Santa Clara takes the kickoff and hits a long diagonal ball deep into Brown territory, an act that would be repeated many times throughout the game. As Coach Noonan points out, they play Northern Cali soccer, not Southern Cali soccer.

10th minute - Brown remains trapped in its own end, unable to keep possession for any period of time. Perhaps it is first game jitters?

15th minute - Birthday Boy Steve Sawyer '09 defends Santa Clara's speedy right winger superbly, forcing him to the end line with patience and good footwork. As he goes to tackle the ball, however, it takes an unfortunate bounce and squirts toward the Brown goal. The Bronco winger slips by Sawyer and whips in a perfect cross, where a gargantuan center forward heads it in. 1-0 Santa Clara.

27th minute - Brown gets a grip on the game and begins forcing Santa Clara back into its own end. A flip-throw by Darren Howerton '09 is flicked on by Nick Elenz-Martin '10 before Dylan Sheehan misses what appeared to be an easy header at the far post.

32nd minute - Alumnus Ben Brackett '07, no longer on the field, nonetheless makes his mark on the game. He shouts so many instructions and cheers so passionately that he is actually written up by a Brown police and security officer, who insists that he is a student. To prove to the disbelieving officer that he is not, in fact, a Brown student, he flashes his Brown Alumni ID card as his friends snicker in rapt amusement.

38th minute - Some fine combination play between Davies, Sheehan, and freshman Jon Okafor '11 ends with the incredibly speedy freshman breaking free down the right wing. He cuts the ball back to the middle where, after a slight redirection, it falls to Sheehan. The Canadian's point blank effort is saved by the goalie's feet and the ball pops beyond the penalty area to freshman David Walls '11, who sees his looping left footed volley parried away by the repositioned keeper.

42nd minute - A corner kick scramble eventually falls to striker T.J. Thompson '10 at the far post. The ball seems to float above ground, just two yards from the net like a fat, confused hummingbird begging to be kicked into its nest. Forgetting that most basic of soccer techniques - keep your knee over the ball! - Thompson blasts the pudgy budgie over the crossbar as the crowd and the Brown bench groan in disbelief.

HALFTIME - Having shown that they can hold their own against one of the nation's best teams, Brown makes no tactical changes. Be patient, boys, and put away your chances!

49th minute - A Brown attack is repelled and the ball falls to right defender David Walls. The Englishman fakes a cross and pushes the ball toward the end line before serving up a silver platter of toast and baked beans to striker Dylan Sheehan who, though her prefers beef jerky and maple syrup, easily heads home from six yards. The until-now-subdued crowd erupts as the Brown players sprint toward the corner flag in jubilation.

54th minute - Freshman goalkeeper Paul Grandstrand '11, who doubled as a field player on his club team, hits one of his usual knuckling missiles up the center of the field. Sheehan flicks it to a scampering Davies, who times his run perfectly. Although Santa Clara's central defender is well positioned, Davies' remarkable quickness allows him to get a toe to the ball first, falling to his left as the defender delivers a Darius Kasparitis-like hip check. The ball lofts up and over the goalie's shoulder and rolls into the net. Davies jumps up from the ground and, looking every bit like a bowler on crack, lowers his body and enthusiastically hurls a single fist toward the sky.

80th minute - Santa Clara throws everything forward and applies sustained pressure for ten minutes (translated into ten Noonan years). The back line of Walls, Sawyer, Matt Britner '07.5 and Rhett Bernstein '09 hold strong and block several shots, and Grandstrand intelligently punches away several crosses.

90th minute - With 30 seconds to go, Jon Okafor powers by two Santa Clara players and plays the ball beyond midfield to Nick Elenz-Martin. Recognizing a 3-on-1, Elenz-Martin considers his options: 1) Dribble to the corner flag and kill the game, or, 2) Score. The sophomore initially chooses correctly (#1) and heads for the corner flag. But then, allured by the sweet siren call of a game clincher in front of a capacity crowd (#2), he changes course and sails his black-haired ship toward goal. Then, using a thought process that he would later attempt to explain, he blasts the ball over the crossbar as Coach Noonan breaks into a full body spasm. Santa Clara fires the ensuing goal kick deep into Brown territory, where they earn (but eventually miss) one final, heart-stopping scoring chance.

Said Elenz-Martin after the game, "I figured that if I was going to miss, I'd miss over the goal so that time would run out." Next time, we'll make sure one of the ball boys accompanies Nick onto the field.

Final Score: Brown 2, Santa Clara
Next Match: Sunday, September 9th vs. Fordham, 2:30 pm

Brown vs. Santa Clara
Starters - Grandstrand, Walls, Britner, Bernstein, Sawyer, Howerton, Elenz-Martin, Roland, Okafor, Sheehan, Davies

Subs - Eldredge, Thompson, Lee, Manuel

Skits!

2007-09-04T19:01:00.001-04:00

At the end of every preseason, the team gets together for a Brown Soccer tradition: skits. The freshmen go first, then the sophomores, juniors, seniors and coaching staff, all taking turns doing impressions of one another. As you might imagine, fifteen straight days together results in an endless amount of material, and some truly classic moments arise. All in all, skits are a great way for the team to get together, eat pizza, and laugh at each other and themselves, but mostly at each other.

While the skits are almost never made public, we have decided to give you, our loyal blog readers, an inside peek. Because I mean really, how can I deny you the chance to watch players do impressions of Noonan, Ryan and Murph??

Here is brave freshman Sean McGrath '11 doing a spot-on impression of Assistant Coach Ken Murphy:

And here is the senior class doing Noonan, Murph, Ryan and Nic Rossi:

Credits:
Matt Britner '07.5 as Mike Noonan (MN)
Laurent Manuel '08 as Ken Murphy (KM)
John Behrendt '08 as Ryan Levesque (RL)
Kevin Davies '08 as Nic Rossi

Preseason, Day 10: THE END (of the beginning)

2007-09-02T17:23:00.001-04:00

Day 10 got off to a great start as several Brown Soccer Alumni, in town for a wedding, watched the morning session and had a kick-around with their wedding party. Greg Lalas '94, Mike Barrish '96 and Chris Foxx '96 were all in attendance and, while we won't comment on the quality of play, we will point out that there is often a direct correlation between one's suntan and the amount of time one spends in the sun practicing soccer. Only kidding, boys. You've still got it!

From left to right: Greg Lalas '94, Coach Noonan, Chris Foxx '96, Mike Barrish '96, Swedish International Christian Wilhelmsson

Day 10 concluded with a fast-paced, high-intensity 11 v 11 game, dubbed the Brown vs. White scrimmage. Brown (wearing yellow) defeated White (wearing blue) by a score of 3-2.

Brown: Grandstand, Walls, Bernstein, Britner, McGrath, Manuel, Thunnel, Kelto, D'Avanzo, Melitsanopolous, Levesque

White: Schlenker, Hay, Jabola-Carolus, Behrendt, Patrick, Howerton, Lee, Elenz-Martin, Okafor, Sheehan, Thompson

Scoring: Melitsanopolous (13'), Manuel (PK - 27'), Sheehan (36'), Levesque (52'), Howerton (PK - 59')

At the end of the game, Coach Noonan again thanked the players for an outstanding effort and noted that this was probably the toughest preseason any of his Brown teams have endured. And such a great effort can only mean that the road to a great season has been paved.

So, to wrap up this year's preseason coverage, here is a photo of Nick Elenz-Martin that I think sums it up:

Preseason, Day 8: A Day At The Beach

2007-09-02T16:53:00.000-04:00

You've gotta give 'em credit for trying. But, as Jedi Master Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

The coaching staff TRIED to give the boys a fun morning on Day 8 by taking them to the beach. But, as it turned out, the beach was more like a sandy stretch of marshland on the western side of Narragansett Bay, separated from civilization by two miles of swampland; swampland that the Brown boys would soon find themselves wading through. Among the items spotted floating by Kevin Davies '08 and Laurent Manuel '08 were empty beer cans, stray socks, and in inexplicably large volume of unused toilet paper. Perhaps most amazingly, Assistant Coach Nic Rossi somehow knew this place existed. It really is amazing what kids will discover when they need a place to drink in high school.

All joking aside, the boys did make it to the beach and enjoyed a nice swim. Assistant Coach Ryan Levesque, meanwhile, did NOT enjoy one of the choicer sunburns this fair-skinned narrator has seen in a while. (Will health insurance pay for two bathtubs of aloe?) And the trip did give the boys a chance to recover, in the way a day of Category Two climbs lets Tour de France riders recover.

In the afternoon, it was back to business with an 11 v 11 scrimmage on the very hard, non-swampy practice field.

Some locals watch the Brown team's morning session.

Preseason, Day 9: Injury Update

2007-09-02T15:42:00.000-04:00

The Brown team has been incredibly fortunate this preseason, as few players have sustained serious injuries and many have been able to play with minor ones. The latter fact is due, in part, to the handy work of athletic trainer Matt Culp, pictured here wrapping Isaac Jabola-Carolus '11's ankle for the sixty-eighth time this week. Jabola-Carolus's near-perfect attendance in the training room has been surpassed only by the chronically ailing Laurent Manuel '08, diagnosed with sore forearms (too many pull-ups), an eternally bad back, and an unknown upper hamstring injury that apparently requires daily treatment with a deep tissue stimulating "massage gun." Hey, we're not asking questions.

Also among the mildly injured:

Steve Sawyer '08 - Strained quadricep (day-to-day)
Iain Eldgredge '10 - Strained groin (day-to-day)
Chris Roland '10 - Strained hip flexor (missed last five days or preseason, hoping to return soon)
Kevin Davies '08 - Cut toe, sustained during team trip to local swimming swamp (see Preseason, Day 8).

Preseason, Day 7: Round and Round We Go

2007-09-02T15:26:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, when you've been doing the same thing for a really long time, you get a little bit loopy. Especially if that thing you've been doing is playing soccer, twice a day, every day, for seven days straight. Or trying to put together enough drills to fill those fourteen practices.

Coaching loopiness was possibly the story behind Day 7, Practice #2, as Coach Ryan Levesque had the players finish off the session by performing a zig zag, spin-around-the-pole relay race in which they ran around a pole five times and had to shoot while dizzy. It was straight out of the company picnic play book, and really called for some beer. Unfortunately, none was available, so next time I'll have to arrange in advance to have my dad deliver a couple kegs of home brew.

While it was a good laugh for players and coaches alike, it was, more than anything, a reminder that the boys have been working extremely hard and that their efforts have not gone unrecognized.

Kevin Davies '08, making another defender look like he's standing still.

Davies, now lacking inner ear equilibrium

(IMAGE NOT AVAILABLE)

Davies falling down

Preseason, Day 6: Shakedown, Breakdown, Takedown

2007-08-30T00:09:00.001-04:00

1. BREAKDOWN
There are two known causes of rhabdomyolosis, or severe breakdown of muscle fiber. The first is elevated levels of cholesterol-fighting statins such as Crestor. The second is six consecutive days of Brown Soccer preseason.

Day 6 saw a superlative performance at the track, including Nick Elenz-Martin's sub-eleven-minute two-mile, T.J. Thompson's sub-five-minute mile, and Iain Eldredge's completion of a lap. Not to be outdone, assistant coach Ryan Levesque finished two miles in 11:30, beating several of the players and giving the rest of the coaching staff a feeling of fitness by association. After all the running wrapped up, the players jogged back up to the OMAC, where several appeared to be straddling invisible pommel horses. You gotta love preseason.

2. TAKEDOWN
When legs get heavy, tackles get late. And the training session later that afternoon saw some hearty takedowns, the kind that that would make a Scottish Third Division professional coach proud.

3. SHAKEDOWN
But the true highlight of Day 6 came after practice, when Thomas Thunnel '10 did his best Eddie Murphy (as Detective Axel Foley) impersonation and shook down a kid who had stolen two soccer balls from Stevenson. After Steve Sawyer '09 and Chris Roland '10 had spotted the offender, Thunnel took off like a bloodhound and eventually spotted the boy strolling across the road near Moses Brown. He approached the young bandit from behind and lightly tapped him on the shoulder. The boy, estimated at 13 years old, turned to see Thunnel's 6'4" frame towering over him, and as if doing Thunnel a favor, remarked, "Oh, I got your soccer balls for you." He then tossed them to Thunnel and ran for the hills.

While the rewards of this achievement include lifelong praise from Assistant Coach Ken Murphy for saving the program at least $30, the drawbacks include grandiose expectations whenever future soccer balls disappear. Fortunately, we think "T Time," as he is known, will be up to the task.

"You can shake me for a while, Live it up in style, No matter what you do, I'm comin' after you."

-Bob Seger, and Thomas Thunnel '10

Preseason, Day 5: Meet a Freshman

2007-08-28T23:20:00.000-04:00

To be honest, not a lot happened on Day 5. So rather than recap a fairly ordinary day (training, fitness, training, fitness) I'll instead introduce the first in a multi-part series called "Meet The Freshmen."

Today's freshman is Paul Grandstrand. Let's get things rolling with this incredibly revealing interview:

Just like The View, we're not afraid to ask the tough questions. Or to wrap things up with a baby picture - I told you...they're everywhere! Unfortunately, I spent most of this "interview" trying to figure out if the camera was on, and, unfortunately, it was. Future interviews will be much better. Promise.

Fun fact about Paul: He played right back on his club team and was a Minnesota All-State selection as a defender during his junior year. Then, during his senior year, he was named "Mr. Soccer" (the top high school player in the state) as a goalie. While being named the Mr. Soccer of Minnesota is somewhat like being named the Mr. Luge of Florida, it is nonetheless an impressive accomplishment, and qualifies Paul to join the elite ranks of Mr. Soccer Camps.

Paul's play during preseason has been very impressive thus far, so with last year's starter Jarrett Leech '09, up-and-coming sophomore Jarrod Schlenker '10, and Paul all in the mix, there should be no shortage of talent between the pipes.

And seriously, ladies, how about that smile?

Preseason, Day 4: Brown 0, UVM 1

2007-08-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

Samuel Goldwyn once said, "The harder I work, the luckier I get." He later added, "But sometimes I work hard and play sweet soccer, but still lose to freaking Vermont."

Such was the case for Brown on Day 4 of preseason. Despite controlling the play and smacking shots off the post, the goalkeeper, and the force field across the UVM goal, they emerged on the wrong side of a 1-0 game. There were, however, plenty of positives to take away, notably some impressive combination play between forwards and midfielders. As Coach Noonan put it, "Combination play this early in the season is a VERY good sign." Leave it to Coach Noonan to take a loss and use it to apply even more pressure to the team.

Afterwards, the players, coaches, parents, staff, friends, and an alarming number of babies gathered at Coach Noonan's house for a post-game reception and BBQ. Seriously, did everyone affiliated with Brown Soccer pop out a baby this summer? The little creatures were everywhere. We can only assume that their births were timed so their parents wouldn't miss a single game this fall--a system of priorities, I should note, that we expect of all fans.

At the BBQ, parents shared grilling duties, while players shared eating duties. The 7,000 calories that each consumed should partially replace what they will burn tomorrow, during Day 5.

Sophia Levesque, laughing at a futile attempt to restrain her.

Preseason, Day 3: Picture Day

2007-08-26T22:11:00.000-04:00

On Day 3, Mother Nature plugged in the sun and threw some water on the rocks. Such intense heat and humidity on picture day could have spelled trouble for Iain Eldredge's ode-to-Kevin-Keegan shag, but he fought the frizz with a time tested technique known as "bed head." I just learned about this technique the other day. Apparently, all you do is wake up late and not shower.

- - - Iain Eldredge '10 who, believe it or not, is not Canadian - - -

After crouching in extreme discomfort on sore legs to be digitally immortalized, the team trained for an hour and a half, trained again in the afternoon, and then departed for the Revolution vs. Red Bulls match at Gillette Stadium. If you haven't already seen it, you must check out the outrageous own goal that handed victory to the Revs:

("8/25: Mendes Own Goal Decides Match)
http://web.mlsnet.com/mls/sights/index.jsp

At the game, eleven of the Brown boys bared their chests and were shown on national TV, L-A-R-E-N-T-O-W-I-C-Z painted across their bellies. Before donning the "T," Rhett Bernstein '09 shaved the letter into his pelt.

Here are some alternative letter arrangements that were not used:

CRAZIE TOWN
ZIT ON EAR
I, COW
LEARN TO WIZ

Preseason, Day 2: Baisars d'une Soeur

2007-08-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

According to Google Translation, that's how you say "kissing your sister."

The Brown boys kissed their proverbial French sister on Day 2 of preseason, tying the University of Montreal deux-deux. Brown right back Laurent Manuel '08 scored Montreal's first goal (yes, you read that correctly) deftly chipping his own keeper on an ill-advised back pass. Oddly enough, Manuel is a dual citizen of the U.S. and France, prompting un-disproven accusations of betrayal. Indeed, the aplomb with which the young Frenchman scored on his own goalie makes one wonder if he was not in fact aiding his Québécois counterparts.

The second Montreal goal was a nice individual effort from the U of M right winger, and it caused raucous applause and cries of "Très bon! Très bon!" from his bench.

Brown stole back a goal at the stroke of halftime, as (non-French) Canadian Dylan Sheehan '09, known as much for his hockey-like forechecking as his nose for the goal, snuck behind the Montreal defense and collected a bouncing ball before lobbing an inside-of-the-footer over the advanced keeper.

The game turned a bit chippy in the second half, and at times resembled Canada's national sport (hockey... it never really resembled curling) more than soccer. But even as the game became more physical, Brown kept its cool and controlled most of the play. Then, late in the second half, the referee dished up a steaming hot crepe of justice when Kevin Davies '08 was hauled down in the box. Chris Roland '10 saw his penalty kick saved, but Davies scampered in and tapped in the rebound.

Laurent Manuel '08: Accidental Own Goal, or Modern Day Mata Hari?

Dylan Sheehan '09 displays the forearm that frequently visits opponents' chests.

Preseason, Day 1: "The Three Mile"

2007-08-23T21:46:00.001-04:00

Back-t0-School checklist:

Box of No. 2 pencils.....check.
Folders and notebooks......check.
Barf bag for track......check.

If there is one thing that is synonymous with "Brown Soccer Preseason," it is the three-mile run, and the accompanying feeling of nausea. The three-mile is a simple enough concept: Go run around the track twelve times, and do it in under eighteen minutes. But it's a lot easier to describe than it is to run, as anyone who has attempted "The Tre" can tell you. Just how bad is it? Mention the words "three" and "mile" to any recent graduate and you'll see them shift uncomfortably in their chair, brow furrowing over their ashen face, a guttural "uuooghh" escaping them. It is the look of remembered suffering.

Well, if last year's three-mile run was Windows XP, then this year's run was Windows Vista - a newer version of a futile, mentally anguishing product. Rather than starting together, the players began at different times, according to predicted (or known) handicaps. As the clock counted down, each player had to push himself to his own physical limitations to finish on time. If done to perfection, the entire group would finish together, in Blue Angel-like formation, to Chariots of Fire.

Though they didn't achieve the picture perfect finish hoped for, the boys fared pretty well. Most made their goal, or went sub-eighteen minutes, or both. Combined with good height, weight and body fat averages (aided, no doubt, by the loss of several members of the Class of '07) the team seems to have the physical baseline necessary for success. A scrimmage, a practice, some set pieces, and a tactical meeting later, and it's on to Day 2.

Sorry for the unnecessary fat joke, Class of '07.

Brown 1, Spellman 1

2007-08-11T16:36:00.001-04:00

As it turns out, the Brown Men's Soccer team isn't the only Brown Soccer team that's been training hard in the offseason. Check out this video clip from RoboCup 2006. . .

RoboCup is part of an international campaign to "develop a team of fully autonomous humanoid robots that can win against the human world soccer champions" (www.robocup.org). Based on this footage, beating the world champions sounds like a long shot, but beating the 2007 USA Copa America team seems plausible. . .

Testing, Testing

2007-08-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

Alright, people...it's getting close to that time of year again...the time where you pack away your sunscreen, pull out your winter clothes, and start drinking whiskey under a blanket instead of mai tais under the sun.

For those fanatical die hards who are actually checking this site right now, you will be elated to know that I am experimenting with embedded audio and video, as part of our never ending quest to bring you the best possible behind-the-scenes coverage of the Brown Men's Soccer team. So bear with me as I waste a couple of posts here on some tests...

2007-03-14T20:04:00.000-04:00

It's a girl! (And a girl, and a girl.)

The day after Meghan Noonan was born, four year-old Caleigh Noonan was seen sprinting around the Brown Men's Soccer office in an uncontrollable frenzy of excitement. Here she can be seen practicing her big sister skills. She looks like a natural!

NCAA Tournament 2nd Round: Brown 0, Duke 2

2006-11-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

The Brown Men’s Soccer season came to a dramatic end this past Wednesday evening as the Bears were defeated by the #1 ranked Duke Blue Devils 2-0 in the second round of the NCAA Tournament. Despite looking like the better team for much of the second half, the Bears couldn’t muster a goal against Duke’s stingy defense. Brown finishes the 2006 season with an 11-5-3 record, and seniors Ben Brackett, Andrew Daniels, Brian Joyce, Alexan Simon, Dave Semenza, Jamie Granger and Ian Premo conclude their impressive Brown careers with two Ivy League titles, three NCAA Tournament appearances, and a lifetime of Brown Soccer memories.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Tuesday evening: The team flies to Durham, NC and has dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Brown athletic trainer (and UNC alum) Matt Culp, who frequently professes his love for south-of-the-border cuisine, finds himself overly excited to be back at a Mexican restaurant in North Carolina and puts on an eating display that will be talked about for many years to come. In one sitting, he devours a three-person, three-course meal (called “El Combo”) without taking a breath. Then, after earning a new level of respect from the players, coaches, and restaurant staff, he is affectionately dubbed Culpayashi, a reference to competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi.

Warm-Ups: After three days of training, watching film, and waiting for their shot at the #1 team in the country, Brown takes the field as Duke’s impressive sound system pumps out the hits.

1st minute – As the Cameron Crazies eventually find their way to the soccer stadium, Duke comes out looking poised and confident, and they gain an early territorial advantage. Every Duke throw-in is taken by their right defender, who launches the ball into the Brown penalty area from virtually every part of the field.

20th minute – Steve Sawyer curls a dangerous cross into the Duke penalty area, where Jamie Granger ’06.5 slips by his defender and sprints across the face of the goal, narrowly missing the ball before it is gobbled up by the Blue Devil keeper.

27th minute - Duke lobs a cross into the Brown penalty area, where it lands perfectly on the foot of their playmaking central midfielder, Michael Videira. Videira takes two touches with his right foot and smashes the ball home with his left foot from close range. 1-0 Duke.

34th minute – Nick-Elenz Martin ’10 gets the crowd up and out of their seats with a twenty-yard volley that just barely misses the upper left corner. Close!

40th minute – A poorly hit forward pass somehow finds its way through two Brown players and sends Duke’s All-American forward Mike Grella scampering through on goal. He beats goalkeeper Jarrett Leech with a delicate chip, but the ball rolls wide of the goal.

HALFTIME – Coach Noonan congratulates the team on their near-perfect execution of the game plan—they conceded just two scoring chances in the first half, and created several opportunities for themselves. Keep it up in the second half, boys!

48th minute – After dominating Duke’s 6’5” forward in the air throughout the first half, Super Rhett Bernstein ’08 goes in on a 50-50 ball with a Duke player. The ball takes a favorable Duke bounce, leaving Mike Grella free to run at the Brown goal. He fakes a shot, cuts it to his left foot, and buries the ball into the lower left corner of the net. 2-0 Duke.

49th minute – Brown immediately switches to a more offensive 4-4-2 formation, inserting Laurent Manuel ’08 as an offensive right back.

50th -75th minutes – Brown dominates the Blue Devils, stringing together pass after pass after pass. Andrew Daniels skins a player down the right wing and crosses a dangerous ball across the face of goal, where it is fired just wide, Dylan Sheehan ’09 and Nick Elenz-Martin nearly combine for a goal, Brian Joyce battles and scraps with great success in midfield, and several Brown free kicks result in dangerous balls in the Duke box. But nothing will go in.

76th minute – Like a veteran team, the Blue Devils begin to slow down the pace of the game, taking their time on throw-ins and making numerous substitutions. They also regain possession of the ball for long stretches of time, further frustrating the Brown players and their anxious fans.

88th minute – Brown musters a few final forays forward, but still cannot break down Duke’s defense.

90th minute – The clock counts down to zero, ending the game and closing the books on the 2006 Brown Men’s Soccer season. Summing up the general sentiment of the team, Kevin Davies ’08 remarks, “The most frustrating thing was that they weren’t even that dominant!” In their traditional team huddle, senior Ian Premo tells the younger players to remember this feeling for future motivation, and then reminds the older players that it isn’t really about the wins or losses, it’s about the experience and the relationships that will last a lifetime.

Final Score: Brown 0, Duke 2
Overall Record: 11-5-3

Next Match: September, 2007

NCAA Tournament: Brown 4, Adelphi 1

2006-11-13T13:30:00.000-05:00

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team defeated Adelphi 4-1 in the first round of the NCAA Tournament this weekend, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon at Stevenson Field. The hero of the day was Andrew Daniels ’07 who scored a hat trick—all with his head—to become the leading goal scorer in the NCAA Tournament thus far. Nick Elenz-Martin ‘10 also scored for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech played the majority of the game in goal. Brown now travels to play the #1 seeded Duke Blue Devils on Wednesday evening in the second round of the tournament.*

* Brown is 1-0 against Duke in the NCAA tournament since 2000 and are looking to improve on this record.

Now, here is your post-game report:

An hour before kickoff – Several families and a contingent of Brown students fire up their grills in the parking lot and enjoy some rock ‘n roll and a few “college sodas.”

Introductions – There are eleven players lined up from left to right. One is wearing a black uniform and ten are wearing yellow and black uniforms, reminiscent of my first travel soccer team in 1988, the Traverse City Hawks. Among this group, there are three Defenders, five Midfielders, two Forwards, and one Goalkeeper, some of whom appear slightly out of shape. There are nine Undergraduate students and two Graduate students, one Jamaican, one Brazilian, one Englishman, one Irishman, one Cypressian and six Americans. Applying the following rules, see if you can line up these Adelphi players from left to right:

- Every Defender must be next to at least one other Defender

- No Forward may be to the right of any Midfielder, and no Defender may be to the left of any Midfielder

- Every foreign player must have an American immediately to his right and immediately to his left

- Exactly one forward, two midfielders, and two defenders are foreigners

- From left to right, the foreign players appear in the same order in which their countries appear on a world map, from west to east

-The goalkeeper, who appears to be thirty years-old, is wearing a black jersey and is on one end

Kickoff – With NCAA Tournament banners lining the sidelines and fans streaming into the bleachers, the Bears come out flying. They immediately put Adelphi under pressure and maintain possession of the ball deep in the Panthers’ end.

12^th minute – Left midfielder Chris Roland ’10 streaks down the left wing and whips in a beautiful cross that finds striker Andrew Daniels ’07 sprinting through the middle. Without breaking stride, Daniels redirects the ball with his head low to the far post. Again without breaking stride, Daniels curls to his left, toward the student section to celebrate. 1-0 Brown.

13^th minute – Daniels releases a wicked right-footed side volley from eighteen yards that the Adelphi goalkeeper manages to push over the bar.

14^th minute –Brian Joyce ’07 bends a corner kick to the far post, where Ben Brackett ’07 calls off his center back partner, Rhett Bernstein ’09 (keep in mind that convincing Bernstein to NOT head the ball is quite an accomplishment). Brackett heads the ball across the face of goal, where it is knocked down, bounces around like popcorn, and is knocked into the net by Nick Elenz-Martin. 2-0 Brown.

15^th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 curls in another corner kick, this time to the near post. Daniels leaps high and places a tight-angled header across the goalmouth and into the far side netting. Coach Noonan looks down the bench and remarks, “Well, we didn’t count on this happening. What do we do now?” 3-0 Brown.

16^th minute – Brown answers Coach Noonan’s rhetorical question by maintaining possession of the ball for long stretches of time and dominating their opponent.

20^th minute – With a rout seemingly underway, Brown hecklers begin to get even more vocal. As Chris Roland ’10 beats his man with a sharp cut to the inside, fans chant “He’s a freshman! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).”

Best Signs: “Andrew Daniels is chiseled from marble.” “Ben Brackett is a golden god.” “What’s Adelphi?”

35^th minute – Adelphi battle back and create a handful of scoring opportunities late in the first half.

Halftime – Coach Noonan congratulates the team on “the best start I’ve seen in my twelve years at Brown” but reminds the team they must keep the level high in the second half.

55^th minute – Brown performs some beautiful combination play, releasing Laurent Manuel ’08 down the right wing. On a near-breakaway, Manuel plays the ball across the face of the goal to a wide open Chris Roland ’10. In a play that he might never live down, Roland elects not to drive the ball first-time into the open net, but rather traps it, lets the goalie get back into position, and passes it slowly into his hands.

61^st minute – Ian Premo ’07 collects the ball on the right wing, beats his man to the inside with a step-over move and serves the ball with his left foot. It lands perfectly on the head of Daniels, who powers a header off the crossbar before collecting his own rebound and casually knocking it into the net. Then, he does what any player would do after scoring a hat trick in the NCAA Tournament—a cartwheel. 4-0 Brown.

71^st minute – Adelphi steals back a goal off a corner kick and loose ball scramble.

90^th minute – The final whistle sounds and Brown players salute their fans, who have been treated to quite a crowd-pleaser. After a shower and a press conference, they enjoy some post-game food with their parents, courtesy of the indefatigable Paul Granger, and begin to prepare for Duke.

Final Score: Brown 4, Adelphi 1
Next Match: Wednesday, November 13 @ #1 seeded Duke, 7 p.m.

Brown 0, Yale 1

2006-11-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

For sixty minutes, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team looked lethargic, and they fell behind by a goal to Ivy rivals Yale. Then, for thirty minutes, the Bears came to life and dominated their opponents, only to see chance after chance fail to score. The result was a 1-0 loss at home on senior day, a loss that ended the Bears’ regular season with a 10-4-3 record, 3-2-2 in the Ivy League. They now eagerly await the NCAA Tournament selection show, scheduled for 4 p.m. today.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Up –Instead of the usual warm-up CD, the teams stretch to the sounds of a Fox Soccer Channel broadcaster doing the same take approximately sixteen times. “Today we travel to Providence, Rhode Island to check out some Ivy League action….CUT. Run it again, Bill, I screwed that one up.”

Kickoff – The stands fill with Brown students donning their new “Beat Yale” t-shirts, over heavy sweatshirts and winter coats. As the stands fill, the temperature continues to fall, and alumni gather inside the heated Brown Sports Foundation tent, next to the field.

1^st minute – Before a large crowd and a national television audience, both teams come out looking a bit nervous, and they move the ball quickly from side to side. Some aggressive early defending leads to several fouls.

4^th minute – As the game settles down, Brown players grow confused and think that “out of bounds” is actually a player on their team, and they pass him the ball repeatedly.

17^th minute – In one of just two first-half scoring chances, the Bears run a set piece that finds Ben Brackett ’07 at the back post. His first-time right foot volley off a chipped ball flies hard into the outside of the net.

43^rd minute – A Yale player breaks down the left wing and curls the ball into the middle, where it finds a streaking Yale forward. The player’s header flies into the upper left corner of the net, off the fingertips of sprawling Brown goalkeeper Jarrett Leech ’09. The player sprints to his bench and performs one of the most, um, upsetting celebrations in Ivy League soccer history. Picture this: A grown man in a soccer uniform gyrating like a belly dancer with flaccid tentacles, and then falling to the ground. Seriously. 1-0 Yale.

45^th minute – After witnessing forty-five minutes of (mainly) turnovers, missed passes, and fouls, the national television audience heads to the bathroom and shoves a finger down its collective throat.

46^th minute –Brown picks it up in the second half.

57^th minute – On the right wing, Ian Premo ’07 beats a player with a clever step-over and curls in a perfect cross, only to see it punched away by the keeper.

66^th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 serves in a beautiful corner and Rhett Bernstein ’09 who, as he always does, leaps high and wins the header. With the keeper out of position and a wide open goal, Bernstein smashes it just inches over the crossbar.

72^nd minute – Andrew Daniels’07 turns a defender near the end-line and serves in a laser. Dylan Sheehan ’09 heads just wide of the left post.

78^th minute – Daniels beats two players down the right flank and crosses the ball into the middle. This time, it is knocked down among a crowd of players, where Steve Sawyer finds himself seated on a Sit-n’-Spin®. Turning the wheel of his large plastic toy, he rotates his body to the left and hits a seated volley from point blank range, only to see it saved by the keeper.

88^th minute – Daniels beats yet another player and serves yet another ball into the box. This time, Sheehan flicks it behind his left leg toward the lower left corner of the net. Attempting to help the ball into the net, Jamie Granger ’06.5 accidentally pushes it into the goalie, and the ball somehow manages to stay out of the goal.

90^th minute – The final whistle blows, and the Bears applaud the large contingent of fans who braved the cold to support their seniors and their team. Showing an even steelier perseverance, Brown parents attend a post-game reception in the now sub-zero temperatures, held next to the field. Coach Noonan acknowledges and congratulates the seniors on a fine career at Brown, and tells them (and everyone else) that it isn’t over yet. It’s time to get ready for the selection show on Monday.

Final Score: Brown 0, Yale 1

Overall Record: 10-4-3
Ivy Record: 3-2-2
Next Match: ? ? ? (Selection show on Monday, November 6th at 4 p.m.)

Brown 0, Penn 0

2006-10-29T23:15:00.000-05:00

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team battled Penn to a 0-0 draw on Saturday night in a game that is now known as Wind Bowl 2006. With gusts reaching up to fifty miles per hour and blowing directly downfield, the Bears and Quakers took turns dominating the game but failing to score. Led by Ben Brackett ’06, Brown’s defense turned in a solid all around performance, and Jarrett Leech 09 made several key saves to preserve the shutout. The Bears move to 3-1-2 in the Ivy League (3^rd place) and 10-3-3 overall. They return to action on Friday, November 3^rd when they host Yale at Stevenson Field in their final regular season contest. The game will be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

Now, here is your post-game report:

3:32 a.m. – As the team enters Phase III of R.E.M atop the ridiculously comfortable mattress pads of the Downtown Marriott, a fire alarm goes off. Instead of a buzzer, this particular alarm is a digital voice that repeats at high volume, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please remain in your rooms while our emergency team investigates. Attention…” Or, to paraphrase, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please stay in your bed while flames slowly consume you.” While most players follow the voice’s instructions and stay in bed (or sleep through the alarm entirely), Thomas Thunnel ’10 decides he can take no chances. He sprints out of his room in a confused stupor, wearing only his boxer shorts and a pair of socks. Unable to find the nearest set of stairs, he follows another hotel guest and her children into the elevator, thereby breaking the cardinal rule of fire emergencies AND creating a slightly awkward elevator moment. Arriving safely in the lobby, he encounters a similarly disrobed Mike Noonan, creating yet another awkward moment. Several minutes later, the disheveled duo hear the digital voice announce that the alarm was indeed a false one, and they return to their rooms, prepared to deny that the above events ever occurred.

Warm-Ups – A monsoon hits Rhodes Field.

National Anthem – Camerawoman extraordinaire Wesley Royce ‘08 ascends into the stratosphere on Penn’s accordion lifter, wherere winds and temperatures reach Everest-like levels. Spending the next two hours in these incredibly inhumane conditions, she bonds with Penn’s manager, a fellow extreme videographer.

20 seconds – Playing against the wind, Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 collects the ball and slips a perfect through pass to Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton sprints in on a breakaway and beats the goalkeeper, only to see his effort cleared off the line by a Penn defender.

3^rd minute –Penn’s student section decides to get predictably uncreative and chants left defender Steve Sawyer’s (a.k.a. the closest player’s) name. More distracting than the heckling, however, is the fact that two participating students are dressed as Ketchup and Mustard. (Halloween, we presume, but one never knows.) Sawyer tries hard to maintain his focus.

4^th – 44^th minutes – Brown spends the rest of the half in its own end, unable to kick the ball beyond midfield. The back four block several attempted shots and keep the score knotted at zero.

45^th minute – The halftime whistle blows, and Brown emits a collective sigh of relief. They have weathered the storm—quite literally.

46^th minute – Brown gets the wind. Surprisingly, a Penn player scampers down the right wing and rips a left footed shot that is headed toward the lower right corner. Jarrett Leech dives and makes a picture perfect save with his left hand, pushing the ball wide of the post. On the ensuing corner, Leech makes another dramatic reaction save.

47^th – 70^th minute – Brown takes over, and Penn is now the team that is unable to get the ball beyond midfield. Jamie Granger 06.5 has a shot saved from point blank range, Darren Howerton ’09 sees a chip nabbed by the keeper, Kevin Davies ’08 nearly draws a penalty kick, and Ben Brackett ’07 heads just over the bar.

71^st minute – A Penn player breaks through the Brown defense and clatters a shot off the left post. Close!!

78^th minute – Cheered on by his coaching staff (“Press! Press!”) Jamie Granger ’06.5 disproves the age old belief that “The ball can move faster than the player.” Like a classic youth soccer rover, Granger chases the ball from the right back to the center back to the left back, where he strips it from the defender and sprints toward the goal on a semi-breakaway. He passes the ball to his right, where it eludes his striker partner and rolls harmlessly out of play, thereby preventing what would have been assistant coach Anders Kelto’s favorite goal in Brown Soccer history.

OT – Steve Sawyer takes off on a never-before-seen Arjen Robben-esque run up the left flank. He beats one defender, then (amazingly) another, then (unbelievably) a third, and finds himself in totally unfamiliar territory. Never having been confronted with this situation before, Sawyer attempts to pass the ball to a teammate but ends up giving it away. Next time go all the way, Stevie! Despite the turnover, the play earns Sawyer assistant coach Anders Kelto’s highly prized “Play of the Day” honors.

110^th minute – The final whistle blows and Ketchup, Mustard, and the rest of the Penn fans wobble toward their cars. Brown parents congregate in the parking lot, where they endure hurricane like winds for a few precious moments with their sons. And, of course, some delicious turkey sandwiches.

Final Score: Brown 0, Penn 0

Overall Record: 10-3-3
Ivy Record: 3-1-2
Next Match: Friday, November 3^rd, 7:30 p.m. vs. Yale. Game to be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

“FOX Soccer Channel, Fair and Balanced.” - Brown Announcer Chris Wall

Brown 3, Colgate 1

2006-10-25T19:14:00.000-04:00

The Brown Men’s Soccer team extended its new unbeaten streak to three games with a win over out-of-state, non-rivals Colgate. Jamie Granger ’06.5, Brian Joyce ’07 and Rhett Bernstein ’09 scored for the Bears (or were credited with scoring), while Jarrett Leech ’09 and David Semenza ’07 split time in goal. With the win, the Bears improve to 10-3-2 overall. They return to action on Saturday night at Penn in an all-but-must-win Ivy League match.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Tuesday Training – Rhett Bernstein ends practice by saying, “Come on, guys. Let’s beat toothpaste.”

Warm-Up –The lights mysteriously go dead, prompting assistant coach Ken Murphy to recollect his recruiting trip to Brown in the late 1970s, when the lights similarly went dead…during a UConn player’s breakaway! Authorities are still investigating the causes of both outages.

Warm-Up II – The lighting issue resolved, Brown takes the field before a super-charged, raucous crowd of one recruit and Mike Rubin ‘01. Eventually, about a hundred and fifty fans do find their way to the chilly midweek fixture.

3^rd minute – Andrew Daniels ’07 flicks the ball to Jamie Granger ’06.5 deep in the Colgate box. Sandwiched by two defenders, Granger a) somehow chips the ball up with his left heel and hits a spinning, 360 degree side volley with his right foot, connecting with such force that the ball literally tears a hole in the net, or b) attempts to trap the ball, misplays it off his instep and watches in rapt awe as it trickles by the Colgate keeper, immediately being dubbed the slowest….goal….ever. Choose your own adventure. 1-0 Brown.

15^th minute – Diving after a loose ball, the Colgate keeper goes down hard and separates his shoulder. Colgate’s other keeper, who missed an NCAA record earlier this year by just three minutes by going over 900 consecutive minutes without conceding a goal, enters the game.

24^th minute – As Colgate moves the ball around its own end, Brown steps to pressure. Sensing an errant pass, Brian Joyce ’07 charges forward and goes in hard on a fifty-fifty tackle. Joyce charges toward goal with a path of destruction behind him, like an advancing tornado. As the keeper cuts down the angle, he curls the ball calmly and powerfully to the far post. 2-0 Brown.

33^rd minute – Colgate, which boasted a 7-2-5 record and #24 national ranking, sticks with its long ball strategy. A ball launched over the top lands in a dangerous area, and a Colgate player first-times it into the goalmouth. An advancing forward smacks it off the post before collecting his own rebound and volleying the ball into the open net. 2-1 Brown.

37^th minute – For the second consecutive game, Darren Howerton ’09 puts his space-aged super polymer, ultra-grip gloves to use, launching a perfect flip-throw into the goal mouth. Rhett Bernstein ’09 a) takes the ball off his chest, pops it over three defenders, and hits a torpedo-like diving header into the far upper corner, or b) misses his attempted header, sees the ball glance off his arm, then off a defender, and into the goal. Again, you be the judge. 3-1 Brown.

Second Half – Brown puts together arguably its most dominant performance in the last three games. They do not score, but they control play completely and create several good scoring chances. All in all, they look confident and ready to take on Penn this weekend.

Final Score: Brown 3, Colgate 1

Overall Record: 10-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 28^th @ UPenn, 7 pm

Brown 2, Cornell 0

2006-10-25T12:50:00.000-04:00

The Brown Men’s Soccer team got back on the winning track with a 2-0 victory over Cornell on Saturday evening. The Bears received first half goals from Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 and Andrew Daniels ’07, but the real story of the match was goalkeeper Jarrett Leech ’09, who turned in one of the finest goalkeeping displays of the season. With the win, the Bears move to 3-1-1 in the Ivy League, good for third behind Penn and Harvard. The Bears take on Colgate on Tuesday night before heading to Penn on Saturday, in what is virtually a must-win Ivy game.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Ups – Darren Howerton ’09 shows off his new pair of ultra-sticky, poly-methy-something gloves, explaining how they make his patented “flip throw” much easier to perform in the cold weather. (Perhaps he borrowed some mysterious brown goo from Kenny Rogers as well?)

4th minute – Ian Premo ’07 whips in a ball from the right wing. Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 does well to control it with his first touch, wheels to his right, and hits a slightly off-balance left-footed shot on goal. The ball rolls, um, rather slowly into, quite frankly, the middle of the goal. Alright, maybe it was a little to the right of the middle, but it certainly wasn’t in the corner. Sorry, Nick—not gonna candy coat this one. 1-0 Brown.

18th minute – A Cornell player breaks free of the Brown defense, only to see his breakaway, and then his rebound, and then another shot saved by Leech.

29th minute – Brown is awarded a throw-in deep in Cornell territory. Howerton saunters over to take it, grips the ball with his space-aged cyber gloves, does a hand spring, and launches the orbital deep into space, much to the delight of the crowd (“Oh my…. Whoooooo-hoooooo!!!!!”) The ball is flicked on at the back post where Andrew Daniels ’07 performs an acrobatic side-volley, smashing the ball perfectly into the net. He celebrates with a bizarre, trunk-twisting robot walk, or was it just a bad salsa dance? In any event, the score is 2-0 Brown.

37th minute – Daniels splits two defenders and is fouled in the process. As the referee waves for play to continue, Daniels remains down on the ground for several moments, holding his knee. Oblivious to his injury, his teammates play on, stringing together several nice passes as Daniels tosses and turns in pain. Eventually, Daniels rises to his feet and limps forward as Ian Premo ’07 crosses the ball in from the wing. As if scripted, the ball falls directly into Daniels’ path and the suddenly healed striker hits a first-time shot on goal that the keeper parries away. The crowd erupts in oohs, aahs and laughter.

52nd minute – On the sideline, a ball boy accidentally collides with injured Brown captain Matt Britner, smashing into his recently surgically repaired right knee. Britner lets out a primeval roar that causes every living creature within a three mile radius to pause and stare at him in bewilderment. He limps away gingerly, doing his best to bite his tongue.

57th minute – Leech acrobatically deflects a 20-yard effort over the bar.

68th minute – Leech pulls off another double breakaway save.

77th minute – Leech pulls off yet another spectacular save, and head coach Mike Noonan notes that he should consider signing Leech to a long-term professional contract, if possible.

90th minute – The final whistle blows. Brown emerges victorious and begins a new winning streak.

Final Score: Brown 2, Cornell 0

Overall Record: 9-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Tuesday, October 24 vs. Colgate

Brown 3, URI 3

2006-10-25T12:49:00.000-04:00

On a wet and wild Wednesday, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team played in-state rivals URI to a 3-3 tie at the URI Soccer Complex. In front of a small but boisterous crowd, Brown came from behind twice and eventually built a 3-2 lead before conceding a late equalizer and settling for a draw. Andrew Daniels ’07, Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Chris Roland ’10 tallied goals for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the tie in goal.

Now, here is your (belated…sorry, I’m really busy!!) post-game report:

Before the game: The boys catch the last twenty minutes of the Brown vs. URI Women’s game and witness a dominant display of offense by Kathryn Moos ’07 and Lindsay Cunningham ’09. Brown eventually wins 4-2, improving to 9-3-3 overall. ‘Sgo Bears!!!

Warm-Up: Before a spectacular sunset that Ian Premo ’07 describes quite artfully as “sick,” the brisk, chilly weather arrives. As temperatures hit a critical point, a dense fog begins to rise up from the turf, prompting Brian Joyce ‘07 to ask where the smoke machine is stationed. Given URI’s techno/house/trans warm-up CD, it seems a less-than-outrageous question.

Kickoff – Brown gives the ball directly to a URI forward. URI begins a long period of territorial domination and forces Jarrett Leech into several difficult saves.

37th minute – So there’s a Canadian, a South African and a Polack playing soccer against a group of Americans. The Canadian gets the ball and says, “I don’t like Americans because they make too many Canadian jokes, but I’m way too polite to score,” so he passes the ball to the South African. The South African says, “I don’t like Americans either because of the CIA’s involvement with Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment, but I’m afraid that if I score too many goals I’m afraid I’ll mysteriously disappear or something,” so he passes the ball to the Polack. The Polack says, “I don’t like nets,” and kicks the ball as hard as he can into the Brown net. 1-0 URI.*

* This joke is in no way meant to demean Polish people or Polish-Americans, or to imply that people of Polish descent are intellectually inferior in any way. Except, of course, former Brown Assistant Coach Scott Wiercinski, who the Brown staff still takes great pleasure in deriding.

51st minute –Running down a thru ball from Brian Joyce ‘07, Andrew Daniels ‘07 releases a long shot that catches everyone in the stadium—including the URI goalkeeper—off guard. The keeper slips and slides as he scrambles to his right, but cannot reach the ball as it bounces tantalizingly off the inside of the post. 1-1 tie.

55thth minute – Ben Brackett ’07 leaps to head clear a ball at the top of the box. He appears to catch an elbow in the (well-conditioned) chops, and the ball falls behind the Brown defense. URI’s right winger scampers in, collects it, and slots it home. 2-1 URI.

61st minute – Brian Joyce ’07 curls in a perfect corner kick to Rhett Bernstein ’09 who leaps high and nods in his team-leading seventh goal of the year. Amazingly, six of his goals have come on headers. In fact, Brown fans are now shocked whenever Bernstein does NOT score on a header. 2-2 tie.

63rd minute – Just two minutes later, a Brown corner kick is knocked down and bobbled around by several players. Brown’s Chris Roland ’10 eventually cuts it to his left foot and hammers a shot from 18 yards out, at the top of the box. The ball takes a deflection off a URI defender and wrong-foots the keeper as it flies into the goal. 3-2 Brown.

78th minute – A URI forward slips through the Brown backline and receives a perfect thru ball. He touches it by advancing Brown keeper Jarrett Leech ’09 and calmly passes it into the goal, as the URI fans celebrate wildly. 3-3 tie.

After the game – The Brown and URI players, many of whom played together this summer, suggest trading jerseys but then realize that they would have to play the remainder of the season without their jerseys. Maybe when you’re pros, boys!

Final Score: Brown 3, URI 3

Overall Record: 8-3-2
Ivy Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 21st vs. Cornell

Brown 2, Harvard 6

2006-10-17T00:29:00.000-04:00

Pigs flew, Hell froze over, and the Brown Men’s Soccer team got pummeled by Harvard on Saturday afternoon. It was a bizarre game that saw the Crimson score six unanswered goals, as the Bears controlled possession and had a territorial advantage for much of the game. Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Jamie Granger ’06.5 scored for Brown, who fall to 2-1-1 in the Ivy League and 8-3-1 overall. After some PTSD therapy, the Bears return to action on Wednesday at URI. Kickoff is set for 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Pre-game – During warm-ups, academic liaison Bobby Kenneally’s nine year-old son Matthew sets an NCAA record for total number of balls collected and total distance covered by a nine year-old — 1,784 balls and 23.7 miles, respectively. Assistant coach Anders Kelto notes that Brown needs to work on their shooting accuracy.

15th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 smacks a volley on goal, only to see it punched over the crossbar by the Harvard keeper. Joyce takes the ensuing corner, and a rugby-like scrum sees several Brown players unable to score. Sensing a moment of distress, Super Rhett Bernstein dives into a nearby phone booth and emerges to knock home his team-leading sixth goal of the year. 1-0 Brown.

(Editor’s Note: So as to relive Brown’s complete defensive meltdown as little as possible, as few words as possible will be used to describe it.)

22nd minute – A bad touch, a lost mark, a shot from 18 yards...1-1 tie.

30th minute – A pocket picked, a forging run, a low cross...2-1 Harvard.

48th minute – A poor clearance, a far-post cross, a free header...3-1.

55th minute – A miscommunication, a hesitation, a tap-in...4-1.

63rd minute – A pass, a pass, a pass, a shot sneaks through the keeper...5-1.

77th minute – A 40-yard run, 3 beaten defenders, two wide open players, and a partridge in a pear tree. 6-1.

84th minute – Brown salvages a small amount of pride. Laurent Manuel ’08 beats a defender at the top of the box and slips the ball wide to Jamie Granger ’06.5. Granger crosses the ball low and across the face of the goal, where it ricochets and finds its way into the net. Final score: 6-2.

After the game – Brown fans leave the stadium scratching their heads and wondering what in the name of Cliff Stevenson just happened. The Brown coaching staff retreats to their inner chambers to find answers to this question.

Overall Record: 8-3-1
Ivy League Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Wednesday, October 18th @URI, 7:00 pm

On The Road

2006-10-09T15:47:00.000-04:00

For those of you who are wondering what is going on with the post-game emails (as in, why the heck haven't I been receiving any?), you should know that I have been on the road for the admission office for the past two weeks, beating the drum and preaching "the gospel of Brown" to high school kids across the Midwest. This is part of my larger quest to fill Brown with more wholesome, Midwstern kids. I will return to Brown on Thursday, October 12th and will provide my usual summaries from that point forward.

-Anders

Brown 1, Dartmouth 1

2006-09-24T20:20:00.000-04:00

In a spirited, high-stakes game on Saturday afternoon, the Brown Men’s Soccer team battled hard and finished with a 1-1 tie against perennial Ivy League rival Dartmouth. After falling behind 1-0 on, quite honestly, one the best goals I have ever seen, the Bears fought back to tie the game through Dylan Sheehan ’09. The Bears then dominated the rest of the game and were unlucky not to finish with a victory. Jarrett Leech ‘09 made several big saves and earned the tie in goal. The Bears move to 5-1-1 overall and 0-0-1 in the Ivies, and continue their season on Saturday when they host Columbia at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Friday Practice – Working on a total of three hours of sleep (for the week), Coach Noonan assesses the quality of practice and deems it unacceptable. He proceeds to inform several players of their shortcomings, actually causing a nearby intramural soccer game to stop and observe his diatribe, their jaws dropped. One observer actually scribbles down some words and later looks them up in the dictionary. The bus, scheduled to depart at 5:30 pm, hits the road at 6:49 pm, owing to an extended practice and impromptu film session.

Saturday – The players choke down an 8:30 a.m. breakfast—the earliest any of them have ingested food this semester—and sit through another hour-long film session.

Warm-Ups – Excited to finally be playing soccer rather than watching it, the team strings together what must be the longest passing sequence (37?) in Brown soccer warm-up history.

1st minute – As fans file into the bleachers and fill the sidelines, Dartmouth comes out full of energy. They immediately put Brown under pressure.

7th minute – A Dartmouth player has a wide-open header at the far post but just misses.

18th minute – Another Dartmouth player powers a shot into the box from a hard angle, but Jarrett Leech successfully swats it away.

22nd minute – Yet another Dartmouth player puts a low free kick on goal from 25 yards out, but Leech dives to his right and smothers it.

27th minute – As the action picks up, a group of Dartmouth fans let Andrew Daniels ’07 know what they think of him as a soccer player and as a human being. A brief “acknowledgement” of their comments by Daniels gets their blood boiling even more. Later on, they turn their attention to Jeff Hay ’10 and his mother who, ironically, is sitting among them. At several points, Mrs. Hay wonders if she should tap them on the shoulder and clarify some of their misconceptions about her younger years, but chooses not to.

Half-time – Having successfully weathered the storm, the Bears regroup. They begin the second half looking like a new team.

60th minute – Against the run of play, a Dartmouth player breaks down the wing, beats his defender, and whips in a beautiful cross. The ball behind him, a Dartmouth midfielder attempts an outrageous bicycle kick normally reserved for FIFA ’99 on Play Station 2. Twisting to his left as the ball comes in from his right, he somehow makes perfect contact and buries it into the upper left corner of the goal. It is, quite simply, an outrageous strike.

61st minute – Claiming (perhaps fairly) that the goal was a dangerous play, Coach Noonan charges onto the field and begins screaming at the official. He advances ten, twenty, thirty yards out, and has a face-to-face confrontation with the referee. As the Dartmouth coach shouts for Noonan’s ejection, the referee considers tossing him like a good major league umpire would, but instead brushes Noonan away with a verbal caution and puts the ball in the center circle, to the delight of the eight hundred Dartmouth fans. 1-0 Dartmouth.

64th minute – Brown responds immediately. Brian Joyce ’07 collects the ball at the left corner of the box, puts it onto his right foot, and serves a beautiful ball into the box. Dylan Sheehan ’09 finds himself wide open and perfectly heads the ball into the upper left corner of the net. He looks over his shoulder to make sure the offside flag is not up and celebrates by crouching low and, it appears, holding an invisible bowling ball low to the ground. Later asked about the celebration, Sheehan remarks, “I don’t know what it was. I was just surprised that I scored.” 1-1 tie.

68th minute – On a low cross, two Brown players collide, preventing each other from scoring an easy tap-in.

72nd minute - A goalmouth scramble with a wall of Dartmouth defenders sees three different Brown players unable to tap the ball in from literally a yard out. After holding his breath for a full minute while witnessing this AYSO U-8 scrimmage, assistant Coach Ken Murphy notes that the team should probably play some World Cup at practice this week.

78th minute – A Dartmouth player breaks down the right sideline but pushes the ball too far ahead of him. In one of the more comical plays this reporter has ever witnessed, Rhett Bernstein ’09 comes charging in and attempts to send a message to the Dartmouth player. His hard, studs-up tackle misses the Dartmouth player completely, but makes perfect contact with the referee’s assistant. The unsuspecting official goes down hard, by which I mean HARD, and tosses his flag approximately ten yards downfield. He gets up, adjusts his socks, and takes the ensuing free kick.

85th minute – Bernstein lines up a free kick from 25 yards out and spots a wide open Ian Premo ’07 to his right. Premo collects the pass and rips a shot from fifteen yards that the keeper somehow parries away.

90th minute – As time winds down (and a sixth Dartmouth player cramps up) Brian Joyce performs two successful tackle-dribbles up the left sideline and plays a perfect thru ball to Nick Elenz-Martin ’10. As Elenz-Martin charges toward goal on a breakaway, he is caught by the only player on the field who could catch him in the 3-mile run—Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton takes the ball off of his teammate and sprints toward goal. Brown fans prepare for yet another last-second victory, but Howerton’s shot sails high and wide.

OT – Brown continues to dominate, but misses several more chances.

110th minute – The final whistle blows, the teams shake hands to show their mutual respect, and both sets of fans applaud the tremendous match they have just witnessed.

Final Score: Brown 1, Dartmouth 1
Overall Record: 5-1-1
Ivy Record: 0-0-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 30 vs. Columbia, 7 pm

Brown 2, Hartwick 1

2006-09-21T00:21:00.000-04:00

It was Deja BU for the Brown Men’s Soccer team last night as they came from behind to defeat Hartwick on a rain-soaked evening, on a last-minute goal, just like they did against BU. The star of the show this time was Rhett Bernstein ’09, who scored both goals and nearly scored two more. Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the victory in net, notching several key saves. With the win, the Bears move to 5-1 overall. They return to action on Saturday, when they travel to Dartmouth to open the Ivy League season. Kickoff is set for 3 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report.

Warm-Ups: On a surprisingly warm, sticky night, the Bears look sharp and confident as they prepare for the match. Ah, how deceiving warm-ups can be.

1^st minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

5^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

7^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

10^th minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

15^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

17^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

20^th minute – Dribble, dive, dive, dribble, dive, dive, dive, dribble, dribble, dive, dribble dribble, dribble, dive, save Leech.

21^st minute - Assistant Coach and former commodities broker Ken Murphy makes a market of 23-17 in favor of diving in (over dribbling), asking if there are any takers. There are none.

36^th minute –Hartwick crosses the ball and easily knocks it into the Brown goal. 1-0 Hartwick.

40^th minute – His blood pressure, nerves, and heartburn climaxing simultaneously, Coach Noonan slams his open palm into the hard metal bench, fracturing at least one phalange. The shock wave travels through the backs of the assistant coaches, who begin scribbling notes frantically and clapping, and down to the players, who leap to their feet and immediately begin cheering for their teammates.

HALFTIME – Exasperated, Coach Noonan asks Assistant Coach Anders Kelto to tell the team what is wrong. Kelto steps forward and, in one of the more moving, impassioned speeches in sports history, remarks, “I think you guys are dribbling too much. You should pass the ball more.”

58^th minute – A Hartwick defender attempts to stomp a divot back into the ground with both cleats, only the divot is actually Brown midfielder Ian Premo ‘07. Brian Joyce ’07 whips the ensuing free kick into the box, where it is met by the head of Rhett Bernstein ‘09. Leaping away from goal and sixteen yards out, Bernstein somehow powers a header on frame. It hovers to the right and glances off the post, past the scrambling Hartwick keeper and into the net. Then, like an alpha male warning off would-be challengers, Bernstein grunts and runs past the opposing team’s bench, staring them down and marking Stevenson Field territory as his own. 1-1 tie.

65^th minute – Andrew Daniels ‘07 beats his mark and runs toward goal. Badly beaten, the Hartwick defender pulls out a lasso, tosses it around Daniels’ neck, and saddles him up like a donkey. After mounting and riding him for eight seconds, the Hartwick player is eventually penalized, but given no yellow card.

66^th minute – Understandably excited by the thrill of a local rodeo, Bernstein steps up to take the ensuing free kick. With testosterone and self-belief flowing through his veins, he makes an outrageous attempt on goal from over 30 yards out. The knuckling, super-sonic shot slams into the crossbar minutes before the goalkeeper can react and blasts off into the stratosphere, eventually escaping earth’s gravitational pull and setting somewhere near Mir. Assistant Coach Ken Murphy looks down the bench and tells the boys to start collecting money to replace the ball.

72^nd minute – On a fifty-fifty challenge, Bernstein collides with an opposing player and takes a shot in the, er, how shall we say, Bernsteins. As he gingerly limps off the field looking slightly pale, he announces that he’ll be fine, he just needs a couple of minutes. Brown is immediately awarded a corner kick, whereupon Coach Noonan screams, “Rhett! Get back in there!!!” Looking as though he is squeezing an invisible medicine ball between his knees, Bernstein hobbles back onto the pitch and challenges for the header.

78^th minute – Brown is awarded another free kick and Bernstein somehow misses a wide-open header from six yards out, perhaps due to residual lower stomach pain

89^th minute - Darren Howerton ’09 dribbles from left to right across the field. Choosing not to pass to several wide-open players, he instead attempts an ill-advised chip with his right foot. The shot, which is actually the first shot he has ever taken with his right foot, catches the keeper off guard. Scrambling backward, the 'tender futilely pushes the ball off the crossbar, where it falls into the six yard box. Bernstein charges forward and, with his usual manimal strength, slides and knocks the ball into the net. Sending one final message to his territorial aggressors, Bernstein runs past their bench, this time sensing no more threat, and no need to stare.

Final Score: Brown 2, Hartwick 1

Overall Record: 5-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 23 @ Dartmouth, 3 p.m.

1:26 a.m. – Reviewing film of Dartmouth, Coach Noonan sends an email to Assistant Coach Anders Kelto. Surprised to see that Kelto is not also reviewing film of Dartmouth and checking email, Noonan sighs with disappointment, turns off his computer and goes to bed.