Brown 0, Penn 0

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team battled Penn to a 0-0 draw on Saturday night in a game that is now known as Wind Bowl 2006. With gusts reaching up to fifty miles per hour and blowing directly downfield, the Bears and Quakers took turns dominating the game but failing to score. Led by Ben Brackett ’06, Brown’s defense turned in a solid all around performance, and Jarrett Leech 09 made several key saves to preserve the shutout. The Bears move to 3-1-2 in the Ivy League (3^rd place) and 10-3-3 overall. They return to action on Friday, November 3^rd when they host Yale at Stevenson Field in their final regular season contest. The game will be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

Now, here is your post-game report:

3:32 a.m. – As the team enters Phase III of R.E.M atop the ridiculously comfortable mattress pads of the Downtown Marriott, a fire alarm goes off. Instead of a buzzer, this particular alarm is a digital voice that repeats at high volume, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please remain in your rooms while our emergency team investigates. Attention…” Or, to paraphrase, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please stay in your bed while flames slowly consume you.” While most players follow the voice’s instructions and stay in bed (or sleep through the alarm entirely), Thomas Thunnel ’10 decides he can take no chances. He sprints out of his room in a confused stupor, wearing only his boxer shorts and a pair of socks. Unable to find the nearest set of stairs, he follows another hotel guest and her children into the elevator, thereby breaking the cardinal rule of fire emergencies AND creating a slightly awkward elevator moment. Arriving safely in the lobby, he encounters a similarly disrobed Mike Noonan, creating yet another awkward moment. Several minutes later, the disheveled duo hear the digital voice announce that the alarm was indeed a false one, and they return to their rooms, prepared to deny that the above events ever occurred.

Warm-Ups – A monsoon hits Rhodes Field.

National Anthem – Camerawoman extraordinaire Wesley Royce ‘08 ascends into the stratosphere on Penn’s accordion lifter, wherere winds and temperatures reach Everest-like levels. Spending the next two hours in these incredibly inhumane conditions, she bonds with Penn’s manager, a fellow extreme videographer.

20 seconds – Playing against the wind, Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 collects the ball and slips a perfect through pass to Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton sprints in on a breakaway and beats the goalkeeper, only to see his effort cleared off the line by a Penn defender.

3^rd minute –Penn’s student section decides to get predictably uncreative and chants left defender Steve Sawyer’s (a.k.a. the closest player’s) name. More distracting than the heckling, however, is the fact that two participating students are dressed as Ketchup and Mustard. (Halloween, we presume, but one never knows.) Sawyer tries hard to maintain his focus.

4^th – 44^th minutes – Brown spends the rest of the half in its own end, unable to kick the ball beyond midfield. The back four block several attempted shots and keep the score knotted at zero.

45^th minute – The halftime whistle blows, and Brown emits a collective sigh of relief. They have weathered the storm—quite literally.

46^th minute – Brown gets the wind. Surprisingly, a Penn player scampers down the right wing and rips a left footed shot that is headed toward the lower right corner. Jarrett Leech dives and makes a picture perfect save with his left hand, pushing the ball wide of the post. On the ensuing corner, Leech makes another dramatic reaction save.

47^th – 70^th minute – Brown takes over, and Penn is now the team that is unable to get the ball beyond midfield. Jamie Granger 06.5 has a shot saved from point blank range, Darren Howerton ’09 sees a chip nabbed by the keeper, Kevin Davies ’08 nearly draws a penalty kick, and Ben Brackett ’07 heads just over the bar.

71^st minute – A Penn player breaks through the Brown defense and clatters a shot off the left post. Close!!

78^th minute – Cheered on by his coaching staff (“Press! Press!”) Jamie Granger ’06.5 disproves the age old belief that “The ball can move faster than the player.” Like a classic youth soccer rover, Granger chases the ball from the right back to the center back to the left back, where he strips it from the defender and sprints toward the goal on a semi-breakaway. He passes the ball to his right, where it eludes his striker partner and rolls harmlessly out of play, thereby preventing what would have been assistant coach Anders Kelto’s favorite goal in Brown Soccer history.

OT – Steve Sawyer takes off on a never-before-seen Arjen Robben-esque run up the left flank. He beats one defender, then (amazingly) another, then (unbelievably) a third, and finds himself in totally unfamiliar territory. Never having been confronted with this situation before, Sawyer attempts to pass the ball to a teammate but ends up giving it away. Next time go all the way, Stevie! Despite the turnover, the play earns Sawyer assistant coach Anders Kelto’s highly prized “Play of the Day” honors.

110^th minute – The final whistle blows and Ketchup, Mustard, and the rest of the Penn fans wobble toward their cars. Brown parents congregate in the parking lot, where they endure hurricane like winds for a few precious moments with their sons. And, of course, some delicious turkey sandwiches.

Final Score: Brown 0, Penn 0

Overall Record: 10-3-3
Ivy Record: 3-1-2
Next Match: Friday, November 3^rd, 7:30 p.m. vs. Yale. Game to be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

“FOX Soccer Channel, Fair and Balanced.” - Brown Announcer Chris Wall

Brown 3, Colgate 1

The Brown Men’s Soccer team extended its new unbeaten streak to three games with a win over out-of-state, non-rivals Colgate. Jamie Granger ’06.5, Brian Joyce ’07 and Rhett Bernstein ’09 scored for the Bears (or were credited with scoring), while Jarrett Leech ’09 and David Semenza ’07 split time in goal. With the win, the Bears improve to 10-3-2 overall. They return to action on Saturday night at Penn in an all-but-must-win Ivy League match.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Tuesday Training – Rhett Bernstein ends practice by saying, “Come on, guys. Let’s beat toothpaste.”

Warm-Up –The lights mysteriously go dead, prompting assistant coach Ken Murphy to recollect his recruiting trip to Brown in the late 1970s, when the lights similarly went dead…during a UConn player’s breakaway! Authorities are still investigating the causes of both outages.

Warm-Up II – The lighting issue resolved, Brown takes the field before a super-charged, raucous crowd of one recruit and Mike Rubin ‘01. Eventually, about a hundred and fifty fans do find their way to the chilly midweek fixture.

3^rd minute – Andrew Daniels ’07 flicks the ball to Jamie Granger ’06.5 deep in the Colgate box. Sandwiched by two defenders, Granger a) somehow chips the ball up with his left heel and hits a spinning, 360 degree side volley with his right foot, connecting with such force that the ball literally tears a hole in the net, or b) attempts to trap the ball, misplays it off his instep and watches in rapt awe as it trickles by the Colgate keeper, immediately being dubbed the slowest….goal….ever. Choose your own adventure. 1-0 Brown.

15^th minute – Diving after a loose ball, the Colgate keeper goes down hard and separates his shoulder. Colgate’s other keeper, who missed an NCAA record earlier this year by just three minutes by going over 900 consecutive minutes without conceding a goal, enters the game.

24^th minute – As Colgate moves the ball around its own end, Brown steps to pressure. Sensing an errant pass, Brian Joyce ’07 charges forward and goes in hard on a fifty-fifty tackle. Joyce charges toward goal with a path of destruction behind him, like an advancing tornado. As the keeper cuts down the angle, he curls the ball calmly and powerfully to the far post. 2-0 Brown.

33^rd minute – Colgate, which boasted a 7-2-5 record and #24 national ranking, sticks with its long ball strategy. A ball launched over the top lands in a dangerous area, and a Colgate player first-times it into the goalmouth. An advancing forward smacks it off the post before collecting his own rebound and volleying the ball into the open net. 2-1 Brown.

37^th minute – For the second consecutive game, Darren Howerton ’09 puts his space-aged super polymer, ultra-grip gloves to use, launching a perfect flip-throw into the goal mouth. Rhett Bernstein ’09 a) takes the ball off his chest, pops it over three defenders, and hits a torpedo-like diving header into the far upper corner, or b) misses his attempted header, sees the ball glance off his arm, then off a defender, and into the goal. Again, you be the judge. 3-1 Brown.

Second Half – Brown puts together arguably its most dominant performance in the last three games. They do not score, but they control play completely and create several good scoring chances. All in all, they look confident and ready to take on Penn this weekend.

Final Score: Brown 3, Colgate 1

Overall Record: 10-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 28^th @ UPenn, 7 pm

Brown 2, Cornell 0

The Brown Men’s Soccer team got back on the winning track with a 2-0 victory over Cornell on Saturday evening. The Bears received first half goals from Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 and Andrew Daniels ’07, but the real story of the match was goalkeeper Jarrett Leech ’09, who turned in one of the finest goalkeeping displays of the season. With the win, the Bears move to 3-1-1 in the Ivy League, good for third behind Penn and Harvard. The Bears take on Colgate on Tuesday night before heading to Penn on Saturday, in what is virtually a must-win Ivy game.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Ups – Darren Howerton ’09 shows off his new pair of ultra-sticky, poly-methy-something gloves, explaining how they make his patented “flip throw” much easier to perform in the cold weather. (Perhaps he borrowed some mysterious brown goo from Kenny Rogers as well?)

4th minute – Ian Premo ’07 whips in a ball from the right wing. Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 does well to control it with his first touch, wheels to his right, and hits a slightly off-balance left-footed shot on goal. The ball rolls, um, rather slowly into, quite frankly, the middle of the goal. Alright, maybe it was a little to the right of the middle, but it certainly wasn’t in the corner. Sorry, Nick—not gonna candy coat this one. 1-0 Brown.

18th minute – A Cornell player breaks free of the Brown defense, only to see his breakaway, and then his rebound, and then another shot saved by Leech.

29th minute – Brown is awarded a throw-in deep in Cornell territory. Howerton saunters over to take it, grips the ball with his space-aged cyber gloves, does a hand spring, and launches the orbital deep into space, much to the delight of the crowd (“Oh my…. Whoooooo-hoooooo!!!!!”) The ball is flicked on at the back post where Andrew Daniels ’07 performs an acrobatic side-volley, smashing the ball perfectly into the net. He celebrates with a bizarre, trunk-twisting robot walk, or was it just a bad salsa dance? In any event, the score is 2-0 Brown.

37th minute – Daniels splits two defenders and is fouled in the process. As the referee waves for play to continue, Daniels remains down on the ground for several moments, holding his knee. Oblivious to his injury, his teammates play on, stringing together several nice passes as Daniels tosses and turns in pain. Eventually, Daniels rises to his feet and limps forward as Ian Premo ’07 crosses the ball in from the wing. As if scripted, the ball falls directly into Daniels’ path and the suddenly healed striker hits a first-time shot on goal that the keeper parries away. The crowd erupts in oohs, aahs and laughter.

52nd minute – On the sideline, a ball boy accidentally collides with injured Brown captain Matt Britner, smashing into his recently surgically repaired right knee. Britner lets out a primeval roar that causes every living creature within a three mile radius to pause and stare at him in bewilderment. He limps away gingerly, doing his best to bite his tongue.

57th minute – Leech acrobatically deflects a 20-yard effort over the bar.

68th minute – Leech pulls off another double breakaway save.

77th minute – Leech pulls off yet another spectacular save, and head coach Mike Noonan notes that he should consider signing Leech to a long-term professional contract, if possible.

90th minute – The final whistle blows. Brown emerges victorious and begins a new winning streak.

Final Score: Brown 2, Cornell 0

Overall Record: 9-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Tuesday, October 24 vs. Colgate

Brown 3, URI 3

On a wet and wild Wednesday, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team played in-state rivals URI to a 3-3 tie at the URI Soccer Complex. In front of a small but boisterous crowd, Brown came from behind twice and eventually built a 3-2 lead before conceding a late equalizer and settling for a draw. Andrew Daniels ’07, Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Chris Roland ’10 tallied goals for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the tie in goal.

Now, here is your (belated…sorry, I’m really busy!!) post-game report:

Before the game: The boys catch the last twenty minutes of the Brown vs. URI Women’s game and witness a dominant display of offense by Kathryn Moos ’07 and Lindsay Cunningham ’09. Brown eventually wins 4-2, improving to 9-3-3 overall. ‘Sgo Bears!!!

Warm-Up: Before a spectacular sunset that Ian Premo ’07 describes quite artfully as “sick,” the brisk, chilly weather arrives. As temperatures hit a critical point, a dense fog begins to rise up from the turf, prompting Brian Joyce ‘07 to ask where the smoke machine is stationed. Given URI’s techno/house/trans warm-up CD, it seems a less-than-outrageous question.

Kickoff – Brown gives the ball directly to a URI forward. URI begins a long period of territorial domination and forces Jarrett Leech into several difficult saves.

37th minute – So there’s a Canadian, a South African and a Polack playing soccer against a group of Americans. The Canadian gets the ball and says, “I don’t like Americans because they make too many Canadian jokes, but I’m way too polite to score,” so he passes the ball to the South African. The South African says, “I don’t like Americans either because of the CIA’s involvement with Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment, but I’m afraid that if I score too many goals I’m afraid I’ll mysteriously disappear or something,” so he passes the ball to the Polack. The Polack says, “I don’t like nets,” and kicks the ball as hard as he can into the Brown net. 1-0 URI.*

* This joke is in no way meant to demean Polish people or Polish-Americans, or to imply that people of Polish descent are intellectually inferior in any way. Except, of course, former Brown Assistant Coach Scott Wiercinski, who the Brown staff still takes great pleasure in deriding.

51st minute –Running down a thru ball from Brian Joyce ‘07, Andrew Daniels ‘07 releases a long shot that catches everyone in the stadium—including the URI goalkeeper—off guard. The keeper slips and slides as he scrambles to his right, but cannot reach the ball as it bounces tantalizingly off the inside of the post. 1-1 tie.

55thth minute – Ben Brackett ’07 leaps to head clear a ball at the top of the box. He appears to catch an elbow in the (well-conditioned) chops, and the ball falls behind the Brown defense. URI’s right winger scampers in, collects it, and slots it home. 2-1 URI.

61st minute – Brian Joyce ’07 curls in a perfect corner kick to Rhett Bernstein ’09 who leaps high and nods in his team-leading seventh goal of the year. Amazingly, six of his goals have come on headers. In fact, Brown fans are now shocked whenever Bernstein does NOT score on a header. 2-2 tie.

63rd minute – Just two minutes later, a Brown corner kick is knocked down and bobbled around by several players. Brown’s Chris Roland ’10 eventually cuts it to his left foot and hammers a shot from 18 yards out, at the top of the box. The ball takes a deflection off a URI defender and wrong-foots the keeper as it flies into the goal. 3-2 Brown.

78th minute – A URI forward slips through the Brown backline and receives a perfect thru ball. He touches it by advancing Brown keeper Jarrett Leech ’09 and calmly passes it into the goal, as the URI fans celebrate wildly. 3-3 tie.

After the game – The Brown and URI players, many of whom played together this summer, suggest trading jerseys but then realize that they would have to play the remainder of the season without their jerseys. Maybe when you’re pros, boys!

Final Score: Brown 3, URI 3

Overall Record: 8-3-2
Ivy Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 21st vs. Cornell

Brown 2, Harvard 6

Pigs flew, Hell froze over, and the Brown Men’s Soccer team got pummeled by Harvard on Saturday afternoon. It was a bizarre game that saw the Crimson score six unanswered goals, as the Bears controlled possession and had a territorial advantage for much of the game. Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Jamie Granger ’06.5 scored for Brown, who fall to 2-1-1 in the Ivy League and 8-3-1 overall. After some PTSD therapy, the Bears return to action on Wednesday at URI. Kickoff is set for 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Pre-game – During warm-ups, academic liaison Bobby Kenneally’s nine year-old son Matthew sets an NCAA record for total number of balls collected and total distance covered by a nine year-old — 1,784 balls and 23.7 miles, respectively. Assistant coach Anders Kelto notes that Brown needs to work on their shooting accuracy.

15th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 smacks a volley on goal, only to see it punched over the crossbar by the Harvard keeper. Joyce takes the ensuing corner, and a rugby-like scrum sees several Brown players unable to score. Sensing a moment of distress, Super Rhett Bernstein dives into a nearby phone booth and emerges to knock home his team-leading sixth goal of the year. 1-0 Brown.

(Editor’s Note: So as to relive Brown’s complete defensive meltdown as little as possible, as few words as possible will be used to describe it.)

22nd minute – A bad touch, a lost mark, a shot from 18 yards...1-1 tie.

30th minute – A pocket picked, a forging run, a low cross...2-1 Harvard.

48th minute – A poor clearance, a far-post cross, a free header...3-1.

55th minute – A miscommunication, a hesitation, a tap-in...4-1.

63rd minute – A pass, a pass, a pass, a shot sneaks through the keeper...5-1.

77th minute – A 40-yard run, 3 beaten defenders, two wide open players, and a partridge in a pear tree. 6-1.

84th minute – Brown salvages a small amount of pride. Laurent Manuel ’08 beats a defender at the top of the box and slips the ball wide to Jamie Granger ’06.5. Granger crosses the ball low and across the face of the goal, where it ricochets and finds its way into the net. Final score: 6-2.

After the game – Brown fans leave the stadium scratching their heads and wondering what in the name of Cliff Stevenson just happened. The Brown coaching staff retreats to their inner chambers to find answers to this question.

Overall Record: 8-3-1
Ivy League Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Wednesday, October 18th @URI, 7:00 pm

On The Road

For those of you who are wondering what is going on with the post-game emails (as in, why the heck haven't I been receiving any?), you should know that I have been on the road for the admission office for the past two weeks, beating the drum and preaching "the gospel of Brown" to high school kids across the Midwest. This is part of my larger quest to fill Brown with more wholesome, Midwstern kids. I will return to Brown on Thursday, October 12th and will provide my usual summaries from that point forward.

-Anders