Brown 2, Harvard 6

Pigs flew, Hell froze over, and the Brown Men’s Soccer team got pummeled by Harvard on Saturday afternoon. It was a bizarre game that saw the Crimson score six unanswered goals, as the Bears controlled possession and had a territorial advantage for much of the game. Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Jamie Granger ’06.5 scored for Brown, who fall to 2-1-1 in the Ivy League and 8-3-1 overall. After some PTSD therapy, the Bears return to action on Wednesday at URI. Kickoff is set for 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Pre-game – During warm-ups, academic liaison Bobby Kenneally’s nine year-old son Matthew sets an NCAA record for total number of balls collected and total distance covered by a nine year-old — 1,784 balls and 23.7 miles, respectively. Assistant coach Anders Kelto notes that Brown needs to work on their shooting accuracy.

15th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 smacks a volley on goal, only to see it punched over the crossbar by the Harvard keeper. Joyce takes the ensuing corner, and a rugby-like scrum sees several Brown players unable to score. Sensing a moment of distress, Super Rhett Bernstein dives into a nearby phone booth and emerges to knock home his team-leading sixth goal of the year. 1-0 Brown.

(Editor’s Note: So as to relive Brown’s complete defensive meltdown as little as possible, as few words as possible will be used to describe it.)

22nd minute – A bad touch, a lost mark, a shot from 18 yards...1-1 tie.

30th minute – A pocket picked, a forging run, a low cross...2-1 Harvard.

48th minute – A poor clearance, a far-post cross, a free header...3-1.

55th minute – A miscommunication, a hesitation, a tap-in...4-1.

63rd minute – A pass, a pass, a pass, a shot sneaks through the keeper...5-1.

77th minute – A 40-yard run, 3 beaten defenders, two wide open players, and a partridge in a pear tree. 6-1.

84th minute – Brown salvages a small amount of pride. Laurent Manuel ’08 beats a defender at the top of the box and slips the ball wide to Jamie Granger ’06.5. Granger crosses the ball low and across the face of the goal, where it ricochets and finds its way into the net. Final score: 6-2.

After the game – Brown fans leave the stadium scratching their heads and wondering what in the name of Cliff Stevenson just happened. The Brown coaching staff retreats to their inner chambers to find answers to this question.

Overall Record: 8-3-1
Ivy League Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Wednesday, October 18th @URI, 7:00 pm