Brown 1, Dartmouth 1

In a spirited, high-stakes game on Saturday afternoon, the Brown Men’s Soccer team battled hard and finished with a 1-1 tie against perennial Ivy League rival Dartmouth. After falling behind 1-0 on, quite honestly, one the best goals I have ever seen, the Bears fought back to tie the game through Dylan Sheehan ’09. The Bears then dominated the rest of the game and were unlucky not to finish with a victory. Jarrett Leech ‘09 made several big saves and earned the tie in goal. The Bears move to 5-1-1 overall and 0-0-1 in the Ivies, and continue their season on Saturday when they host Columbia at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Friday Practice – Working on a total of three hours of sleep (for the week), Coach Noonan assesses the quality of practice and deems it unacceptable. He proceeds to inform several players of their shortcomings, actually causing a nearby intramural soccer game to stop and observe his diatribe, their jaws dropped. One observer actually scribbles down some words and later looks them up in the dictionary. The bus, scheduled to depart at 5:30 pm, hits the road at 6:49 pm, owing to an extended practice and impromptu film session.

Saturday – The players choke down an 8:30 a.m. breakfast—the earliest any of them have ingested food this semester—and sit through another hour-long film session.

Warm-Ups – Excited to finally be playing soccer rather than watching it, the team strings together what must be the longest passing sequence (37?) in Brown soccer warm-up history.

1st minute – As fans file into the bleachers and fill the sidelines, Dartmouth comes out full of energy. They immediately put Brown under pressure.

7th minute – A Dartmouth player has a wide-open header at the far post but just misses.

18th minute – Another Dartmouth player powers a shot into the box from a hard angle, but Jarrett Leech successfully swats it away.

22nd minute – Yet another Dartmouth player puts a low free kick on goal from 25 yards out, but Leech dives to his right and smothers it.

27th minute – As the action picks up, a group of Dartmouth fans let Andrew Daniels ’07 know what they think of him as a soccer player and as a human being. A brief “acknowledgement” of their comments by Daniels gets their blood boiling even more. Later on, they turn their attention to Jeff Hay ’10 and his mother who, ironically, is sitting among them. At several points, Mrs. Hay wonders if she should tap them on the shoulder and clarify some of their misconceptions about her younger years, but chooses not to.

Half-time – Having successfully weathered the storm, the Bears regroup. They begin the second half looking like a new team.

60th minute – Against the run of play, a Dartmouth player breaks down the wing, beats his defender, and whips in a beautiful cross. The ball behind him, a Dartmouth midfielder attempts an outrageous bicycle kick normally reserved for FIFA ’99 on Play Station 2. Twisting to his left as the ball comes in from his right, he somehow makes perfect contact and buries it into the upper left corner of the goal. It is, quite simply, an outrageous strike.

61st minute – Claiming (perhaps fairly) that the goal was a dangerous play, Coach Noonan charges onto the field and begins screaming at the official. He advances ten, twenty, thirty yards out, and has a face-to-face confrontation with the referee. As the Dartmouth coach shouts for Noonan’s ejection, the referee considers tossing him like a good major league umpire would, but instead brushes Noonan away with a verbal caution and puts the ball in the center circle, to the delight of the eight hundred Dartmouth fans. 1-0 Dartmouth.

64th minute – Brown responds immediately. Brian Joyce ’07 collects the ball at the left corner of the box, puts it onto his right foot, and serves a beautiful ball into the box. Dylan Sheehan ’09 finds himself wide open and perfectly heads the ball into the upper left corner of the net. He looks over his shoulder to make sure the offside flag is not up and celebrates by crouching low and, it appears, holding an invisible bowling ball low to the ground. Later asked about the celebration, Sheehan remarks, “I don’t know what it was. I was just surprised that I scored.” 1-1 tie.

68th minute – On a low cross, two Brown players collide, preventing each other from scoring an easy tap-in.

72nd minute - A goalmouth scramble with a wall of Dartmouth defenders sees three different Brown players unable to tap the ball in from literally a yard out. After holding his breath for a full minute while witnessing this AYSO U-8 scrimmage, assistant Coach Ken Murphy notes that the team should probably play some World Cup at practice this week.

78th minute – A Dartmouth player breaks down the right sideline but pushes the ball too far ahead of him. In one of the more comical plays this reporter has ever witnessed, Rhett Bernstein ’09 comes charging in and attempts to send a message to the Dartmouth player. His hard, studs-up tackle misses the Dartmouth player completely, but makes perfect contact with the referee’s assistant. The unsuspecting official goes down hard, by which I mean HARD, and tosses his flag approximately ten yards downfield. He gets up, adjusts his socks, and takes the ensuing free kick.

85th minute – Bernstein lines up a free kick from 25 yards out and spots a wide open Ian Premo ’07 to his right. Premo collects the pass and rips a shot from fifteen yards that the keeper somehow parries away.

90th minute – As time winds down (and a sixth Dartmouth player cramps up) Brian Joyce performs two successful tackle-dribbles up the left sideline and plays a perfect thru ball to Nick Elenz-Martin ’10. As Elenz-Martin charges toward goal on a breakaway, he is caught by the only player on the field who could catch him in the 3-mile run—Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton takes the ball off of his teammate and sprints toward goal. Brown fans prepare for yet another last-second victory, but Howerton’s shot sails high and wide.

OT – Brown continues to dominate, but misses several more chances.

110th minute – The final whistle blows, the teams shake hands to show their mutual respect, and both sets of fans applaud the tremendous match they have just witnessed.

Final Score: Brown 1, Dartmouth 1
Overall Record: 5-1-1
Ivy Record: 0-0-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 30 vs. Columbia, 7 pm

Brown 2, Hartwick 1

It was Deja BU for the Brown Men’s Soccer team last night as they came from behind to defeat Hartwick on a rain-soaked evening, on a last-minute goal, just like they did against BU. The star of the show this time was Rhett Bernstein ’09, who scored both goals and nearly scored two more. Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the victory in net, notching several key saves. With the win, the Bears move to 5-1 overall. They return to action on Saturday, when they travel to Dartmouth to open the Ivy League season. Kickoff is set for 3 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report.

Warm-Ups: On a surprisingly warm, sticky night, the Bears look sharp and confident as they prepare for the match. Ah, how deceiving warm-ups can be.

1^st minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

5^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

7^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

10^th minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

15^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

17^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

20^th minute – Dribble, dive, dive, dribble, dive, dive, dive, dribble, dribble, dive, dribble dribble, dribble, dive, save Leech.

21^st minute - Assistant Coach and former commodities broker Ken Murphy makes a market of 23-17 in favor of diving in (over dribbling), asking if there are any takers. There are none.

36^th minute –Hartwick crosses the ball and easily knocks it into the Brown goal. 1-0 Hartwick.

40^th minute – His blood pressure, nerves, and heartburn climaxing simultaneously, Coach Noonan slams his open palm into the hard metal bench, fracturing at least one phalange. The shock wave travels through the backs of the assistant coaches, who begin scribbling notes frantically and clapping, and down to the players, who leap to their feet and immediately begin cheering for their teammates.

HALFTIME – Exasperated, Coach Noonan asks Assistant Coach Anders Kelto to tell the team what is wrong. Kelto steps forward and, in one of the more moving, impassioned speeches in sports history, remarks, “I think you guys are dribbling too much. You should pass the ball more.”

58^th minute – A Hartwick defender attempts to stomp a divot back into the ground with both cleats, only the divot is actually Brown midfielder Ian Premo ‘07. Brian Joyce ’07 whips the ensuing free kick into the box, where it is met by the head of Rhett Bernstein ‘09. Leaping away from goal and sixteen yards out, Bernstein somehow powers a header on frame. It hovers to the right and glances off the post, past the scrambling Hartwick keeper and into the net. Then, like an alpha male warning off would-be challengers, Bernstein grunts and runs past the opposing team’s bench, staring them down and marking Stevenson Field territory as his own. 1-1 tie.

65^th minute – Andrew Daniels ‘07 beats his mark and runs toward goal. Badly beaten, the Hartwick defender pulls out a lasso, tosses it around Daniels’ neck, and saddles him up like a donkey. After mounting and riding him for eight seconds, the Hartwick player is eventually penalized, but given no yellow card.

66^th minute – Understandably excited by the thrill of a local rodeo, Bernstein steps up to take the ensuing free kick. With testosterone and self-belief flowing through his veins, he makes an outrageous attempt on goal from over 30 yards out. The knuckling, super-sonic shot slams into the crossbar minutes before the goalkeeper can react and blasts off into the stratosphere, eventually escaping earth’s gravitational pull and setting somewhere near Mir. Assistant Coach Ken Murphy looks down the bench and tells the boys to start collecting money to replace the ball.

72^nd minute – On a fifty-fifty challenge, Bernstein collides with an opposing player and takes a shot in the, er, how shall we say, Bernsteins. As he gingerly limps off the field looking slightly pale, he announces that he’ll be fine, he just needs a couple of minutes. Brown is immediately awarded a corner kick, whereupon Coach Noonan screams, “Rhett! Get back in there!!!” Looking as though he is squeezing an invisible medicine ball between his knees, Bernstein hobbles back onto the pitch and challenges for the header.

78^th minute – Brown is awarded another free kick and Bernstein somehow misses a wide-open header from six yards out, perhaps due to residual lower stomach pain

89^th minute - Darren Howerton ’09 dribbles from left to right across the field. Choosing not to pass to several wide-open players, he instead attempts an ill-advised chip with his right foot. The shot, which is actually the first shot he has ever taken with his right foot, catches the keeper off guard. Scrambling backward, the 'tender futilely pushes the ball off the crossbar, where it falls into the six yard box. Bernstein charges forward and, with his usual manimal strength, slides and knocks the ball into the net. Sending one final message to his territorial aggressors, Bernstein runs past their bench, this time sensing no more threat, and no need to stare.

Final Score: Brown 2, Hartwick 1

Overall Record: 5-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 23 @ Dartmouth, 3 p.m.

1:26 a.m. – Reviewing film of Dartmouth, Coach Noonan sends an email to Assistant Coach Anders Kelto. Surprised to see that Kelto is not also reviewing film of Dartmouth and checking email, Noonan sighs with disappointment, turns off his computer and goes to bed.