Brown 2, Hartwick 1

It was Deja BU for the Brown Men’s Soccer team last night as they came from behind to defeat Hartwick on a rain-soaked evening, on a last-minute goal, just like they did against BU. The star of the show this time was Rhett Bernstein ’09, who scored both goals and nearly scored two more. Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the victory in net, notching several key saves. With the win, the Bears move to 5-1 overall. They return to action on Saturday, when they travel to Dartmouth to open the Ivy League season. Kickoff is set for 3 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report.

Warm-Ups: On a surprisingly warm, sticky night, the Bears look sharp and confident as they prepare for the match. Ah, how deceiving warm-ups can be.

1^st minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

5^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

7^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

10^th minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

15^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

17^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

20^th minute – Dribble, dive, dive, dribble, dive, dive, dive, dribble, dribble, dive, dribble dribble, dribble, dive, save Leech.

21^st minute - Assistant Coach and former commodities broker Ken Murphy makes a market of 23-17 in favor of diving in (over dribbling), asking if there are any takers. There are none.

36^th minute –Hartwick crosses the ball and easily knocks it into the Brown goal. 1-0 Hartwick.

40^th minute – His blood pressure, nerves, and heartburn climaxing simultaneously, Coach Noonan slams his open palm into the hard metal bench, fracturing at least one phalange. The shock wave travels through the backs of the assistant coaches, who begin scribbling notes frantically and clapping, and down to the players, who leap to their feet and immediately begin cheering for their teammates.

HALFTIME – Exasperated, Coach Noonan asks Assistant Coach Anders Kelto to tell the team what is wrong. Kelto steps forward and, in one of the more moving, impassioned speeches in sports history, remarks, “I think you guys are dribbling too much. You should pass the ball more.”

58^th minute – A Hartwick defender attempts to stomp a divot back into the ground with both cleats, only the divot is actually Brown midfielder Ian Premo ‘07. Brian Joyce ’07 whips the ensuing free kick into the box, where it is met by the head of Rhett Bernstein ‘09. Leaping away from goal and sixteen yards out, Bernstein somehow powers a header on frame. It hovers to the right and glances off the post, past the scrambling Hartwick keeper and into the net. Then, like an alpha male warning off would-be challengers, Bernstein grunts and runs past the opposing team’s bench, staring them down and marking Stevenson Field territory as his own. 1-1 tie.

65^th minute – Andrew Daniels ‘07 beats his mark and runs toward goal. Badly beaten, the Hartwick defender pulls out a lasso, tosses it around Daniels’ neck, and saddles him up like a donkey. After mounting and riding him for eight seconds, the Hartwick player is eventually penalized, but given no yellow card.

66^th minute – Understandably excited by the thrill of a local rodeo, Bernstein steps up to take the ensuing free kick. With testosterone and self-belief flowing through his veins, he makes an outrageous attempt on goal from over 30 yards out. The knuckling, super-sonic shot slams into the crossbar minutes before the goalkeeper can react and blasts off into the stratosphere, eventually escaping earth’s gravitational pull and setting somewhere near Mir. Assistant Coach Ken Murphy looks down the bench and tells the boys to start collecting money to replace the ball.

72^nd minute – On a fifty-fifty challenge, Bernstein collides with an opposing player and takes a shot in the, er, how shall we say, Bernsteins. As he gingerly limps off the field looking slightly pale, he announces that he’ll be fine, he just needs a couple of minutes. Brown is immediately awarded a corner kick, whereupon Coach Noonan screams, “Rhett! Get back in there!!!” Looking as though he is squeezing an invisible medicine ball between his knees, Bernstein hobbles back onto the pitch and challenges for the header.

78^th minute – Brown is awarded another free kick and Bernstein somehow misses a wide-open header from six yards out, perhaps due to residual lower stomach pain

89^th minute - Darren Howerton ’09 dribbles from left to right across the field. Choosing not to pass to several wide-open players, he instead attempts an ill-advised chip with his right foot. The shot, which is actually the first shot he has ever taken with his right foot, catches the keeper off guard. Scrambling backward, the 'tender futilely pushes the ball off the crossbar, where it falls into the six yard box. Bernstein charges forward and, with his usual manimal strength, slides and knocks the ball into the net. Sending one final message to his territorial aggressors, Bernstein runs past their bench, this time sensing no more threat, and no need to stare.

Final Score: Brown 2, Hartwick 1

Overall Record: 5-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 23 @ Dartmouth, 3 p.m.

1:26 a.m. – Reviewing film of Dartmouth, Coach Noonan sends an email to Assistant Coach Anders Kelto. Surprised to see that Kelto is not also reviewing film of Dartmouth and checking email, Noonan sighs with disappointment, turns off his computer and goes to bed.