Brown is #4 (...or #2,...or #5...or #28)

Rankings are good for two things: generating excitement among fans and recruits, and helping you blow your season. Fearing the latter, the Brown Men's Soccer coaching staff never addresses its national ranking at practices, games or meetings. The players, of course, check them out because, hey, you've gotta be able to let fans and coeds know exactly how good you are, right? But players are often reminded to focus on their performance and tangible team goals, and to let other people worry about rankings.

Other people like me!

In the only rankings that matter, Brown is now ranked #4 or #5 in the country (the "power rankings" and the RPI). In media and coaching polls, we are #2, #5, #6, and #28. Here is a breakdown of the rankings, how they work, and where Brown stands in each one. Just remember that by reading the information below, you risk convincing yourself that it actually matters.

Soccer Ratings - #4
This is the mathematical rating system used by the NSCAA (also known as "power rankings"). In other words, it's the only ranking system that really "matters" during the regular season. It uses a complex formula known as the Elo system, which is also used to rank world chess players. You can read more about the methodology here. So, yeah, the system is all fine and dandy, but we're still waiting for a mathematical formula that can tell us if Rhett Bernstein '09 can beat Gary Kasparov in a chess game played in a crowded penalty area. We think he can, and this will be Kasparov's reaction.

NSCAA - #6
So, the NSCAA gets a weekly report from SoccerRankings.com, the system described above. But then they do an interesting thing. Believing that "objective statistics" are inferior to their own unassailable opinions, they toss these rankings in the trash and vote however they want. It's sort of like handing a rigorous economic report to a Senate appropriations committee, and then watching them dole out the cash to their buddies. As you might imagine, Brown always seems to slip a couple of notches.

RPI (NCAA) - #5
This is the ranking system that the NCAA selection committee uses to select and seed teams for the NCAA tournament. In that sense, this is the ranking system that REALLY matters. Their methodology is murky, but any outfit that bans student athletes from using the soccer office printer because it constitutes an unfair advantage (Bylaw 17.1.2.4, paragraph 2) must know what they're doing, so we put our blind faith in the NCAA, our paragon of academic fortitude.

National Soccer Ranking - #2
NSR claims to be the preeminent soccer ranking site in the country. Not to knock their brag, but one would think that the preeminent ranking site in America would upgrade its site every six or seven years, and maybe hire someone with HTML skills that surpass mine. Nonetheless, whatever undisclosed formula or divining rod they are using has Brown at #2, so we proudly trumpet their clip-art-button fantastic-ness from the College Hilltops.

Soccer Times - #5
Known for their coverage of Americans abroad and their reluctance to remove outdated articles from their site, Soccer Times is the brainchild of chat room soccer junkies (image: sweaty men with beefed up video game thumbs clicking mice and following twelve matchtracker reports). Their methodology is not disclosed, but it's safe to assume that they poll each other, and run things by forum overlords soccrguy47 and iamzizu2006.

College Soccer News - #6
Yet another website (nope, no magazine) with an official sounding name and just god-awful graphics. Can these people PLEASE hire a 15 year-old geek to clean up their site?? Their rankings seem to be somewhere between dead reckoning and People Magazine's 50 Most Beautiful Soccer Programs.

Soccer America - # ???
You can read the New York Times for free online, but you have to pay to read Soccer America. Am I missing something here? Come on, SA, give people access to your mediocre mag online. Anyone who forks out fifteen bucks is only going to find Paul Gardner's opinion pieces that much more uninspiring.

Top Drawer Soccer - #28
Come on, guys. Twenty-eight? That's just redonkulous. In fact, I'm not even linking to your page. You should stop ranking right now and stick to your hearsay lists of recruit commitments.

So the moral of the story is that, just like "Top 10 Celebrities" lists, rankings are a complete and total crock. But they matter because people read them, and because people talk, which is why we'll be spamming our ranking to recruits and fans far and wide. We're #4!! We're #4!!