Brown 0, Penn 0

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team battled Penn to a 0-0 draw on Saturday night in a game that is now known as Wind Bowl 2006. With gusts reaching up to fifty miles per hour and blowing directly downfield, the Bears and Quakers took turns dominating the game but failing to score. Led by Ben Brackett ’06, Brown’s defense turned in a solid all around performance, and Jarrett Leech 09 made several key saves to preserve the shutout. The Bears move to 3-1-2 in the Ivy League (3^rd place) and 10-3-3 overall. They return to action on Friday, November 3^rd when they host Yale at Stevenson Field in their final regular season contest. The game will be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

Now, here is your post-game report:

3:32 a.m. – As the team enters Phase III of R.E.M atop the ridiculously comfortable mattress pads of the Downtown Marriott, a fire alarm goes off. Instead of a buzzer, this particular alarm is a digital voice that repeats at high volume, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please remain in your rooms while our emergency team investigates. Attention…” Or, to paraphrase, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please stay in your bed while flames slowly consume you.” While most players follow the voice’s instructions and stay in bed (or sleep through the alarm entirely), Thomas Thunnel ’10 decides he can take no chances. He sprints out of his room in a confused stupor, wearing only his boxer shorts and a pair of socks. Unable to find the nearest set of stairs, he follows another hotel guest and her children into the elevator, thereby breaking the cardinal rule of fire emergencies AND creating a slightly awkward elevator moment. Arriving safely in the lobby, he encounters a similarly disrobed Mike Noonan, creating yet another awkward moment. Several minutes later, the disheveled duo hear the digital voice announce that the alarm was indeed a false one, and they return to their rooms, prepared to deny that the above events ever occurred.

Warm-Ups – A monsoon hits Rhodes Field.

National Anthem – Camerawoman extraordinaire Wesley Royce ‘08 ascends into the stratosphere on Penn’s accordion lifter, wherere winds and temperatures reach Everest-like levels. Spending the next two hours in these incredibly inhumane conditions, she bonds with Penn’s manager, a fellow extreme videographer.

20 seconds – Playing against the wind, Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 collects the ball and slips a perfect through pass to Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton sprints in on a breakaway and beats the goalkeeper, only to see his effort cleared off the line by a Penn defender.

3^rd minute –Penn’s student section decides to get predictably uncreative and chants left defender Steve Sawyer’s (a.k.a. the closest player’s) name. More distracting than the heckling, however, is the fact that two participating students are dressed as Ketchup and Mustard. (Halloween, we presume, but one never knows.) Sawyer tries hard to maintain his focus.

4^th – 44^th minutes – Brown spends the rest of the half in its own end, unable to kick the ball beyond midfield. The back four block several attempted shots and keep the score knotted at zero.

45^th minute – The halftime whistle blows, and Brown emits a collective sigh of relief. They have weathered the storm—quite literally.

46^th minute – Brown gets the wind. Surprisingly, a Penn player scampers down the right wing and rips a left footed shot that is headed toward the lower right corner. Jarrett Leech dives and makes a picture perfect save with his left hand, pushing the ball wide of the post. On the ensuing corner, Leech makes another dramatic reaction save.

47^th – 70^th minute – Brown takes over, and Penn is now the team that is unable to get the ball beyond midfield. Jamie Granger 06.5 has a shot saved from point blank range, Darren Howerton ’09 sees a chip nabbed by the keeper, Kevin Davies ’08 nearly draws a penalty kick, and Ben Brackett ’07 heads just over the bar.

71^st minute – A Penn player breaks through the Brown defense and clatters a shot off the left post. Close!!

78^th minute – Cheered on by his coaching staff (“Press! Press!”) Jamie Granger ’06.5 disproves the age old belief that “The ball can move faster than the player.” Like a classic youth soccer rover, Granger chases the ball from the right back to the center back to the left back, where he strips it from the defender and sprints toward the goal on a semi-breakaway. He passes the ball to his right, where it eludes his striker partner and rolls harmlessly out of play, thereby preventing what would have been assistant coach Anders Kelto’s favorite goal in Brown Soccer history.

OT – Steve Sawyer takes off on a never-before-seen Arjen Robben-esque run up the left flank. He beats one defender, then (amazingly) another, then (unbelievably) a third, and finds himself in totally unfamiliar territory. Never having been confronted with this situation before, Sawyer attempts to pass the ball to a teammate but ends up giving it away. Next time go all the way, Stevie! Despite the turnover, the play earns Sawyer assistant coach Anders Kelto’s highly prized “Play of the Day” honors.

110^th minute – The final whistle blows and Ketchup, Mustard, and the rest of the Penn fans wobble toward their cars. Brown parents congregate in the parking lot, where they endure hurricane like winds for a few precious moments with their sons. And, of course, some delicious turkey sandwiches.

Final Score: Brown 0, Penn 0

Overall Record: 10-3-3
Ivy Record: 3-1-2
Next Match: Friday, November 3^rd, 7:30 p.m. vs. Yale. Game to be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

“FOX Soccer Channel, Fair and Balanced.” - Brown Announcer Chris Wall