Brown 3, USD 2.....Brown 2, Cal Irvine 2

Disclaimer: The following summary has been provided by Thomas Thunell '10 and does not necessarily reflect the views or expressions of Anders Kelto Inc. or any of its affiliates or subsidiary companies. It DOES, however, provide a hilarious summary of the weekend and should be read in great detail. Anders is thankful to Thunell for providing this account while he trounces around Northern California passing out flyers and convincinng impressionable high school students that they should apply to Brown.

Here is your post-weekend Brown Soccer report:

This past weekend, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team took a trip to San Diego. For those of you who have seen the movie Anchorman you already know that the beautiful city was “discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.”

After a tiring cross country trip, the Brown soccer team squared away against the host University of San Diego Toreros. Even though the boys were unsure what a torero was, the Bears put in two goals in the first half of play. The first goal, a beautiful set piece from San Diego native Rhett Bernstein to scoring machine Kevin Davies put Brown up 1-0 thirty minutes in. Davies found the net again when another San Diego native, Nick Elenz-Martin, set up his favorite Long Island striker who slotted the ball perfectly in the back of the net. In the second half, Brown scored its third and final goal of the game when Davies set up Dylan Sheehan. This goal proved to be the red clothing for any experienced bull fighter, and the toreros were knocked out for good. USD scored on two “questionable” penalty kicks.

Saturday, the men of Brown were able to spend some time enjoying the finer side of life in San Diego. Although threats of the worst storm in San Diego history loomed, the seventy degree and sunny weather proved to be bearable as the team spent the afternoon at Nick Elenz-Martin’s aunt’s house. Great food, greater company, and Skyler eating his entire birthday cake proved to be enough entertainment for the boys on Saturday. However, the fun would not end there. That night as the team went out to dinner at a fine Italian diner, the always friendly guys were hit on by TWO bachelorette parties at the restaurant. The better looking players received stickers from the lovely ladies. Matt Britner received a sticker for best jaw line, Jarrett Leech for best upper body, and Thomas Thunell for nicest (or was it nicest on the eyes???).

Sunday Brown squared away against the #20 University of Cal Irvine Anteaters. In this much anticipated match-up of top twenty teams, neither team was able to get ahead in the first half of play. In the second half, Brown came out firing scoring two goals (Davies and Davies). However, the UCI Anteaters or the California Refereeing Association would not let Brown go down without a fight. The Anteaters were awarded two penalty kicks, capitalized on both, and tied the game. The game went to overtime where neither team mounted any serious scoring threats and the game ended as a tie.

After the game, the soccer team was treated to another lovely get together by Rhett Bernstein’s family and friends. California burritos and the Chelsea vs. Manchester United game proved to be a deadly combination and everyone enjoyed themselves. After eating, the team packed their bags and headed to the airport for their cross country trek with smiles on their faces after a successful weekend and an awesome trip to San Diego.

Brown 1, St. Francis 0

St. Francis must have been one inspiring dude. The 13th century friar, canonized for choosing a life of poverty and humble service, has had more schools named after him than Maria Montessori. And that’s saying something. There’s St. Francis College in Loretto, Pennsylvania, St. Francis College in Fort Wayne, Indiana, St. Francis University in Joliet, Illinois, and St. Francis College in Brooklyn Heights, New York. Throw in overseas colleges and universities in Brisbane, Sao Paolo, and Lucknow, India, tack on high schools in the U.S. and abroad, and you've got a list of schools called “St. Francis” that’s longer than, well, a Roman Catholic family tree.

The Brown Men’s Soccer team defeated St. Francis College of Brooklyln Heights, New York (we think) by a score of 1-0 this past Tuesday. Dylan Sheehan ’09 scored on a header in the first half, Paul Grandstrand earned the shutout in goal, and the Brown defense of Matt Britner ’07.5, Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Steve Sawyer ’09 kept things tidy in back. But the real story of the game was Brown’s inability to get that crucial second goal, owing in part to bad finishing, a bit of misfortune, and perhaps some intervention by St. Francis himself.

Here is your post-game report:

Kickoff – Roughly two hundred fans show up for the Tuesday night, 7 pm kickoff. While not a record-setting number, it certainly is an impressive showing. Goes to show what a winning streak can do.

1st minute – Brown gets into the flow immediately, deftly moving he ball between backs and midfielders. Nick Elenz-Martin ’10, finding his form, gets on the ball with great regularity and begins to set the rhythm of the game.

22nd minute – During a corner kick, Brown packs the six-yard box to make things difficult on the diminuitive Terrier goalkeeper. Darren Howerton ’09 swings in a beautiful corner kick, and several players gravitate towards the ball. Five players jump simultaneously and the ball hovers above them, weighing its options like a hungry farmer choosing the right bird for dinner. Ultimately, it chooses Dylan Sheehan ’09, who redirects the ball into the goal from six yards out. Just another day at the farm for Sheehan, who notches his fifth goal in five games. 1-0 Brown.

30th minute – Sheehan gets by his man and winds up to shoot. As he swings his right leg back, a St. Francis player clips him, sending Sheehan tumbling to the ground. While not intentional, it is clearly a foul and Brown is awarded a free kick. Matt Britner ’07.5 walks forward and places the ball on the penalty spot. After backing up a few steps, he approaches the ball with his usual relaxed confidence. But on this occasion, his best quality—calmness bordering on insouciance—becomes his worst enemy as the keeper dives right and easily saves the softly hit shot. Britner shrugs it off. Still 1-0 Brown.

Halftime – Seeing no need for tactical adjustments, Coach Noonan tells the boys to keep it up. Get back out there and get the second goal!

63rd minute – Kevin Davies ’09 and Elenz-Martin find themselves on a 2-on-1 break. Davies draws the defender and slips the ball to a wide open Elenz-Martin. The latter sets up for a left-footed shot and, as the keeper slides across to close down the angle, blasts the ball just wide of goal. It glances off the supporting pole and into the fence, which reminds me—Stevenson field now has “World Cup style” nets, the kind with poles that pull the net back. And they’re really sweet.

70th minute – Sheehan plays a well-timed ball laterally to Davies, who waterbugs past the Terrier defense and moves toward goal. On a clear breakaway, and with the entire net to shoot at, he somehow blasts the ball directly into the St. Francis goalie, the way a vice president might blast a quail hunting friend in the face. The startled St. Francis goalkeeper collects the ball. Still 1-0 Brown.

85th minute – St. Francis gets the chance that everyone knew it would. Their talented Swedish forward makes a well timed run, receives a diagonal ball, and slides to hit a first time left footed shot. With Grandstrand looking beaten, Rhett Bernstein materializes from and, at the last possible instant, blocks the shot. Still 1-0 Brown.

90th minute – The final whistle blows and Brown players, coaches and fans emit a collective sigh of relief. It probably never should have been this close, but it’s a result nonetheless. St. Francis, “The Small College of Big Dreams,” leaves Stevenson Field still dreaming of victory. We just hope they returned to the right campus.

Brown 1, St. Francis 0

Brown 1, URI 0

Der·by [Brit. dahr-bee]
4. Any endeavor or venture regarded as a competition, especially one involving rival opponents from nearby areas. Ex: The Brown vs. URI soccer derby is always highly competitive, and used to feature unbelievable hair.




- - - Brown vs. URI in the 1977 NCAA Tournament - - -

As any good Englishman can tell you, derbies are often heated affairs. There's always a little more at stake--local bragging rights, local pride, maybe even some dormant, primeval need for alpha dominance. Whatever fuels the fire, the contests are almost always combustible, and the latest chapter in the Brown vs URI saga was no exception. The two rivals slugged it out for 90 minutes on Stevenson Field, with Brown eventually emerging victorious. Dylan Sheehan '09 scored the game winner (that's four goals in four games) and Jarrett Leech '09 earned the shutout in goal. Brown improves to 4-0 on the season while URI falls to 1-4, with losses to #9 Notre Dame, #2 Indiana, #15 Harvard and #21 Brown. Brown continues its season on Tuesday when they host St. Francis at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m., the last game in a five-game season-opening home stand.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Up - Anticipating yet another afternoon of aerial dominance, Rhett Bernstein warms up with a couple of practice headers. Perhaps a little TOO excited to smash an imaginary ball with his head, he snaps his torso forward and accidentally pulls a muscle in his neck. Afraid that he might not be able to play, Bernstein summons his Wolverine-like healing powers, twisting his adamantium-laced cranium left, then right, then walking back onto the field.

Kickoff - Brown assumes a 3-5-2 formation, a departure from its usual 4-4-2 set-up.

1st minute - URI launches the ball deep into Brown territory and sends an entire fleet of players after it. Clad in URI blue, they colonize the southern end of Stevenson field for the next twenty minutes.

21st minute - A towering URI Englishman identifies himself as a prime heckling target by barking at the referee in completely indecipherable British jargon, then shouting similarly incomprehensible commands to his teammates. After several minutes of debate, two Brown players conclude that Brown freshman David Walls' accent is much better.

28th minute - Darren Howerton '09 performs his first of two-hundred-and-twenty-seven flip-throws, nearly tossing the ball into the net, but the keeper manages to push it over the crossbar.

35th minute - A beautifully taken Howerton free kick drops into the penalty area, somehow eluding numerous Brown and URI players. It skips to Bernstein at the back post, but the defender slightly misjudges the bounce and heads it over the crossbar. Maybe it was that pulled neck muscle.

HALFTIME - Coach Noonan tells the team to go back out and enjoy the day...play soccer, guys! Play for the pure enjoyment of it! You're better than you showed in the first half! However, due to some slightly confusing inflection, no one is quite sure when the speech is over. One guy claps, then two guys clap, then everyone begins clapping before they retake the field.

60th minute - Howerton draws a free kick in the right corner and hits an in-swinging left footer. It lands at the far post where Dylan Sheehan, falling away from goal, heads it toward the near post from just three yards out. The goalkeeper dives to save but can only push it into the net. Sheehan celebrates by sprinting toward one corner flag, changing directions, then sprinting toward the Brown bench and leaping onto Skyler Patrick '10 like a koala bear to a eucalyptus tree. 1-0 Brown.

64th minute - The referee, whose performance was described by sideliners as "embarrassing," "shocking," "a nightmare," and "a horror show," continues to make perplexing calls.

74th minute - Two URI players collide just outside the Brown penalty area, and the one with the ball goes down hard. The referee whistles for a free kick, and the URI player stays down, perhaps trying to draw a yellow card on his teammate. Inexplicably, the Rams are awarded a free kick and the entire Brown defense protests. A URI forward's curling effort sails over the crossbar, proving once again that the ball never lies.

90th minute - As announcer Chris Walls counts down the last few seconds (nine, eight, seven...) URI fires the ball toward the Brown penalty area. Bernstein leaps to head it away and receives a solid push in the back from a URI forward. His hands fly up and make contact with the ball, and the referee blows the whistle, stops the clock (which he apparently is not supposed to do), and awards a free kick 18.1 yards from the Brown goal. The Bears builds a seven-man wall as every single URI player, including the goalkeeper, invade the area. After about ten minutes of scuffling and jockeying for position, including the flooring of Darren Howerton, URI takes what surely must be the last shot of the game. A URI midfielder approaches and blasts a chest-high effort directly into the wall, where David Walls takes it firmly in the sternum. The rebound falls to a second URI player, whose shot goes well wide of goal. Brown celebrates and the fans applaud both teams for their tremendous effort. After some slight coaxing from their head coach, the URI players agree to shake hands.

Final Score: Brown 1, URI 0
Overall Recored: 4-0
Next Game: Tuesday, September 18th vs. St. Francis @ 7 pm

Starters: Leech, Bernstein, Britner, Sawyer, Walls, Roland, Elenz-Martin, Okafor, Howerton, Davies, Sheehan

Subs: Thompson, Lee, Behrendt, McGrath

After the game: Standing behind the Brown bench, Thomas Thunnel's eight-year-old cousin announces her presence at full volume...for the eighth time. Seeing as he has already said hi to her the first seven times, Thunnel pretends not to hear her, to which she turns and stammers, "I'm here, and he doesn't even CARE!"

Brown 2, Maine 1

So, you're dating this girl and everything seems to be going just fine. After the first date, she seems almost perfect, and the second date only reaffirms your excitement. But then, you go out with her a third time and suddenly, incredibly, she seems like a different person - uninspiring, maybe even a bit dull.

Such disenchantment must have been felt by fans who attended the first half of the Brown vs. Maine game on Thursday afternoon. Coming off very impressive performances against Santa Clara and Fordham, Brown came out for date #3 looking lethargic, almost lifeless. Maybe it was the midweek afternoon kickoff, or maybe it was the fact that Maine had only won one game in the last two years and therefore didn't seem to pose a challenge. Whatever the reason, the Brown coaching staff spent 45 minutes watching a group that seemed nothing like the group they had recently developed a crush on.

Fortunately, the team managed to pull it together in the second half. As a result, the coaching staff will probably NOT begin drinking too much, asking the team why they don't love them, and sobbing on the phone to friends. But we can't guarantee that.

Now, here is your post-game report:

1st minute - Brown gives the ball away at midfield.

10th minute - Brown gives the ball away in its own end.

17th minute - Brown gives the ball away on a square pass in its own box.

25th minute - A Maine punt bounces at midfield and is controlled by a Blackbear forward. He turns and releases what appears to be a harmless shot from 25 yards, but it somehow slips beneath the outstretched right arm of Paul Grandstrand '11. A clipboard flies, a bench is rattled, and the Brown coaching staff takes turns vomiting on the scorer's table. 1-0 Maine.

32nd minute - A Maine forward fires a free kick over the wall, and it clatters off the right post.

40th minute - Brown finally creates some scoring chances, but to no avail.

45th minute - Maine fails to clear the ball from its own box. It falls to Dylan Sheehan '09, who releases an arcing right footed shot from just inside the penalty area. The ball floats toward the back post, carving a perfect rainbow in the sky before beautifully bulging the net. Sheehan celebrates as if the strike had not been a mishit. 1-1 tie.

HALFTIME - With the emotional control of a practicing yogi and the color of a seasick sailor, Coach Noonan asks the players to please - PLEASE - not let this be the greatest day in Maine soccer history.

46th minute - Brown responds with much greater energy (including a very vocal bench) but the sloppy play continues.

50th minute - At last, the boys execute some good ball movement and get a handle on the game. The territorial domination begins.

64th minute - Acrobat extraordinaire Darren Howerton '09 performs his always-crowd-pleasing flip throw, this time with a low trajectory. The ball screams into the penalty area at head height, where it crashes into a mosh pit of soldiers. The head of Private Jonathon Okafor '11 rises above the rest and redirects the projectile into the net, and he celebrates with the giddy excitement of a six year-old who has blown his first bubble gum bubble. 2-1 Brown.

65th - 89th minutes - Brown keeps Maine pinned deep in its own end, but fails to score on several great opportunities, including one especially strong Kevin Davies '08 effort.

90th minute - The final whistle blows and the color returns to Coach Noonan's face. It wasn't pretty, but it was a result. As in love, I suppose you've gotta take the bad with the good.

Final Score: Brown 2, Maine 1
Overall Record: 3-0
Next game: Sunday, September 16th vs. URI


Starters - Grandstrand, Britner, Bernstein, Sawyer, Walls, Howerton, Okafor, Lee, Roland, Davies, Sheehan

Subs used - Thompson, McGrath, Behrendt, Eldgredge, Melitsanopolous




Just hours after scoring the game winner, Jon Okafor '11 begins studying Coach Noonan's dissertation/scouting report on URI

Brown 3, Fordham 1 - Brown Soccer Classic Champions!

Winning your own soccer tournament is sort of like winning pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey at your own birthday party. Sure, you deserve the victory, but you feel kind of bad for beating all your guests.

If the Brown Men's Soccer team felt any such guilt, they certainly didn't show it on Sunday afternoon. They beat Fordham 3-1, clinched the Brown Soccer Classic title, and then celebrated wildly. Dylan Sheehan '09, Kevin Davies '08 and Darren Howerton '09 scored for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech '09 earned the victory in goal. As you might expect, the awards also followed: Sheehan was named Offensive MVP, Rhett Bernstein '09 was named Defensive MVP, and Sheehan, Bernstein, Chris Roland '10 and David Walls '11 were named to the All-Tournament team.

And if those awards weren't enough, Sheehan was named Ivy League Player of the Week, Walls was named Ivy League Rookie of the Week, and Bernstein was named to Soccer America's National Team of the Week. All in all, it was a very successful weekend and a promising start to a promising new season.

And yes, I am aware that it is now Thursday, making this old news.

Nonetheless, here is your (belated) post-game report:

Saturday - Heading into the match, Coach Noonan worries that, after such a dramatic Friday night victory, Sunday's game might be a "hangover" match--a hot afternoon, a small crowd, and heavy legs leading to a sluggish performance.

1st minute - The boys show they have taken the soccer equivalent of two aspirin and a glass of water (and maybe some late night pizza), looking fresh from the opening whistle as they apply trademark Brown pressure all over the field.

26th minute - Steve "Chief" Sawyer '09 plays the ball wide to Darren Howerton '09, who plays a first time ball forward to Sheehan. The Fordham defender misjudges the bouncing ball, and Sheehan sneaks behind him toward goal. As the keeper advances, Sheehan releases a low shot that slows as it slips between his feet, then trickles across the goal line as a late defender slides to save it. Sheehan celebrates by running toward a section of the crowd and having a short conversation with a friend. 1-0 Brown.

32nd minute - A bouncing ball outside the box is met by Darren Howerton '09, who spends most of his free time practicing watching internet soccer highlights. Howerton's first-time volley from twenty-two yards out is itself worthy of a highlight video, as it sneaks through a crowd of defenders and finds its way into the lower right corner of the net. Howerton celebrates by running toward the same set of fans and apparently having the same conversation with the same guy. Is this where the boosters hand out cash prizes for goals? 2-0 Brown.

46th minute - Fordham pulls a goal back. A long throw-in is poorly cleared by the Brown backline, and a Ram player gets his head on the ball. Jarrett Leech saves the initial effort, but a second Fordham player hurls his body toward the rebound and heads it in. 2-1 Brown.

69th minute - Jon Okafor '11 makes what is fast becoming a trademark run down the right wing. Getting past two defenders, he lines up a shot but misfires across the face of goal, where Kevin Davies '08 is surprised to find an easy tap-in. 3-1 Brown.

70th - 90th minutes - Brown misses a plethora of chances, several in dramatic fashion. Fortunately, they don't concede any goals, so these missed opportunities never come back to haunt them. Not yet, anyway.

Final Score: Brown 3, Fordham 1
Overall Record: 2-0

Brown 2, Santa Clara 1

The Brown Men's Soccer team kicked off the 2007 season in style with a 2-1 victory over Santa Clara on Friday night at Stevenson Field. Heading into the match, Santa Clara was ranked #5 in the NSCAA Coaches Poll after going 13-5-5 and reaching the NCAA Quarterfinals last season. Though the Broncos were good, nearly everyone in attendance would agree that the result was fair, as Brown played well and earned more quality scoring chances. Strike partners Dylan Sheehan '09 and Kevin Davies '08 scored for the Bears, and freshman Paul Grandstrand '11 earned the victory in goal. The Bears continued the Brown Adidas Classic on Sunday afternoon with a 3-1 victory over Fordham, who was not ranked #5 in the nation.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Februrary, 2007 - Architects and Engineers discover that the Smith Swim Center is structurally deficient, citing rotting wooden beams. Brown closes the building down and begins construction on a temporary swim center in the back parking lot.

September 7th, 2007, 6:00 pm - The pre-game Adidas Classic BBQ, now a featured part of freshman orientation, is held in front of the OMAC due to the temporary pool (which I like to picture as an above ground pool). As per the BBQ tradition, the scent of broiled burgers and french fries mixes with freshman pheromones, creating that unmistakable back-to-school sports atmosphere.

Warm-Up: As the stands begin to fill, the boys warm up to an appalling medley of girly Pop/House/Hip-Hop. Assistant Coach Anders Kelto receives inquisitive looks as the players ask who submitted this wretched compilation. Kelto pleads ignorance as the players do high knees and heel kicks to the sounds of a technofied Cindy Lauper and the Black Eyed Peas doing "Ole Ole Ole." The CD's origins remain unknown.

Introductions: Six members of the Bruno United Boys U13 soccer team are given the honor of serving as ball kids and running onto the field with the Brown players. In Europe, junior players take the field holding hands with the players, but American boys are, for obvious reasons, much less comfortable with this arrangement. The result becomes a hilarious series of "Do I hold or not hold?" decisions, with some boys going "European," some offering just a wrist, and some proving their manhood by breaking free of all physical man-to-man contact. Kids.

1st minute - Amidst perfect conditions, Santa Clara takes the kickoff and hits a long diagonal ball deep into Brown territory, an act that would be repeated many times throughout the game. As Coach Noonan points out, they play Northern Cali soccer, not Southern Cali soccer.

10th minute - Brown remains trapped in its own end, unable to keep possession for any period of time. Perhaps it is first game jitters?

15th minute - Birthday Boy Steve Sawyer '09 defends Santa Clara's speedy right winger superbly, forcing him to the end line with patience and good footwork. As he goes to tackle the ball, however, it takes an unfortunate bounce and squirts toward the Brown goal. The Bronco winger slips by Sawyer and whips in a perfect cross, where a gargantuan center forward heads it in. 1-0 Santa Clara.

27th minute - Brown gets a grip on the game and begins forcing Santa Clara back into its own end. A flip-throw by Darren Howerton '09 is flicked on by Nick Elenz-Martin '10 before Dylan Sheehan misses what appeared to be an easy header at the far post.

32nd minute - Alumnus Ben Brackett '07, no longer on the field, nonetheless makes his mark on the game. He shouts so many instructions and cheers so passionately that he is actually written up by a Brown police and security officer, who insists that he is a student. To prove to the disbelieving officer that he is not, in fact, a Brown student, he flashes his Brown Alumni ID card as his friends snicker in rapt amusement.

38th minute - Some fine combination play between Davies, Sheehan, and freshman Jon Okafor '11 ends with the incredibly speedy freshman breaking free down the right wing. He cuts the ball back to the middle where, after a slight redirection, it falls to Sheehan. The Canadian's point blank effort is saved by the goalie's feet and the ball pops beyond the penalty area to freshman David Walls '11, who sees his looping left footed volley parried away by the repositioned keeper.

42nd minute - A corner kick scramble eventually falls to striker T.J. Thompson '10 at the far post. The ball seems to float above ground, just two yards from the net like a fat, confused hummingbird begging to be kicked into its nest. Forgetting that most basic of soccer techniques - keep your knee over the ball! - Thompson blasts the pudgy budgie over the crossbar as the crowd and the Brown bench groan in disbelief.

HALFTIME - Having shown that they can hold their own against one of the nation's best teams, Brown makes no tactical changes. Be patient, boys, and put away your chances!

49th minute - A Brown attack is repelled and the ball falls to right defender David Walls. The Englishman fakes a cross and pushes the ball toward the end line before serving up a silver platter of toast and baked beans to striker Dylan Sheehan who, though her prefers beef jerky and maple syrup, easily heads home from six yards. The until-now-subdued crowd erupts as the Brown players sprint toward the corner flag in jubilation.

54th minute - Freshman goalkeeper Paul Grandstrand '11, who doubled as a field player on his club team, hits one of his usual knuckling missiles up the center of the field. Sheehan flicks it to a scampering Davies, who times his run perfectly. Although Santa Clara's central defender is well positioned, Davies' remarkable quickness allows him to get a toe to the ball first, falling to his left as the defender delivers a Darius Kasparitis-like hip check. The ball lofts up and over the goalie's shoulder and rolls into the net. Davies jumps up from the ground and, looking every bit like a bowler on crack, lowers his body and enthusiastically hurls a single fist toward the sky.

80th minute - Santa Clara throws everything forward and applies sustained pressure for ten minutes (translated into ten Noonan years). The back line of Walls, Sawyer, Matt Britner '07.5 and Rhett Bernstein '09 hold strong and block several shots, and Grandstrand intelligently punches away several crosses.

90th minute - With 30 seconds to go, Jon Okafor powers by two Santa Clara players and plays the ball beyond midfield to Nick Elenz-Martin. Recognizing a 3-on-1, Elenz-Martin considers his options: 1) Dribble to the corner flag and kill the game, or, 2) Score. The sophomore initially chooses correctly (#1) and heads for the corner flag. But then, allured by the sweet siren call of a game clincher in front of a capacity crowd (#2), he changes course and sails his black-haired ship toward goal. Then, using a thought process that he would later attempt to explain, he blasts the ball over the crossbar as Coach Noonan breaks into a full body spasm. Santa Clara fires the ensuing goal kick deep into Brown territory, where they earn (but eventually miss) one final, heart-stopping scoring chance.

Said Elenz-Martin after the game, "I figured that if I was going to miss, I'd miss over the goal so that time would run out." Next time, we'll make sure one of the ball boys accompanies Nick onto the field.

Final Score: Brown 2, Santa Clara
Next Match: Sunday, September 9th vs. Fordham, 2:30 pm

Brown vs. Santa Clara
Starters - Grandstrand, Walls, Britner, Bernstein, Sawyer, Howerton, Elenz-Martin, Roland, Okafor, Sheehan, Davies

Subs - Eldredge, Thompson, Lee, Manuel

Skits!

At the end of every preseason, the team gets together for a Brown Soccer tradition: skits. The freshmen go first, then the sophomores, juniors, seniors and coaching staff, all taking turns doing impressions of one another. As you might imagine, fifteen straight days together results in an endless amount of material, and some truly classic moments arise. All in all, skits are a great way for the team to get together, eat pizza, and laugh at each other and themselves, but mostly at each other.

While the skits are almost never made public, we have decided to give you, our loyal blog readers, an inside peek. Because I mean really, how can I deny you the chance to watch players do impressions of Noonan, Ryan and Murph??


Here is brave freshman Sean McGrath '11 doing a spot-on impression of Assistant Coach Ken Murphy:




And here is the senior class doing Noonan, Murph, Ryan and Nic Rossi:



Credits:
Matt Britner '07.5 as Mike Noonan (MN)
Laurent Manuel '08 as Ken Murphy (KM)
John Behrendt '08 as Ryan Levesque (RL)
Kevin Davies '08 as Nic Rossi

Preseason, Day 10: THE END (of the beginning)

Day 10 got off to a great start as several Brown Soccer Alumni, in town for a wedding, watched the morning session and had a kick-around with their wedding party. Greg Lalas '94, Mike Barrish '96 and Chris Foxx '96 were all in attendance and, while we won't comment on the quality of play, we will point out that there is often a direct correlation between one's suntan and the amount of time one spends in the sun practicing soccer. Only kidding, boys. You've still got it!


From left to right: Greg Lalas '94, Coach Noonan, Chris Foxx '96, Mike Barrish '96, Swedish International Christian Wilhelmsson

Day 10 concluded with a fast-paced, high-intensity 11 v 11 game, dubbed the Brown vs. White scrimmage. Brown (wearing yellow) defeated White (wearing blue) by a score of 3-2.

Brown: Grandstand, Walls, Bernstein, Britner, McGrath, Manuel, Thunnel, Kelto, D'Avanzo, Melitsanopolous, Levesque

White: Schlenker, Hay, Jabola-Carolus, Behrendt, Patrick, Howerton, Lee, Elenz-Martin, Okafor, Sheehan, Thompson

Scoring: Melitsanopolous (13'), Manuel (PK - 27'), Sheehan (36'), Levesque (52'), Howerton (PK - 59')

At the end of the game, Coach Noonan again thanked the players for an outstanding effort and noted that this was probably the toughest preseason any of his Brown teams have endured. And such a great effort can only mean that the road to a great season has been paved.

So, to wrap up this year's preseason coverage, here is a photo of Nick Elenz-Martin that I think sums it up:

Preseason, Day 8: A Day At The Beach

You've gotta give 'em credit for trying. But, as Jedi Master Yoda once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

The coaching staff TRIED to give the boys a fun morning on Day 8 by taking them to the beach. But, as it turned out, the beach was more like a sandy stretch of marshland on the western side of Narragansett Bay, separated from civilization by two miles of swampland; swampland that the Brown boys would soon find themselves wading through. Among the items spotted floating by Kevin Davies '08 and Laurent Manuel '08 were empty beer cans, stray socks, and in inexplicably large volume of unused toilet paper. Perhaps most amazingly, Assistant Coach Nic Rossi somehow knew this place existed. It really is amazing what kids will discover when they need a place to drink in high school.

All joking aside, the boys did make it to the beach and enjoyed a nice swim. Assistant Coach Ryan Levesque, meanwhile, did NOT enjoy one of the choicer sunburns this fair-skinned narrator has seen in a while. (Will health insurance pay for two bathtubs of aloe?) And the trip did give the boys a chance to recover, in the way a day of Category Two climbs lets Tour de France riders recover.

In the afternoon, it was back to business with an 11 v 11 scrimmage on the very hard, non-swampy practice field.




Some locals watch the Brown team's morning session.

Preseason, Day 9: Injury Update

The Brown team has been incredibly fortunate this preseason, as few players have sustained serious injuries and many have been able to play with minor ones. The latter fact is due, in part, to the handy work of athletic trainer Matt Culp, pictured here wrapping Isaac Jabola-Carolus '11's ankle for the sixty-eighth time this week. Jabola-Carolus's near-perfect attendance in the training room has been surpassed only by the chronically ailing Laurent Manuel '08, diagnosed with sore forearms (too many pull-ups), an eternally bad back, and an unknown upper hamstring injury that apparently requires daily treatment with a deep tissue stimulating "massage gun." Hey, we're not asking questions.

Also among the mildly injured:

Steve Sawyer '08 - Strained quadricep (day-to-day)
Iain Eldgredge '10 - Strained groin (day-to-day)
Chris Roland '10 - Strained hip flexor (missed last five days or preseason, hoping to return soon)
Kevin Davies '08 - Cut toe, sustained during team trip to local swimming swamp (see Preseason, Day 8).

Preseason, Day 7: Round and Round We Go

Sometimes, when you've been doing the same thing for a really long time, you get a little bit loopy. Especially if that thing you've been doing is playing soccer, twice a day, every day, for seven days straight. Or trying to put together enough drills to fill those fourteen practices.

Coaching loopiness was possibly the story behind Day 7, Practice #2, as Coach Ryan Levesque had the players finish off the session by performing a zig zag, spin-around-the-pole relay race in which they ran around a pole five times and had to shoot while dizzy. It was straight out of the company picnic play book, and really called for some beer. Unfortunately, none was available, so next time I'll have to arrange in advance to have my dad deliver a couple kegs of home brew.

While it was a good laugh for players and coaches alike, it was, more than anything, a reminder that the boys have been working extremely hard and that their efforts have not gone unrecognized.


Kevin Davies '08, making another defender look like he's standing still.






Davies, now lacking inner ear equilibrium






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Davies falling down