Brown 1, URI 0

Der·by [Brit. dahr-bee]
4. Any endeavor or venture regarded as a competition, especially one involving rival opponents from nearby areas. Ex: The Brown vs. URI soccer derby is always highly competitive, and used to feature unbelievable hair.




- - - Brown vs. URI in the 1977 NCAA Tournament - - -

As any good Englishman can tell you, derbies are often heated affairs. There's always a little more at stake--local bragging rights, local pride, maybe even some dormant, primeval need for alpha dominance. Whatever fuels the fire, the contests are almost always combustible, and the latest chapter in the Brown vs URI saga was no exception. The two rivals slugged it out for 90 minutes on Stevenson Field, with Brown eventually emerging victorious. Dylan Sheehan '09 scored the game winner (that's four goals in four games) and Jarrett Leech '09 earned the shutout in goal. Brown improves to 4-0 on the season while URI falls to 1-4, with losses to #9 Notre Dame, #2 Indiana, #15 Harvard and #21 Brown. Brown continues its season on Tuesday when they host St. Francis at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m., the last game in a five-game season-opening home stand.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Up - Anticipating yet another afternoon of aerial dominance, Rhett Bernstein warms up with a couple of practice headers. Perhaps a little TOO excited to smash an imaginary ball with his head, he snaps his torso forward and accidentally pulls a muscle in his neck. Afraid that he might not be able to play, Bernstein summons his Wolverine-like healing powers, twisting his adamantium-laced cranium left, then right, then walking back onto the field.

Kickoff - Brown assumes a 3-5-2 formation, a departure from its usual 4-4-2 set-up.

1st minute - URI launches the ball deep into Brown territory and sends an entire fleet of players after it. Clad in URI blue, they colonize the southern end of Stevenson field for the next twenty minutes.

21st minute - A towering URI Englishman identifies himself as a prime heckling target by barking at the referee in completely indecipherable British jargon, then shouting similarly incomprehensible commands to his teammates. After several minutes of debate, two Brown players conclude that Brown freshman David Walls' accent is much better.

28th minute - Darren Howerton '09 performs his first of two-hundred-and-twenty-seven flip-throws, nearly tossing the ball into the net, but the keeper manages to push it over the crossbar.

35th minute - A beautifully taken Howerton free kick drops into the penalty area, somehow eluding numerous Brown and URI players. It skips to Bernstein at the back post, but the defender slightly misjudges the bounce and heads it over the crossbar. Maybe it was that pulled neck muscle.

HALFTIME - Coach Noonan tells the team to go back out and enjoy the day...play soccer, guys! Play for the pure enjoyment of it! You're better than you showed in the first half! However, due to some slightly confusing inflection, no one is quite sure when the speech is over. One guy claps, then two guys clap, then everyone begins clapping before they retake the field.

60th minute - Howerton draws a free kick in the right corner and hits an in-swinging left footer. It lands at the far post where Dylan Sheehan, falling away from goal, heads it toward the near post from just three yards out. The goalkeeper dives to save but can only push it into the net. Sheehan celebrates by sprinting toward one corner flag, changing directions, then sprinting toward the Brown bench and leaping onto Skyler Patrick '10 like a koala bear to a eucalyptus tree. 1-0 Brown.

64th minute - The referee, whose performance was described by sideliners as "embarrassing," "shocking," "a nightmare," and "a horror show," continues to make perplexing calls.

74th minute - Two URI players collide just outside the Brown penalty area, and the one with the ball goes down hard. The referee whistles for a free kick, and the URI player stays down, perhaps trying to draw a yellow card on his teammate. Inexplicably, the Rams are awarded a free kick and the entire Brown defense protests. A URI forward's curling effort sails over the crossbar, proving once again that the ball never lies.

90th minute - As announcer Chris Walls counts down the last few seconds (nine, eight, seven...) URI fires the ball toward the Brown penalty area. Bernstein leaps to head it away and receives a solid push in the back from a URI forward. His hands fly up and make contact with the ball, and the referee blows the whistle, stops the clock (which he apparently is not supposed to do), and awards a free kick 18.1 yards from the Brown goal. The Bears builds a seven-man wall as every single URI player, including the goalkeeper, invade the area. After about ten minutes of scuffling and jockeying for position, including the flooring of Darren Howerton, URI takes what surely must be the last shot of the game. A URI midfielder approaches and blasts a chest-high effort directly into the wall, where David Walls takes it firmly in the sternum. The rebound falls to a second URI player, whose shot goes well wide of goal. Brown celebrates and the fans applaud both teams for their tremendous effort. After some slight coaxing from their head coach, the URI players agree to shake hands.

Final Score: Brown 1, URI 0
Overall Recored: 4-0
Next Game: Tuesday, September 18th vs. St. Francis @ 7 pm

Starters: Leech, Bernstein, Britner, Sawyer, Walls, Roland, Elenz-Martin, Okafor, Howerton, Davies, Sheehan

Subs: Thompson, Lee, Behrendt, McGrath

After the game: Standing behind the Brown bench, Thomas Thunnel's eight-year-old cousin announces her presence at full volume...for the eighth time. Seeing as he has already said hi to her the first seven times, Thunnel pretends not to hear her, to which she turns and stammers, "I'm here, and he doesn't even CARE!"