NCAA Tournament 2nd Round: Brown 0, Duke 2

The Brown Men’s Soccer season came to a dramatic end this past Wednesday evening as the Bears were defeated by the #1 ranked Duke Blue Devils 2-0 in the second round of the NCAA Tournament. Despite looking like the better team for much of the second half, the Bears couldn’t muster a goal against Duke’s stingy defense. Brown finishes the 2006 season with an 11-5-3 record, and seniors Ben Brackett, Andrew Daniels, Brian Joyce, Alexan Simon, Dave Semenza, Jamie Granger and Ian Premo conclude their impressive Brown careers with two Ivy League titles, three NCAA Tournament appearances, and a lifetime of Brown Soccer memories.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Tuesday evening: The team flies to Durham, NC and has dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Brown athletic trainer (and UNC alum) Matt Culp, who frequently professes his love for south-of-the-border cuisine, finds himself overly excited to be back at a Mexican restaurant in North Carolina and puts on an eating display that will be talked about for many years to come. In one sitting, he devours a three-person, three-course meal (called “El Combo”) without taking a breath. Then, after earning a new level of respect from the players, coaches, and restaurant staff, he is affectionately dubbed Culpayashi, a reference to competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi.

Warm-Ups: After three days of training, watching film, and waiting for their shot at the #1 team in the country, Brown takes the field as Duke’s impressive sound system pumps out the hits.

1st minute – As the Cameron Crazies eventually find their way to the soccer stadium, Duke comes out looking poised and confident, and they gain an early territorial advantage. Every Duke throw-in is taken by their right defender, who launches the ball into the Brown penalty area from virtually every part of the field.

20th minute – Steve Sawyer curls a dangerous cross into the Duke penalty area, where Jamie Granger ’06.5 slips by his defender and sprints across the face of the goal, narrowly missing the ball before it is gobbled up by the Blue Devil keeper.

27th minute - Duke lobs a cross into the Brown penalty area, where it lands perfectly on the foot of their playmaking central midfielder, Michael Videira. Videira takes two touches with his right foot and smashes the ball home with his left foot from close range. 1-0 Duke.

34th minute – Nick-Elenz Martin ’10 gets the crowd up and out of their seats with a twenty-yard volley that just barely misses the upper left corner. Close!

40th minute – A poorly hit forward pass somehow finds its way through two Brown players and sends Duke’s All-American forward Mike Grella scampering through on goal. He beats goalkeeper Jarrett Leech with a delicate chip, but the ball rolls wide of the goal.

HALFTIME – Coach Noonan congratulates the team on their near-perfect execution of the game plan—they conceded just two scoring chances in the first half, and created several opportunities for themselves. Keep it up in the second half, boys!

48th minute – After dominating Duke’s 6’5” forward in the air throughout the first half, Super Rhett Bernstein ’08 goes in on a 50-50 ball with a Duke player. The ball takes a favorable Duke bounce, leaving Mike Grella free to run at the Brown goal. He fakes a shot, cuts it to his left foot, and buries the ball into the lower left corner of the net. 2-0 Duke.

49th minute – Brown immediately switches to a more offensive 4-4-2 formation, inserting Laurent Manuel ’08 as an offensive right back.

50th -75th minutes – Brown dominates the Blue Devils, stringing together pass after pass after pass. Andrew Daniels skins a player down the right wing and crosses a dangerous ball across the face of goal, where it is fired just wide, Dylan Sheehan ’09 and Nick Elenz-Martin nearly combine for a goal, Brian Joyce battles and scraps with great success in midfield, and several Brown free kicks result in dangerous balls in the Duke box. But nothing will go in.

76th minute – Like a veteran team, the Blue Devils begin to slow down the pace of the game, taking their time on throw-ins and making numerous substitutions. They also regain possession of the ball for long stretches of time, further frustrating the Brown players and their anxious fans.

88th minute – Brown musters a few final forays forward, but still cannot break down Duke’s defense.

90th minute – The clock counts down to zero, ending the game and closing the books on the 2006 Brown Men’s Soccer season. Summing up the general sentiment of the team, Kevin Davies ’08 remarks, “The most frustrating thing was that they weren’t even that dominant!” In their traditional team huddle, senior Ian Premo tells the younger players to remember this feeling for future motivation, and then reminds the older players that it isn’t really about the wins or losses, it’s about the experience and the relationships that will last a lifetime.

Final Score: Brown 0, Duke 2
Overall Record: 11-5-3

Next Match: September, 2007

NCAA Tournament: Brown 4, Adelphi 1

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team defeated Adelphi 4-1 in the first round of the NCAA Tournament this weekend, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon at Stevenson Field. The hero of the day was Andrew Daniels ’07 who scored a hat trick—all with his head—to become the leading goal scorer in the NCAA Tournament thus far. Nick Elenz-Martin ‘10 also scored for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech played the majority of the game in goal. Brown now travels to play the #1 seeded Duke Blue Devils on Wednesday evening in the second round of the tournament.*

* Brown is 1-0 against Duke in the NCAA tournament since 2000 and are looking to improve on this record.

Now, here is your post-game report:

An hour before kickoff – Several families and a contingent of Brown students fire up their grills in the parking lot and enjoy some rock ‘n roll and a few “college sodas.”

Introductions – There are eleven players lined up from left to right. One is wearing a black uniform and ten are wearing yellow and black uniforms, reminiscent of my first travel soccer team in 1988, the Traverse City Hawks. Among this group, there are three Defenders, five Midfielders, two Forwards, and one Goalkeeper, some of whom appear slightly out of shape. There are nine Undergraduate students and two Graduate students, one Jamaican, one Brazilian, one Englishman, one Irishman, one Cypressian and six Americans. Applying the following rules, see if you can line up these Adelphi players from left to right:

- Every Defender must be next to at least one other Defender

- No Forward may be to the right of any Midfielder, and no Defender may be to the left of any Midfielder

- Every foreign player must have an American immediately to his right and immediately to his left

- Exactly one forward, two midfielders, and two defenders are foreigners

- From left to right, the foreign players appear in the same order in which their countries appear on a world map, from west to east

-The goalkeeper, who appears to be thirty years-old, is wearing a black jersey and is on one end

Kickoff – With NCAA Tournament banners lining the sidelines and fans streaming into the bleachers, the Bears come out flying. They immediately put Adelphi under pressure and maintain possession of the ball deep in the Panthers’ end.

12^th minute – Left midfielder Chris Roland ’10 streaks down the left wing and whips in a beautiful cross that finds striker Andrew Daniels ’07 sprinting through the middle. Without breaking stride, Daniels redirects the ball with his head low to the far post. Again without breaking stride, Daniels curls to his left, toward the student section to celebrate. 1-0 Brown.

13^th minute – Daniels releases a wicked right-footed side volley from eighteen yards that the Adelphi goalkeeper manages to push over the bar.

14^th minute –Brian Joyce ’07 bends a corner kick to the far post, where Ben Brackett ’07 calls off his center back partner, Rhett Bernstein ’09 (keep in mind that convincing Bernstein to NOT head the ball is quite an accomplishment). Brackett heads the ball across the face of goal, where it is knocked down, bounces around like popcorn, and is knocked into the net by Nick Elenz-Martin. 2-0 Brown.

15^th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 curls in another corner kick, this time to the near post. Daniels leaps high and places a tight-angled header across the goalmouth and into the far side netting. Coach Noonan looks down the bench and remarks, “Well, we didn’t count on this happening. What do we do now?” 3-0 Brown.

16^th minute – Brown answers Coach Noonan’s rhetorical question by maintaining possession of the ball for long stretches of time and dominating their opponent.

20^th minute – With a rout seemingly underway, Brown hecklers begin to get even more vocal. As Chris Roland ’10 beats his man with a sharp cut to the inside, fans chant “He’s a freshman! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap).”

Best Signs: “Andrew Daniels is chiseled from marble.” “Ben Brackett is a golden god.” “What’s Adelphi?”

35^th minute – Adelphi battle back and create a handful of scoring opportunities late in the first half.

Halftime – Coach Noonan congratulates the team on “the best start I’ve seen in my twelve years at Brown” but reminds the team they must keep the level high in the second half.

55^th minute – Brown performs some beautiful combination play, releasing Laurent Manuel ’08 down the right wing. On a near-breakaway, Manuel plays the ball across the face of the goal to a wide open Chris Roland ’10. In a play that he might never live down, Roland elects not to drive the ball first-time into the open net, but rather traps it, lets the goalie get back into position, and passes it slowly into his hands.

61^st minute – Ian Premo ’07 collects the ball on the right wing, beats his man to the inside with a step-over move and serves the ball with his left foot. It lands perfectly on the head of Daniels, who powers a header off the crossbar before collecting his own rebound and casually knocking it into the net. Then, he does what any player would do after scoring a hat trick in the NCAA Tournament—a cartwheel. 4-0 Brown.

71^st minute – Adelphi steals back a goal off a corner kick and loose ball scramble.

90^th minute – The final whistle sounds and Brown players salute their fans, who have been treated to quite a crowd-pleaser. After a shower and a press conference, they enjoy some post-game food with their parents, courtesy of the indefatigable Paul Granger, and begin to prepare for Duke.

Final Score: Brown 4, Adelphi 1
Next Match: Wednesday, November 13 @ #1 seeded Duke, 7 p.m.

Brown 0, Yale 1

For sixty minutes, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team looked lethargic, and they fell behind by a goal to Ivy rivals Yale. Then, for thirty minutes, the Bears came to life and dominated their opponents, only to see chance after chance fail to score. The result was a 1-0 loss at home on senior day, a loss that ended the Bears’ regular season with a 10-4-3 record, 3-2-2 in the Ivy League. They now eagerly await the NCAA Tournament selection show, scheduled for 4 p.m. today.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Up –Instead of the usual warm-up CD, the teams stretch to the sounds of a Fox Soccer Channel broadcaster doing the same take approximately sixteen times. “Today we travel to Providence, Rhode Island to check out some Ivy League action….CUT. Run it again, Bill, I screwed that one up.”

Kickoff – The stands fill with Brown students donning their new “Beat Yale” t-shirts, over heavy sweatshirts and winter coats. As the stands fill, the temperature continues to fall, and alumni gather inside the heated Brown Sports Foundation tent, next to the field.

1^st minute – Before a large crowd and a national television audience, both teams come out looking a bit nervous, and they move the ball quickly from side to side. Some aggressive early defending leads to several fouls.

4^th minute – As the game settles down, Brown players grow confused and think that “out of bounds” is actually a player on their team, and they pass him the ball repeatedly.

17^th minute – In one of just two first-half scoring chances, the Bears run a set piece that finds Ben Brackett ’07 at the back post. His first-time right foot volley off a chipped ball flies hard into the outside of the net.

43^rd minute – A Yale player breaks down the left wing and curls the ball into the middle, where it finds a streaking Yale forward. The player’s header flies into the upper left corner of the net, off the fingertips of sprawling Brown goalkeeper Jarrett Leech ’09. The player sprints to his bench and performs one of the most, um, upsetting celebrations in Ivy League soccer history. Picture this: A grown man in a soccer uniform gyrating like a belly dancer with flaccid tentacles, and then falling to the ground. Seriously. 1-0 Yale.

45^th minute – After witnessing forty-five minutes of (mainly) turnovers, missed passes, and fouls, the national television audience heads to the bathroom and shoves a finger down its collective throat.

46^th minute –Brown picks it up in the second half.

57^th minute – On the right wing, Ian Premo ’07 beats a player with a clever step-over and curls in a perfect cross, only to see it punched away by the keeper.

66^th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 serves in a beautiful corner and Rhett Bernstein ’09 who, as he always does, leaps high and wins the header. With the keeper out of position and a wide open goal, Bernstein smashes it just inches over the crossbar.

72^nd minute – Andrew Daniels’07 turns a defender near the end-line and serves in a laser. Dylan Sheehan ’09 heads just wide of the left post.

78^th minute – Daniels beats two players down the right flank and crosses the ball into the middle. This time, it is knocked down among a crowd of players, where Steve Sawyer finds himself seated on a Sit-n’-Spin®. Turning the wheel of his large plastic toy, he rotates his body to the left and hits a seated volley from point blank range, only to see it saved by the keeper.

88^th minute – Daniels beats yet another player and serves yet another ball into the box. This time, Sheehan flicks it behind his left leg toward the lower left corner of the net. Attempting to help the ball into the net, Jamie Granger ’06.5 accidentally pushes it into the goalie, and the ball somehow manages to stay out of the goal.

90^th minute – The final whistle blows, and the Bears applaud the large contingent of fans who braved the cold to support their seniors and their team. Showing an even steelier perseverance, Brown parents attend a post-game reception in the now sub-zero temperatures, held next to the field. Coach Noonan acknowledges and congratulates the seniors on a fine career at Brown, and tells them (and everyone else) that it isn’t over yet. It’s time to get ready for the selection show on Monday.

Final Score: Brown 0, Yale 1

Overall Record: 10-4-3
Ivy Record: 3-2-2
Next Match: ? ? ? (Selection show on Monday, November 6th at 4 p.m.)

Brown 0, Penn 0

The Brown Men’s Soccer Team battled Penn to a 0-0 draw on Saturday night in a game that is now known as Wind Bowl 2006. With gusts reaching up to fifty miles per hour and blowing directly downfield, the Bears and Quakers took turns dominating the game but failing to score. Led by Ben Brackett ’06, Brown’s defense turned in a solid all around performance, and Jarrett Leech 09 made several key saves to preserve the shutout. The Bears move to 3-1-2 in the Ivy League (3^rd place) and 10-3-3 overall. They return to action on Friday, November 3^rd when they host Yale at Stevenson Field in their final regular season contest. The game will be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

Now, here is your post-game report:

3:32 a.m. – As the team enters Phase III of R.E.M atop the ridiculously comfortable mattress pads of the Downtown Marriott, a fire alarm goes off. Instead of a buzzer, this particular alarm is a digital voice that repeats at high volume, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please remain in your rooms while our emergency team investigates. Attention…” Or, to paraphrase, “Attention, a fire alarm has been triggered. Please stay in your bed while flames slowly consume you.” While most players follow the voice’s instructions and stay in bed (or sleep through the alarm entirely), Thomas Thunnel ’10 decides he can take no chances. He sprints out of his room in a confused stupor, wearing only his boxer shorts and a pair of socks. Unable to find the nearest set of stairs, he follows another hotel guest and her children into the elevator, thereby breaking the cardinal rule of fire emergencies AND creating a slightly awkward elevator moment. Arriving safely in the lobby, he encounters a similarly disrobed Mike Noonan, creating yet another awkward moment. Several minutes later, the disheveled duo hear the digital voice announce that the alarm was indeed a false one, and they return to their rooms, prepared to deny that the above events ever occurred.

Warm-Ups – A monsoon hits Rhodes Field.

National Anthem – Camerawoman extraordinaire Wesley Royce ‘08 ascends into the stratosphere on Penn’s accordion lifter, wherere winds and temperatures reach Everest-like levels. Spending the next two hours in these incredibly inhumane conditions, she bonds with Penn’s manager, a fellow extreme videographer.

20 seconds – Playing against the wind, Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 collects the ball and slips a perfect through pass to Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton sprints in on a breakaway and beats the goalkeeper, only to see his effort cleared off the line by a Penn defender.

3^rd minute –Penn’s student section decides to get predictably uncreative and chants left defender Steve Sawyer’s (a.k.a. the closest player’s) name. More distracting than the heckling, however, is the fact that two participating students are dressed as Ketchup and Mustard. (Halloween, we presume, but one never knows.) Sawyer tries hard to maintain his focus.

4^th – 44^th minutes – Brown spends the rest of the half in its own end, unable to kick the ball beyond midfield. The back four block several attempted shots and keep the score knotted at zero.

45^th minute – The halftime whistle blows, and Brown emits a collective sigh of relief. They have weathered the storm—quite literally.

46^th minute – Brown gets the wind. Surprisingly, a Penn player scampers down the right wing and rips a left footed shot that is headed toward the lower right corner. Jarrett Leech dives and makes a picture perfect save with his left hand, pushing the ball wide of the post. On the ensuing corner, Leech makes another dramatic reaction save.

47^th – 70^th minute – Brown takes over, and Penn is now the team that is unable to get the ball beyond midfield. Jamie Granger 06.5 has a shot saved from point blank range, Darren Howerton ’09 sees a chip nabbed by the keeper, Kevin Davies ’08 nearly draws a penalty kick, and Ben Brackett ’07 heads just over the bar.

71^st minute – A Penn player breaks through the Brown defense and clatters a shot off the left post. Close!!

78^th minute – Cheered on by his coaching staff (“Press! Press!”) Jamie Granger ’06.5 disproves the age old belief that “The ball can move faster than the player.” Like a classic youth soccer rover, Granger chases the ball from the right back to the center back to the left back, where he strips it from the defender and sprints toward the goal on a semi-breakaway. He passes the ball to his right, where it eludes his striker partner and rolls harmlessly out of play, thereby preventing what would have been assistant coach Anders Kelto’s favorite goal in Brown Soccer history.

OT – Steve Sawyer takes off on a never-before-seen Arjen Robben-esque run up the left flank. He beats one defender, then (amazingly) another, then (unbelievably) a third, and finds himself in totally unfamiliar territory. Never having been confronted with this situation before, Sawyer attempts to pass the ball to a teammate but ends up giving it away. Next time go all the way, Stevie! Despite the turnover, the play earns Sawyer assistant coach Anders Kelto’s highly prized “Play of the Day” honors.

110^th minute – The final whistle blows and Ketchup, Mustard, and the rest of the Penn fans wobble toward their cars. Brown parents congregate in the parking lot, where they endure hurricane like winds for a few precious moments with their sons. And, of course, some delicious turkey sandwiches.

Final Score: Brown 0, Penn 0

Overall Record: 10-3-3
Ivy Record: 3-1-2
Next Match: Friday, November 3^rd, 7:30 p.m. vs. Yale. Game to be broadcast live on FOX Soccer Channel.

“FOX Soccer Channel, Fair and Balanced.” - Brown Announcer Chris Wall

Brown 3, Colgate 1

The Brown Men’s Soccer team extended its new unbeaten streak to three games with a win over out-of-state, non-rivals Colgate. Jamie Granger ’06.5, Brian Joyce ’07 and Rhett Bernstein ’09 scored for the Bears (or were credited with scoring), while Jarrett Leech ’09 and David Semenza ’07 split time in goal. With the win, the Bears improve to 10-3-2 overall. They return to action on Saturday night at Penn in an all-but-must-win Ivy League match.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Tuesday Training – Rhett Bernstein ends practice by saying, “Come on, guys. Let’s beat toothpaste.”

Warm-Up –The lights mysteriously go dead, prompting assistant coach Ken Murphy to recollect his recruiting trip to Brown in the late 1970s, when the lights similarly went dead…during a UConn player’s breakaway! Authorities are still investigating the causes of both outages.

Warm-Up II – The lighting issue resolved, Brown takes the field before a super-charged, raucous crowd of one recruit and Mike Rubin ‘01. Eventually, about a hundred and fifty fans do find their way to the chilly midweek fixture.

3^rd minute – Andrew Daniels ’07 flicks the ball to Jamie Granger ’06.5 deep in the Colgate box. Sandwiched by two defenders, Granger a) somehow chips the ball up with his left heel and hits a spinning, 360 degree side volley with his right foot, connecting with such force that the ball literally tears a hole in the net, or b) attempts to trap the ball, misplays it off his instep and watches in rapt awe as it trickles by the Colgate keeper, immediately being dubbed the slowest….goal….ever. Choose your own adventure. 1-0 Brown.

15^th minute – Diving after a loose ball, the Colgate keeper goes down hard and separates his shoulder. Colgate’s other keeper, who missed an NCAA record earlier this year by just three minutes by going over 900 consecutive minutes without conceding a goal, enters the game.

24^th minute – As Colgate moves the ball around its own end, Brown steps to pressure. Sensing an errant pass, Brian Joyce ’07 charges forward and goes in hard on a fifty-fifty tackle. Joyce charges toward goal with a path of destruction behind him, like an advancing tornado. As the keeper cuts down the angle, he curls the ball calmly and powerfully to the far post. 2-0 Brown.

33^rd minute – Colgate, which boasted a 7-2-5 record and #24 national ranking, sticks with its long ball strategy. A ball launched over the top lands in a dangerous area, and a Colgate player first-times it into the goalmouth. An advancing forward smacks it off the post before collecting his own rebound and volleying the ball into the open net. 2-1 Brown.

37^th minute – For the second consecutive game, Darren Howerton ’09 puts his space-aged super polymer, ultra-grip gloves to use, launching a perfect flip-throw into the goal mouth. Rhett Bernstein ’09 a) takes the ball off his chest, pops it over three defenders, and hits a torpedo-like diving header into the far upper corner, or b) misses his attempted header, sees the ball glance off his arm, then off a defender, and into the goal. Again, you be the judge. 3-1 Brown.

Second Half – Brown puts together arguably its most dominant performance in the last three games. They do not score, but they control play completely and create several good scoring chances. All in all, they look confident and ready to take on Penn this weekend.

Final Score: Brown 3, Colgate 1

Overall Record: 10-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 28^th @ UPenn, 7 pm

Brown 2, Cornell 0

The Brown Men’s Soccer team got back on the winning track with a 2-0 victory over Cornell on Saturday evening. The Bears received first half goals from Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 and Andrew Daniels ’07, but the real story of the match was goalkeeper Jarrett Leech ’09, who turned in one of the finest goalkeeping displays of the season. With the win, the Bears move to 3-1-1 in the Ivy League, good for third behind Penn and Harvard. The Bears take on Colgate on Tuesday night before heading to Penn on Saturday, in what is virtually a must-win Ivy game.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Warm-Ups – Darren Howerton ’09 shows off his new pair of ultra-sticky, poly-methy-something gloves, explaining how they make his patented “flip throw” much easier to perform in the cold weather. (Perhaps he borrowed some mysterious brown goo from Kenny Rogers as well?)

4th minute – Ian Premo ’07 whips in a ball from the right wing. Nick Elenz-Martin ’10 does well to control it with his first touch, wheels to his right, and hits a slightly off-balance left-footed shot on goal. The ball rolls, um, rather slowly into, quite frankly, the middle of the goal. Alright, maybe it was a little to the right of the middle, but it certainly wasn’t in the corner. Sorry, Nick—not gonna candy coat this one. 1-0 Brown.

18th minute – A Cornell player breaks free of the Brown defense, only to see his breakaway, and then his rebound, and then another shot saved by Leech.

29th minute – Brown is awarded a throw-in deep in Cornell territory. Howerton saunters over to take it, grips the ball with his space-aged cyber gloves, does a hand spring, and launches the orbital deep into space, much to the delight of the crowd (“Oh my…. Whoooooo-hoooooo!!!!!”) The ball is flicked on at the back post where Andrew Daniels ’07 performs an acrobatic side-volley, smashing the ball perfectly into the net. He celebrates with a bizarre, trunk-twisting robot walk, or was it just a bad salsa dance? In any event, the score is 2-0 Brown.

37th minute – Daniels splits two defenders and is fouled in the process. As the referee waves for play to continue, Daniels remains down on the ground for several moments, holding his knee. Oblivious to his injury, his teammates play on, stringing together several nice passes as Daniels tosses and turns in pain. Eventually, Daniels rises to his feet and limps forward as Ian Premo ’07 crosses the ball in from the wing. As if scripted, the ball falls directly into Daniels’ path and the suddenly healed striker hits a first-time shot on goal that the keeper parries away. The crowd erupts in oohs, aahs and laughter.

52nd minute – On the sideline, a ball boy accidentally collides with injured Brown captain Matt Britner, smashing into his recently surgically repaired right knee. Britner lets out a primeval roar that causes every living creature within a three mile radius to pause and stare at him in bewilderment. He limps away gingerly, doing his best to bite his tongue.

57th minute – Leech acrobatically deflects a 20-yard effort over the bar.

68th minute – Leech pulls off another double breakaway save.

77th minute – Leech pulls off yet another spectacular save, and head coach Mike Noonan notes that he should consider signing Leech to a long-term professional contract, if possible.

90th minute – The final whistle blows. Brown emerges victorious and begins a new winning streak.

Final Score: Brown 2, Cornell 0

Overall Record: 9-3-2
Ivy Record: 3-1-1
Next Match: Tuesday, October 24 vs. Colgate

Brown 3, URI 3

On a wet and wild Wednesday, the Brown Men’s Soccer Team played in-state rivals URI to a 3-3 tie at the URI Soccer Complex. In front of a small but boisterous crowd, Brown came from behind twice and eventually built a 3-2 lead before conceding a late equalizer and settling for a draw. Andrew Daniels ’07, Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Chris Roland ’10 tallied goals for the Bears, while Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the tie in goal.

Now, here is your (belated…sorry, I’m really busy!!) post-game report:

Before the game: The boys catch the last twenty minutes of the Brown vs. URI Women’s game and witness a dominant display of offense by Kathryn Moos ’07 and Lindsay Cunningham ’09. Brown eventually wins 4-2, improving to 9-3-3 overall. ‘Sgo Bears!!!

Warm-Up: Before a spectacular sunset that Ian Premo ’07 describes quite artfully as “sick,” the brisk, chilly weather arrives. As temperatures hit a critical point, a dense fog begins to rise up from the turf, prompting Brian Joyce ‘07 to ask where the smoke machine is stationed. Given URI’s techno/house/trans warm-up CD, it seems a less-than-outrageous question.

Kickoff – Brown gives the ball directly to a URI forward. URI begins a long period of territorial domination and forces Jarrett Leech into several difficult saves.

37th minute – So there’s a Canadian, a South African and a Polack playing soccer against a group of Americans. The Canadian gets the ball and says, “I don’t like Americans because they make too many Canadian jokes, but I’m way too polite to score,” so he passes the ball to the South African. The South African says, “I don’t like Americans either because of the CIA’s involvement with Nelson Mandela’s imprisonment, but I’m afraid that if I score too many goals I’m afraid I’ll mysteriously disappear or something,” so he passes the ball to the Polack. The Polack says, “I don’t like nets,” and kicks the ball as hard as he can into the Brown net. 1-0 URI.*

* This joke is in no way meant to demean Polish people or Polish-Americans, or to imply that people of Polish descent are intellectually inferior in any way. Except, of course, former Brown Assistant Coach Scott Wiercinski, who the Brown staff still takes great pleasure in deriding.

51st minute –Running down a thru ball from Brian Joyce ‘07, Andrew Daniels ‘07 releases a long shot that catches everyone in the stadium—including the URI goalkeeper—off guard. The keeper slips and slides as he scrambles to his right, but cannot reach the ball as it bounces tantalizingly off the inside of the post. 1-1 tie.

55thth minute – Ben Brackett ’07 leaps to head clear a ball at the top of the box. He appears to catch an elbow in the (well-conditioned) chops, and the ball falls behind the Brown defense. URI’s right winger scampers in, collects it, and slots it home. 2-1 URI.

61st minute – Brian Joyce ’07 curls in a perfect corner kick to Rhett Bernstein ’09 who leaps high and nods in his team-leading seventh goal of the year. Amazingly, six of his goals have come on headers. In fact, Brown fans are now shocked whenever Bernstein does NOT score on a header. 2-2 tie.

63rd minute – Just two minutes later, a Brown corner kick is knocked down and bobbled around by several players. Brown’s Chris Roland ’10 eventually cuts it to his left foot and hammers a shot from 18 yards out, at the top of the box. The ball takes a deflection off a URI defender and wrong-foots the keeper as it flies into the goal. 3-2 Brown.

78th minute – A URI forward slips through the Brown backline and receives a perfect thru ball. He touches it by advancing Brown keeper Jarrett Leech ’09 and calmly passes it into the goal, as the URI fans celebrate wildly. 3-3 tie.

After the game – The Brown and URI players, many of whom played together this summer, suggest trading jerseys but then realize that they would have to play the remainder of the season without their jerseys. Maybe when you’re pros, boys!

Final Score: Brown 3, URI 3

Overall Record: 8-3-2
Ivy Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Saturday, October 21st vs. Cornell

Brown 2, Harvard 6

Pigs flew, Hell froze over, and the Brown Men’s Soccer team got pummeled by Harvard on Saturday afternoon. It was a bizarre game that saw the Crimson score six unanswered goals, as the Bears controlled possession and had a territorial advantage for much of the game. Rhett Bernstein ’09 and Jamie Granger ’06.5 scored for Brown, who fall to 2-1-1 in the Ivy League and 8-3-1 overall. After some PTSD therapy, the Bears return to action on Wednesday at URI. Kickoff is set for 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Pre-game – During warm-ups, academic liaison Bobby Kenneally’s nine year-old son Matthew sets an NCAA record for total number of balls collected and total distance covered by a nine year-old — 1,784 balls and 23.7 miles, respectively. Assistant coach Anders Kelto notes that Brown needs to work on their shooting accuracy.

15th minute – Brian Joyce ’07 smacks a volley on goal, only to see it punched over the crossbar by the Harvard keeper. Joyce takes the ensuing corner, and a rugby-like scrum sees several Brown players unable to score. Sensing a moment of distress, Super Rhett Bernstein dives into a nearby phone booth and emerges to knock home his team-leading sixth goal of the year. 1-0 Brown.

(Editor’s Note: So as to relive Brown’s complete defensive meltdown as little as possible, as few words as possible will be used to describe it.)

22nd minute – A bad touch, a lost mark, a shot from 18 yards...1-1 tie.

30th minute – A pocket picked, a forging run, a low cross...2-1 Harvard.

48th minute – A poor clearance, a far-post cross, a free header...3-1.

55th minute – A miscommunication, a hesitation, a tap-in...4-1.

63rd minute – A pass, a pass, a pass, a shot sneaks through the keeper...5-1.

77th minute – A 40-yard run, 3 beaten defenders, two wide open players, and a partridge in a pear tree. 6-1.

84th minute – Brown salvages a small amount of pride. Laurent Manuel ’08 beats a defender at the top of the box and slips the ball wide to Jamie Granger ’06.5. Granger crosses the ball low and across the face of the goal, where it ricochets and finds its way into the net. Final score: 6-2.

After the game – Brown fans leave the stadium scratching their heads and wondering what in the name of Cliff Stevenson just happened. The Brown coaching staff retreats to their inner chambers to find answers to this question.

Overall Record: 8-3-1
Ivy League Record: 2-1-1
Next Match: Wednesday, October 18th @URI, 7:00 pm

On The Road

For those of you who are wondering what is going on with the post-game emails (as in, why the heck haven't I been receiving any?), you should know that I have been on the road for the admission office for the past two weeks, beating the drum and preaching "the gospel of Brown" to high school kids across the Midwest. This is part of my larger quest to fill Brown with more wholesome, Midwstern kids. I will return to Brown on Thursday, October 12th and will provide my usual summaries from that point forward.

-Anders

Brown 1, Dartmouth 1

In a spirited, high-stakes game on Saturday afternoon, the Brown Men’s Soccer team battled hard and finished with a 1-1 tie against perennial Ivy League rival Dartmouth. After falling behind 1-0 on, quite honestly, one the best goals I have ever seen, the Bears fought back to tie the game through Dylan Sheehan ’09. The Bears then dominated the rest of the game and were unlucky not to finish with a victory. Jarrett Leech ‘09 made several big saves and earned the tie in goal. The Bears move to 5-1-1 overall and 0-0-1 in the Ivies, and continue their season on Saturday when they host Columbia at Stevenson Field at 7 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report:

Friday Practice – Working on a total of three hours of sleep (for the week), Coach Noonan assesses the quality of practice and deems it unacceptable. He proceeds to inform several players of their shortcomings, actually causing a nearby intramural soccer game to stop and observe his diatribe, their jaws dropped. One observer actually scribbles down some words and later looks them up in the dictionary. The bus, scheduled to depart at 5:30 pm, hits the road at 6:49 pm, owing to an extended practice and impromptu film session.

Saturday – The players choke down an 8:30 a.m. breakfast—the earliest any of them have ingested food this semester—and sit through another hour-long film session.

Warm-Ups – Excited to finally be playing soccer rather than watching it, the team strings together what must be the longest passing sequence (37?) in Brown soccer warm-up history.

1st minute – As fans file into the bleachers and fill the sidelines, Dartmouth comes out full of energy. They immediately put Brown under pressure.

7th minute – A Dartmouth player has a wide-open header at the far post but just misses.

18th minute – Another Dartmouth player powers a shot into the box from a hard angle, but Jarrett Leech successfully swats it away.

22nd minute – Yet another Dartmouth player puts a low free kick on goal from 25 yards out, but Leech dives to his right and smothers it.

27th minute – As the action picks up, a group of Dartmouth fans let Andrew Daniels ’07 know what they think of him as a soccer player and as a human being. A brief “acknowledgement” of their comments by Daniels gets their blood boiling even more. Later on, they turn their attention to Jeff Hay ’10 and his mother who, ironically, is sitting among them. At several points, Mrs. Hay wonders if she should tap them on the shoulder and clarify some of their misconceptions about her younger years, but chooses not to.

Half-time – Having successfully weathered the storm, the Bears regroup. They begin the second half looking like a new team.

60th minute – Against the run of play, a Dartmouth player breaks down the wing, beats his defender, and whips in a beautiful cross. The ball behind him, a Dartmouth midfielder attempts an outrageous bicycle kick normally reserved for FIFA ’99 on Play Station 2. Twisting to his left as the ball comes in from his right, he somehow makes perfect contact and buries it into the upper left corner of the goal. It is, quite simply, an outrageous strike.

61st minute – Claiming (perhaps fairly) that the goal was a dangerous play, Coach Noonan charges onto the field and begins screaming at the official. He advances ten, twenty, thirty yards out, and has a face-to-face confrontation with the referee. As the Dartmouth coach shouts for Noonan’s ejection, the referee considers tossing him like a good major league umpire would, but instead brushes Noonan away with a verbal caution and puts the ball in the center circle, to the delight of the eight hundred Dartmouth fans. 1-0 Dartmouth.

64th minute – Brown responds immediately. Brian Joyce ’07 collects the ball at the left corner of the box, puts it onto his right foot, and serves a beautiful ball into the box. Dylan Sheehan ’09 finds himself wide open and perfectly heads the ball into the upper left corner of the net. He looks over his shoulder to make sure the offside flag is not up and celebrates by crouching low and, it appears, holding an invisible bowling ball low to the ground. Later asked about the celebration, Sheehan remarks, “I don’t know what it was. I was just surprised that I scored.” 1-1 tie.

68th minute – On a low cross, two Brown players collide, preventing each other from scoring an easy tap-in.

72nd minute - A goalmouth scramble with a wall of Dartmouth defenders sees three different Brown players unable to tap the ball in from literally a yard out. After holding his breath for a full minute while witnessing this AYSO U-8 scrimmage, assistant Coach Ken Murphy notes that the team should probably play some World Cup at practice this week.

78th minute – A Dartmouth player breaks down the right sideline but pushes the ball too far ahead of him. In one of the more comical plays this reporter has ever witnessed, Rhett Bernstein ’09 comes charging in and attempts to send a message to the Dartmouth player. His hard, studs-up tackle misses the Dartmouth player completely, but makes perfect contact with the referee’s assistant. The unsuspecting official goes down hard, by which I mean HARD, and tosses his flag approximately ten yards downfield. He gets up, adjusts his socks, and takes the ensuing free kick.

85th minute – Bernstein lines up a free kick from 25 yards out and spots a wide open Ian Premo ’07 to his right. Premo collects the pass and rips a shot from fifteen yards that the keeper somehow parries away.

90th minute – As time winds down (and a sixth Dartmouth player cramps up) Brian Joyce performs two successful tackle-dribbles up the left sideline and plays a perfect thru ball to Nick Elenz-Martin ’10. As Elenz-Martin charges toward goal on a breakaway, he is caught by the only player on the field who could catch him in the 3-mile run—Darren Howerton ’09. Howerton takes the ball off of his teammate and sprints toward goal. Brown fans prepare for yet another last-second victory, but Howerton’s shot sails high and wide.

OT – Brown continues to dominate, but misses several more chances.

110th minute – The final whistle blows, the teams shake hands to show their mutual respect, and both sets of fans applaud the tremendous match they have just witnessed.

Final Score: Brown 1, Dartmouth 1
Overall Record: 5-1-1
Ivy Record: 0-0-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 30 vs. Columbia, 7 pm

Brown 2, Hartwick 1

It was Deja BU for the Brown Men’s Soccer team last night as they came from behind to defeat Hartwick on a rain-soaked evening, on a last-minute goal, just like they did against BU. The star of the show this time was Rhett Bernstein ’09, who scored both goals and nearly scored two more. Jarrett Leech ’09 earned the victory in net, notching several key saves. With the win, the Bears move to 5-1 overall. They return to action on Saturday, when they travel to Dartmouth to open the Ivy League season. Kickoff is set for 3 p.m.

Now, here is your post-game report.

Warm-Ups: On a surprisingly warm, sticky night, the Bears look sharp and confident as they prepare for the match. Ah, how deceiving warm-ups can be.

1^st minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

5^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

7^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

10^th minute – A Brown forward dribbles and loses the ball.

15^th minute – A Brown defender dives in and gets beat.

17^th minute – Jarrett Leech makes a save.

20^th minute – Dribble, dive, dive, dribble, dive, dive, dive, dribble, dribble, dive, dribble dribble, dribble, dive, save Leech.

21^st minute - Assistant Coach and former commodities broker Ken Murphy makes a market of 23-17 in favor of diving in (over dribbling), asking if there are any takers. There are none.

36^th minute –Hartwick crosses the ball and easily knocks it into the Brown goal. 1-0 Hartwick.

40^th minute – His blood pressure, nerves, and heartburn climaxing simultaneously, Coach Noonan slams his open palm into the hard metal bench, fracturing at least one phalange. The shock wave travels through the backs of the assistant coaches, who begin scribbling notes frantically and clapping, and down to the players, who leap to their feet and immediately begin cheering for their teammates.

HALFTIME – Exasperated, Coach Noonan asks Assistant Coach Anders Kelto to tell the team what is wrong. Kelto steps forward and, in one of the more moving, impassioned speeches in sports history, remarks, “I think you guys are dribbling too much. You should pass the ball more.”

58^th minute – A Hartwick defender attempts to stomp a divot back into the ground with both cleats, only the divot is actually Brown midfielder Ian Premo ‘07. Brian Joyce ’07 whips the ensuing free kick into the box, where it is met by the head of Rhett Bernstein ‘09. Leaping away from goal and sixteen yards out, Bernstein somehow powers a header on frame. It hovers to the right and glances off the post, past the scrambling Hartwick keeper and into the net. Then, like an alpha male warning off would-be challengers, Bernstein grunts and runs past the opposing team’s bench, staring them down and marking Stevenson Field territory as his own. 1-1 tie.

65^th minute – Andrew Daniels ‘07 beats his mark and runs toward goal. Badly beaten, the Hartwick defender pulls out a lasso, tosses it around Daniels’ neck, and saddles him up like a donkey. After mounting and riding him for eight seconds, the Hartwick player is eventually penalized, but given no yellow card.

66^th minute – Understandably excited by the thrill of a local rodeo, Bernstein steps up to take the ensuing free kick. With testosterone and self-belief flowing through his veins, he makes an outrageous attempt on goal from over 30 yards out. The knuckling, super-sonic shot slams into the crossbar minutes before the goalkeeper can react and blasts off into the stratosphere, eventually escaping earth’s gravitational pull and setting somewhere near Mir. Assistant Coach Ken Murphy looks down the bench and tells the boys to start collecting money to replace the ball.

72^nd minute – On a fifty-fifty challenge, Bernstein collides with an opposing player and takes a shot in the, er, how shall we say, Bernsteins. As he gingerly limps off the field looking slightly pale, he announces that he’ll be fine, he just needs a couple of minutes. Brown is immediately awarded a corner kick, whereupon Coach Noonan screams, “Rhett! Get back in there!!!” Looking as though he is squeezing an invisible medicine ball between his knees, Bernstein hobbles back onto the pitch and challenges for the header.

78^th minute – Brown is awarded another free kick and Bernstein somehow misses a wide-open header from six yards out, perhaps due to residual lower stomach pain

89^th minute - Darren Howerton ’09 dribbles from left to right across the field. Choosing not to pass to several wide-open players, he instead attempts an ill-advised chip with his right foot. The shot, which is actually the first shot he has ever taken with his right foot, catches the keeper off guard. Scrambling backward, the 'tender futilely pushes the ball off the crossbar, where it falls into the six yard box. Bernstein charges forward and, with his usual manimal strength, slides and knocks the ball into the net. Sending one final message to his territorial aggressors, Bernstein runs past their bench, this time sensing no more threat, and no need to stare.

Final Score: Brown 2, Hartwick 1

Overall Record: 5-1

Next Match: Saturday, September 23 @ Dartmouth, 3 p.m.

1:26 a.m. – Reviewing film of Dartmouth, Coach Noonan sends an email to Assistant Coach Anders Kelto. Surprised to see that Kelto is not also reviewing film of Dartmouth and checking email, Noonan sighs with disappointment, turns off his computer and goes to bed.